Roseanne

9/2/11-TV/R Writing - Professor Andy Meppen - (ALL ME) - ROSEANNE - CONCEPT (Story)

Jackie's pregnant again, but she and Fred have been divorced for months. He loves her and their son Andy and wants to reconcile, but she's does not. Her family likes him & pressures her to reunite and he woos her into it.

ACT I
SCENE 1: Jackie's late for work. Beverly notices Jackie's "glowing", deduces she's pregnant & confronts her in front of Rosanne, Becky & Darlene. Jackie denies it at first. SCENE 2: Becky & Darlene tease her over whose it is. Jackie tells Fred @ lunch. SCENE 3: Mark, Fred & Dan come in. She prepared Fred's favorite lunch. She tries to tell him, but can't. SCENE 4: Rosanne tells Dan & he congratulates them before she can stop him. Fred asks why. Dan walks away sheepishly, embarrassed & apologizing. SCENE 5: Rosanne yells at Dan it was supposed to be a secret. He says she didn't tell him. SCENE 6: Rosanne yells she was getting to it. But was watching to- see Fred's reaction. SCENE 7: Jackie tells Fred. He's happy & assumes they'll remarry, but notices Jackie's reaction. She admits she's unsure. Fred's upset, yells at Jackie & seeks Rosanne's aid. Beverly starts laying a guilt trip on Jackie, criticizing her for screwing up her life again & swears Freud's right: everything is your mom's fault. Then she asks where she went wrong. Rosanne jokes about breaking men in. She says it took years to mold Dan & her daughters explain how well they've become.
ACT II
SCENE 1: Jackie tells everyone to butt out & walks out crying. SCENE 2: Beverly tries to understand Jackie & tells Rosanne to talk to her. SCENE 3: Rosanne, Becky & Bev teach Fred how to romance her. SCENE 4: Fred, Mark & Dan come in for lunch. We learn Fred’s been coming in daily to bring Jackie flowers, candy, perfume, & love poems. SCENE 5: Today's their anniversary & he brought a beautiful card, flowers, candy, perfume & a very, sexy nightgown. She admits she still loves him & wants to reunite.

ACT I - SCENE 6 I- INTERIOR - LUNCH BOX CAFE - AFTERNOON
JACKIE (On Stage) (obviously nervous)
Fred, remember when u dropped Andy off, we had pizza for dinner & sex for desert?
FRED (O.S.) (smirking)
How can I forget? Best desert I ever had! What about it? Wanna- do-it again? We can skip the pizza & go right to desert.

JACKIE (O.S.) (hesitatingly & looking down)
I don't know how to tell you but… I'm pregnant.

FRED (O.S.) (very happy)
Wow...! That's great! How long have you known? The father's always the last to know these things.
JACKIE (O.S.)
Fred, it's not so great. I just found out. I didn't tell anyone. Mom figured it out. She said I "glow". I haven't decided what to do yet.

FRED (On Stage) (obviously upset)
What do you mean!?... You can't be serious?... You aren't considering abortion?... Are you?

JACKIE (O.S.) (defensively)
I told you...I don't know!...I haven't decided...Maybe...Besides, it's my body. I can do anything I want...I don't need anyone’s permission.

FRED (O.S.) (walks across the room and upset)
Rosanne, she's your sister. Talk to her, tell her she's nuts!

ROSANNE (O.S.) (sarcastically)
I swear she’s adopted o r there was a mix up at the hospital: Ma said it’s my fault: I asked her & God for a baby sis.

BEVERLY (O.S.) (Shaking her head in sadness)
What's wrong with u Jackie? I never thought I'd live long enough to see u settle down & have a family. You finally find a nice guy who loves you. And he has a job! That's more that most of your boyfriends. Why u let him go I’ll never know.

JACKIE (O.S.) (glaring angrily)
Butt out, old woman! This is none of your business!

BEVERLY (O.S.) (glaring back)
Like it or not I'm your mom & u are my kid...That makes you my business.

