A Day I’ll Never Forget

A Day I’ll Never Forget By M. Asinoff & Jack Simony 8/26/11 - His idea-95% me.

It was a typical, Monday, in July, except on this one the home for retarded adults I work in was going- Canoeing. Yes, retarded. So I'm politically incorrect. What can I say? The Devil makes me do it. (If it was good enough for Flip Wilson, RIP it was good enough for me.) Anyway, I was a bit worried because they can't swim. But I'll get back to that.

Meanwhile, we were deciding who'd drive when I got a brain-storm. (I get them sometimes. Unfortunately, they don't always work as well as they sound at first). But I bet my friend, Irene the guys would beat the girls there, anyway. She was reluctant. But I made her an offer she couldn't refuse…

It took two hours to get there & hear they made it in one because she got directions. I knew I made a wrong turn five miles back…But I was too “macho” to stop for directions…So I “followed my ego”…& drove around… It’s a “guy, thing”. Irene did a parody on Abbott & Costello’s Hot Dog & Mustard routine with maps.

Anyway, we were enjoying a b.b.q. Then I heard a big splash & someone scream, "Oh, my God...! Al fell in the water!!!..."
Instantly, my worst fears were reality…! My heart-was-racing…! I told Jeff this was a bad idea.... But he wouldn’t listen.... He said he’s the- boss, I worry too much & chuckled... I looked around. EVERYONE was frozen with fear & shock...
I knew someone had to do something.... FAST...! So I jumped in... I was TERRIFIED he'd drown…! It was ALL I could think of…! I don’t think I ever swam so hard in my life...Luckily, I was captain of my college, swim-team for two years, or I probably would've been more scared out of my mind than I was...

My mom and coach will be so glad to hear they were right: all those laps really did pay-off. I'll have to call the coach... Call!...Yes!...I just remembered my cell phone's-in the car...

They can call 911 while I give him mouth-to-mouth, I thought... Lucky, I know CPR... God, I hope I reach him in time... I never thought I’d hate being so right before... It's so over rated sometimes.

Al’s family will sue...! I read about something like this...! The family sued for Millions & the home went under...!

Many of the residents came here. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to us...! It'd be a real shame...! What- would- they do...!? Where would they go...!? God, I hope they won’t have to worry about that! I’ll reach Al in time!

Then finally...after a few minutes that seemed like eternity, I reached someone!.. I figured it was Al & was so relieved...! I hope it’s him & I’m in time… I took a big, lunge forward, reached out & grabbed a foot…! A foot…!? Huh…That's weird… How’d I get a foot...?

Oh God..! Oh, God…! I hope he didn’t fall & hit his head on a rock…! PLEASE, God..! Let it be Irene’s…! PLEASE. God…! I’ll NEVER, EVER ask you for anything, ever again! I SWEAR! I know I said that before! But I mean it this time!... I swear! I’ll NEVER ask for anything as long as I live! Promise!

Al’s nice. He didn’t do anything wrong! He doesn’t deserve to die!
He’s still young. So what if he’s retarded. (There I go again: being politically incorrect. Mentally- challenged. If only Irene could hear me being politically correct. She’d be happy & say there’s hope for me yet.) Come on, God, you know Al’s happy & doesn‘t deserve to die! Please, God!... Please let it be Irene’s foot!... Please let her have dived in after me & catching her breath while looking to see if Al surfaced...! I hope Al doesn’t panic or cramp...! He treads water…! I think…! I hope! If he drowns I’ll never forgive myself for not trying to persuade Jeff harder...!

That’s it: I’m out of breath!... I must get some air or my lungs will burst & they'll be fishing me out too!...That's all we need...I can see the headline now...camp counselor drowns trying to save retarded, adult!... (They’ll say I was politically incorrect, too. Not what I want to be remembered for or in my eulogy)!
I’m more out of shape than I realized…I gotta quit smoking... I can’t believe I started again...I did it to look cool in front of Irene...I was so proud of myself for quitting “cold-turkey” a year ago...