JACKIE (O.S.) (angry and eyes bulging)
Don't remind me! I want- to forget. I'm hoping I was adopted! I wrote to Santa for a new family when I was 5... I'm still waiting.

BEVERLY (O.S.) (sighing)
Freud was right:... Everything's your mom's fault... Where’d I go wrong?

JACKIE (O.S.) (rolling her eyes in annoyance)
Look out...! Here it comes again...

BEVERLY (O.S.) (sobbing lightly)
27 1/2 hours…! 27 1/2 hours, I was in labor with u... Do- you know that Jackie..?...And for what...?

JACKIE (O.S.) (annoyed and angry)
I knew it...! I knew it... I told you, didn't I...?

BEVERLY (O.S.) (sarcastically)
Maybe I should've breast fed u when u-were- a baby Jackie... Is that it...? Where’d I go wrong...?

FRED (O.S.) (to Jackie)
We have a son... Doesn't that mean anything? We can work it out. Think about it. Don't do anything hasty. That's all I ask.
ROSEANNE (O.S.)
You know. He's got a point.

JACKIE (O.S.) (depressed and whining)
I know... It's just marriage isn't all I expected... He’d make a great wife. He cooks. I can hear his ma: he’s a victim: I threw myself @ him! He couldn’t help falling to temptation! I lured him with a home- cooked- meal. Then slipped-on a silk, nightie, dragged him into bed, tore- his-clothes-off & raped him. He was too ashamed & embarrassed to tell. I made him feel so cheap & dirty. Then winked, smiled knowingly & blew him a kiss. The poor boy’s- traumatized & needs therapy.

Roseanne (O.S.)
You’re funny. Think he’d teach Dan to cook? I‘m terrible& hate it.

Jackie (O.S.)
I’m serious, Roseanne! You’ve NO-clue what he’s like to live with. He’s so anal I nicknamed him Mr. Flexible. Feminine too: I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. He’s comical & cinematic without trying. I asked him to bring something home. He said no because he got special skin cream that‘s-too heavy to carry at once. So he takes some daily cause his bag gets too heavy & makes him unbalanced.

Roseanne (O.S.)
You’re kidding? He’s an amateur, body builder.

Jackie (O.S.)
Yea, that’s why he adds grams of protein, except Tues: junk food night: Soy Cheese pizza & organic, pie. Monday’s Melrose -Place. He concentrates. There’s a test. He wants a Masters in Melrose Place, to go with Associates in Dallas & Bachelors in Dynasty. He’s certifiable & so-me. Everyone is. He’s ahead of his time, at least a generation ahead of the curve. When his friend, Al asked if I have single pals, he thought it was for him. It’s a love triangle: we love same guy: him: he loves him & I love him. He “married” himself! Y do u think Al painted help me on MY shoes @ our wedding? He’s a male lesbian. He’s a woman trapped in a man’s body. So he’ likes women. He can’t help it. He’s born than way. U can’t fight genetics. I should’ve known. It all makes sense now. Am I a lesbian too? Is that why I pick Mr. Wrong?
ROSANNE (O.S.) (laughing)
Come on. U made that up. Next you’ll say he needs 2 hours a day to foliate his skin, you need meds & booze to cope, click your heels 3X while chanting I want to go home.

Jackie (O.S.)
I wish. Everything must be just so. He’s Mr. Clean. A blue shirt must be on a blue hanger. His movie collection’s alphabetized. The toilet bowl passed a white, glove test. When we eat out he brings utensils & dishes. In the Navy he told the guys he’s annoyed his shoes were moved. They nailed them to the floor. Imagine his reaction when he realized. I wish I was there.

I LOL when the phone rang off the hook cause Al distributed fliers: Fredwina’s Italian Restaurant: Northern Cuisine a specialty, closed Mondays for Melrose Place. U - were-mad.

U thought he’d send a Valentine’s stripper to work. So u watched the clock all day. @ lunch-u flew to the cafeteria & back to chase her. Did the guys lol when chocolate cherries came? I loved the card: hot babe on the cover with provocative look saying I bet I know what u want when the ice cream & cake are gone. The inside said a nap!

I lol when Al’s friend called to say she’s personnel & firing u for gossiping. U were scared & denied it. She said liar. Your cherry & shopping photos are funny. U taking off work for Tom with the books to deliver 1000 books tomorrow cause u got a message on the machine is unbelievable. Why didn’t u know u never had an American Express card?
Fred (still defensive) (O.S.)
You portray me as a cross between Martha Stewart & the Rain Man. I’m not that bad & no one’s perfect, u-know, Jackie? Just because I wash my $ & letter & # my socks: L & R 1, 2, 3,, etc. to keep the pairs together & wrap hot dogs individually…

Jackie (O.S.)
No! You’re worse: say- thinking dept’s closed. If that’s not enough u-LIVE for gossip: say it’s a hobby. It’s an obsession! Mrs. Goldberg called u a Yunt-terr & slapped u. She said it’s a busy-body. U always- want- whole story, full report, all the details, A-Z. If I leave anything out u say I went from B to E, want to know about c & d & I make u bust: say there’s a fight, not who. U like- all the- gossip. So- u -go -to everyone for theirs & give yours. + u-are always so whiney, & fussy: coffee’ can’t be more than 20 minutes old or milk won’t swirl right. U can tell & always say it’s not easy. You’re not as young as u used to be. That’s for sure. And gullible: Al said he’d mess our-room & u went NUTS. I peed-when-he said he’d put cellophane on the toilet seat, short-sheet the bed, flip spread upside down & color laces l & r over & under, pillow-case inside out, rearrange-dresser draws, unfold/refold clothes differently. U were-livid when he said he’d un-bundle socks-mix colors-turn them inside out & re-bundle. We lol @ u yelling: “U-don’t-do these things! It aint right! I wouldn’t do it to u! U like to make me bust!!” How about when u said I won’t let him in & he said I would if he came to say hi. U added, I’d let him in the kitchen, if he went to the bedroom I’d say let’s go. Come on. Out. There’s the door. U BLEW when he said he’d say it’s a gag, he’s taking photos for guys @ work. How red were u when u yelled at him u wish he wasn’t bigger than u! You’d give him a good kick in the ass!
Fred (O.S.)
It’s NOT funny, Jackie! .

Jackie (O.S.)
Yes it is! I CAN’T decide your funniest- line. Is it don’t- do me NO favors, Mr.! U-know me: I’m a shaky, guy. U said you’re like a woman: get-your period! Maybe it’s when u had a fit in a club. And yelled at Al, What r u talking about!? They got no room! There’s no place for u to stay! They only got 1 bedroom! They’re never home! They work different shifts! I HOWLED. Every time I stopped & saw how red u-were I restarted. He asked y u are so excited. U said, “What the Hell do-u want from her?! What the hell do-u bring her into this?! What the hell does she have to do with this!? I LOL. He just asked if your sister & her boyfriend would adopt him. U nearly had a coronary.

I lol when Al told everyone in the bar u are Pee Wee Herman: busted watching dirty movie & doing what u shouldn’t cause u forgot to lock the door. U bugged when Ken, the bartender mentioned it. U said “It’s NOT true! U gotta believe me! Never happened! Al made it up!”… When Ken asked u wouldn’t lie? U got red & said NO! I wouldn’t! I SWEAR. He looked u in the eye with that dead pan, poker face & said 11th commandment says thou shalt not lie to the bartender. U stammered I wouldn’t! I swear! He said that’s a cardinal rule. U said u-know! Yes! He said ok, I’ll believe u this time. U stuttered thank u! Bless u! & said Al lied. U didn’t come out cause-u were busy @ work. He asked Ken if it was him would he admit it or create story & deny it. It was hysterical! The next week he said u forgot to pull down the shade & were on the ground floor.