Mom’s right: some guys will do anything to impress a babe... especially a “hot”, one, like Irene.... Mom was a gal once...before she married dad...That’s how she got him…She knows we jocks don’t think with our heads...

Hey, I’m a jock...That’s cool...We’re “chick magnets”...I don’t have to smoke to look “cool” for Irene...
I can get any, gal I want... I can just hear mom saying I told you so... She loves being right... It's a mom, “thing”.

Plus cigarettes are $11 a pack, for Heaven’s sake!...At least muggers use guns & knives & don’t insult or try to play you with crap like it’s for your own good...I prefer a hug & kiss when getting it...I’m-funny that way...

O.k., that’s it...! I can’t hold my breath anymore... I swear my lungs will explode in a minute….

I better surface... While I get some air I can see if whoever’s foot I grabbed found Al & he’s okay...

So I surfaced.... You won’t believe whose foot it was... When I tell you you’ll swear I played you...

I didn’t!... I swear!...I’d NEVER even think of it! That’s not the kind of thing you kid about….Even I have boundaries… Believe it, or not. When I surfaced & looked-up Al was standing there...! That's right…! Standing…!

I could not believe it…! I still swear it was all a bad dream, a scene from a B horror movie, a commercial or Youtube video!...It’s surreal!...I’m bleary from oxygen deprivation or something, I thought!...It can’t be…! I must be hallucinating!... The lack of oxygen & heat must be making me delirious!...So I rubbed my eyes again... when I opened them he was standing there… laughing, hysterically...!

So was everyone else...! Can u imagine the look on my face when I realized the water was five-feet?... Boy was I embarrassed… & soaked in mud.

Irene thought it was hysterical... So I chased her & tried to rub mud on her. She took photos & threatened-to-blackmail me by posting them on Facebook & joking, the Devil “makes” her do it... She dubbed it -a “Jack Moment” haunting me & back to “bite me in the ass”... I told her the hurricane’s named for her & lol. She was not amused. I “wonder” why?

“Jack Moment's" a line I coined... it's- “cousin” to the “Kodak Moment”... It’s when I make-someone... usually a chic... turn three…or more… shades of magenta.... (Three’s-my -lucky, #)...

I did it to an ex, publicly... I don’t get mad or even. I get ahead. It was payback for being selfish: leaving me before mid-terms & having my book….So I couldn’t study... During Gay Pride Parade I said they're sick….And any guy wanting to see all of me…desperately needs shock therapy!... I don't even want to see it! ...I- shower in the dark… There’s- a lot of me to love…And none of it’s pretty! Trust me.
She lol & said she didn't blame me...if she were me she would too...I'm not very pretty when dressed.

So I asked if she wanted to know a secret…just between us…

Still lol…rather, smugly…& obviously quite, pleased with herself… she asked what?
I publicly, announced there was a time…not long ago… when she thought I was pretty…enough to hug & kiss…amongst several other things... while wearing nothing...but contacts!...

Boy...that was a “Jack Moment”...! I'll never, ever forget it…as long as I live...! I had no clue a person could turn so many shades of magenta. She turned them all...three times! (I told you it’s my lucky, #).

She made me appreciate irony: when she left I’d have “sold my soul to Satan” to retrieve her. Now I can’t quit thanking God she left. She did me a favor! When I think we went “all natural” it scares me! My pop’s right: God looks out for fools & idiots. The thought of a “mini me” running around is a “nightmare on any street!” (What’s life if you can’t lol @ yourself? Humor’s a circuit breaker to save your sanity. Lol & the-world’s-with- you. When you are troubled you learn the small letters ly added to friend make a big-difference.

Anyway, we split into couples & Irene rode with me…She lol over my "rescue" & said we had such fun, why not extend it? After all I’m on a "lucky streak”…& should keep it going at Atlantic City. I agreed. So we went to my house, I showered & changed.
Irene wanted to drive. But proving once again macho’s “incurable”, & some guys never learn, I drove. (I knew the way). At least I have “stones.” Most guys “swap their jeans for a dress long” before they say I do.