Fred (O.S.)
You wouldn’t laugh if you were me. So I never use the same umbrella twice. Big deal.

Jackie (Criticizing) (O.S.)
I’m not gullible. U- move- in -it. How about when Al said he sent pizzas to a friend because he was mad the guy married his ex’s sister? U believed he was arrested for breaking the groom’s nose. U-were up till 10, WAY past your bedtime, to call the guy for the whole story.

Then Al convinced u, he’d crash the wedding dressed as a bum? U got there early for a good seat &- were-riveted on the door every time it opened. It was a dilemma: u wanted to see a show, yet didn’t want to see wedding ruined.

I love it when u comb & slick your hair & he blows on it. U -dig-your nails into the bar & must fix it.

Thanksgiving was a riot: Al called & u said it’s just us, u made chicken & salad. He said great I’ll be over in an hour. U freaked: what do-u mean?! U only made enough for us & he said don’t worry. We’ll make it enough.

U even dreamed he came over during dinner & u said we’re eating. He said yea, I brought desert. U awoke screaming no!

Once u were lol in your sleep, awoke & said u dreamt he couldn’t climb in ground floor window & left mad.

I’ll NEVER stop laughing over Princess-phone: one summer- night I called. U said it’s-hot. & want to lie down with the a/c. I said get a phone in there. U said u can’t: only 1 jack & it’s for that. I said it’s broken. U said it’s for show. I said u can still get another. U said no, only–1 jack & u need it for that one. It was Abbott & Costello: “Who’s on First.” I didn’t marry u for your phone. U got it the divorce settlement. I see why your dad calls u cement head & refuge & your brother asked if u were reading the paper or just looking @ pictures. We lol when u stared blankly, said u are reading & wondered what’s funny.

Funny part is u can’t make this stuff up if u wanted to. Truth isn’t just stranger than fiction, it’s funnier than Seinfeld. No one has that much imagination, except God. U can bet He’s up there laughing His ass off.

Roseanne (O.S.)
You know what your problem is Jackie? U never had a relationship this long. U- need- to learn how to break men in. They're like new shoes: ... They don’t just come the way you want them, you know.. ? First we let them chase us. Then we “catch” them: we’re “fishermen: cast our line.” Once he’s hooked we “reel” him “slowly” till he’s “dangling, helplessly.” We’re also “hunters”: we get their man hood - in our “sight.” Then they’re ours. We’re artists, bakers, contractors, missionaries & sculptors: see men as blank canvas, bag of flour, run down house, on a mission: save them from themselves, lump of clay & material awaiting our vision to transform them into masterpieces.
JACKIE (O.S.) (eyes bulging)
What the HELL are you talking about, Rosanne?!... Have you completely lost your mind!?... You've been eating your own cooking again, haven't you? Remember how sick you got last time?...

ROSANNE (O.S.) (smirking)
U don’t get -It: I spent years making Dan the way I like him... a Stepford man. I’m like Yoda said in Star Wars: educate-him in the ways of the force...” Remember we’re Alpha females…on steroids! Hear us roar! ? When I leave him & Fido alone I say no girls or parties while I’m out.

I love Brando in Guys & Dolls: he asked Sinatra’s fiancé "Is he’s who u love & want to marry or what can u make of him... Men are material we tailor...." Right, Dan?

DAN (O.S.) (nodding and smiling)
That's right, dear.

ROSANNE (O.S.) (grinning)
What did I teach you to say, Dan?

DAN (O.S.)
Yes, dear...No dear... Whatever you say... You're the boss...

ROSANNE (O.S.) (chuckling)
See I told you Jackie...It took years to train him. I started on the first date. We met in a bank: He was depositing & I was withdrawing. And that's the way it's been ever since. The trick’s deluding them into thinking they have a say & head the house. Then swap their pants for a dress. Occasionally they act out. U let them talk, say-suggest when ordering. Then make him an offer he can’t refuse…. They fall in line fast if they want sex. They’ll do anything for it, even sit up & beg. + he -appeases me cause when I’m mad he faces the Wrath of Kahn. Like when I wanted to move & he didn’t. We moved. U see, as women we belong to the international fraternity of sister hood. Those of us with brothers, husbands & sons are obliged to prep them for marriage. Watch this: who's the boss in our house, Dan?