Once a couple forms he’s on a “short leash” & single pals = the “anti Christ”. After marriage guys ask how high”… A pal even changed his last name. Husbands go to baby showers, dept. stores & restaurants now have diaper changing tables in the men’s room, for God’s sake!... What the Hell’s the world coming to?...Before you know we’ll pee “sitting”! Guys say they’re happy & “omit that their wives say they are. And they better say so or what’s left of their manhood will “hang”- from their woman’s “rear view mirror & key chains”, taken to work to show all the girls & help prep single ones for marriage.”

“Luckily”, I have my kid, sister, Ann. She a “typical” woman: “little general”: suggests (tells) what & when to do, eat, feel, say, think & wear. Sometimes I salute her when she orders me. She saw me on- line, late & told me go to bed. She thinks she’s my big, sis. It’s a “miracle” I got this far without her. “Lucky” I have her to “think” for me now. It was a “job & ½” backing her down from orders. I faced “The Wrath of Khan”, for calling- her-a “soccer-mom”, asking her if she wants to carve slots in back of my head for an ATM & her hand, make me a “Stepford Man” strings, writing-a hilarious, parody about her-suggestions & saying the Devil makes her do it. Being Flip Wilson was in character as “Geraldine” when he blamed the Devil it works for women too.

I posted the “Suggestions” on my Google Blog under a “pen name”: mrmitch06 She- was-not amused by it & said she’d quit suggesting. She did… for a whole day…believe it or not!

It was like the little boy next door giving his ma “agida”. I told him when I was small my pop & grandma, RIP said they got me on sale in Macy’s & would look for the receipt to return me. He replied, “No mommy!...I’ll be good!...I’ll be good!...I promise!...I’ll be good!...” His ma almost bled from biting her lip so hard. He was good... for a whole day!...It was a miracle!

Ann denied trying to “prep me for marriage” (“fix”). It’s a “sisterhood thing:” they‘re a “global fraternity”. Those with brothers & sons are “morally obligated to do all they can to educate / train” us in the “ways of the force:” when dating their gals “say, jump. And they do… After marriage guys “ask how high”.

I asked if my girlfriends didn’t “fix” me with love & sex how- will- she? I told her women are “aspiring artists, bakers, missionaries sent by God to save us from ourselves, sculptors, tailors,” etc. They “see” men as a “blank -canvas, lump of clay, roll of material, house to remodel & sack of flour crying out” for their “vision” to “transform” us into a “show piece.”

I saw Guys & Dolls. It was made in the 50s. It proves people don’t change & this is not new. In it Brando, RIP asked Sinatra’s fiancé an insightful, penetrating question: “Is he who you love & want to marry or what you can make of him? The last thing a guy wants to be is a piece of dress material tailored into whatever husbands look like that year.”

Ann’s an “Alpha” female. So I decided she wasn’t letting go & I must do something drastic. Since I had nothing to lose I went for “broke”: I knew she’d be pissed & hoped it’d be @ her place. So I said,”Last time I looked incest was still taboo. So you have nothing to offer me as incentive to change.” I bet you’re wondering if she got mad. Does a bear shit in the woods? Boy did she get mad… as expected. Luckily it was @ her place as hoped. So mission accomplished.

Anyway, we got to AC. Irene's some dancer, so we “whirled around” the floor. Before we knew it two-hours "flew”-by & I felt like gambling. We're here already, I told myself. How can you come here & not gamble, I asked Irene? Since we're by the Roulette Table it seemed like as good a place as any to start.

Before I knew it I blew 75 bucks!...I still had a $25 chip left…And was determined to go home either rich or –broke…nothing in between!…”No guts, no glory!”...It’s “another single, guy, thing”… To married, men it’s a “faint memory”…

The casino was crowded. But I didn't care...I wasn't going to let a little thing like that get in between me & the Jackpot. After seeing me lose 75 bucks & now about to risk my last 25…Irene said I'm a typical bachelor: more macho than brains...Then she picked up the chip & walked off...
At that moment the wheel stopped...I won't say where...I'll let you guess.... I will say we hit my “Jack Pot” later… And when all was said and done, it was a day we'll never forget...