DAN (O.S.) (proudly)
I am, dear!

ROSANNE (O.S.) (smiling)
Who gave you permission to say so?

DAN (O.S.) (sheepishly nodding)
You did, dear.

ROSANNE (O.S.) (smiling)
I taught Becky & Darlene the same thing... They've got Mark & David trained real good... Right girls?

BECKY (O.S.) (nodding and smiling)
Oh yeah, absolutely. I taught Mark the 3 Step Program: yes dear, no dear & I’m sorry, dear. He’s the head & I’m the neck. The head goes where the neck tells it.

DARLENE (O.S.) (nodding & grinning widely)
When David & I first started dating I'd say jump. And he jumped... Now he asks how high...? Marriage vows are LAST rights for men. We’re like Borg on Star Trek: assimilate. Resistance is futile. They ALWAYS have the last 2 words…yes, dear.

JACKIE (O.S.) (starring in disbelief)
You're ALL NUTS...! Do you know that!? You – sound like they’re aliens we conquer & want me to try that!?

ROSANNE (O.S.) (grinning ear to ear)
Yoda said it, “U don’t try. You-do, or u don’t...” + u- don't know what u are- missing... Occasionally he forgets who’s the boss & gets the crazy idea to “grow a pair”. So I revoke privileges. That “fixes” him, quick. We've been happily married for 26 years...Right Dan?

DAN (O.S.) (nodding)
Yes dear... Whatever you say... You're the boss... My sole purpose in life is to please you... You're every wish is my command...

JACKIE (O.S.) (whining)
This is serious Roseanne. What am I gonna do?

ROSANNE (O.S.) (Seriously & sarcastically)
I can't tell u what to do. It's your life...He loves you & Andy. That's more than many can say. U could do worse. The Goldberg's like him. They said he's a min-sche. I think it's Jewish. I don't know what it means. But they're nice. I bet their daughter's training D.J. already. He went to a sad-duree last week. Whatever-that is. He said it was nice & brought home crackers & a beanie. He called them Matzoth & Yumm-ull-kerr. Heck maybe he'll marry her. We could learn from them: their “men” are trained: they have 2 bosses: their wife & God…in that order. And never leave the toilet seat up. They pee sitting. A down toilet seat’s the secret to happy marriage. Besides they have to be: Jewish men are fixed way before marriage: they circumcise them as babies cause-they’re too small to object. I bet they’ll invent a way for men get a period & give birth. That’d be neat! Men should have slots in the back of their heads for a hand & ATM, strings & a remote.

BEVERLY (O.S.) (calmly suggesting)
Jackie. It would be nice for the baby to have a brother or sister to play with.

JACKIE (O.S.) (leering angrily)
No it wouldn't... It might look like u..!. Wouldn't that be a nightmare on any street?

BEVERLY (O.S.) (smiling)
Ha, ha..!. Very- funny....Make all the jokes u want, it's not going to change a thing...
ROSANNE (O.S.) (chuckling)
Hey you know she may be on to something there mom...We've been pretty lucky so far... Jackie & me- look like dad, my kids look like Dan & Andy like Fred. We wouldn't want to press our luck.

BEVERLY (O.S.) (smiling to Rosanne & Jackie)
Mock me all u want. One day u two will be just like me. What will u say then...?

JACKIE (O.S.) (eyes bulging & yelling)

Oh God, I hope that never happens! If I do I hope someone will put out of my misery.

ROSANNE (O.S.) (smiling)
Boy wouldn't that be a kick in the head?... I wonder if God has a sense of humor...?

Jackie (O.S.) (sarcastically)
He must! He made us, didn’t He? If that’s not proof enough, nothing is.