I was driving with my 3 young kids one warm summer eve when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up & waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
"My son Zach, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom & came out with my toothbrush. He held it up & said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mom. It read, "The opinions expressed by this child aren't necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels & running for cover.
He watched in amazement & asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a 6 year old girl. Looking up & down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered & continued writing the report. "My ma said if I ever need help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes." I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, & I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, he looked at me & the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable -barrage of questions, she merely turned & whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her folks dress for a party. When she saw dad donning his tux, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "Why -not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
"DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son & playmates found a dead robin. Feeling a proper burial should be done, they got a small box & cotton, then dug a hole & prepared for disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers & with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his dad always said: "Glory be unto theFaaaather, & unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL: A little girl just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her ma. "I can't read or write & they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object & looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf pressed between the pages."Ma, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got?" With astonishment in his voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Wooden Bowl
I guarantee you'll recall the tale of the Wooden Bowl the rest of your life.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
'So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that u shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!
I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about. I just did. NOTICE AT THE END of this email, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable -- angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do.
Send this is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness.
The Candle of Love, Hope & Friendship () --- --- ---This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!
May God richly bless you! Please keep this candle alive.
Don't-walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
'So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that u shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!
I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about. I just did. NOTICE AT THE END of this email, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable -- angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do.
Send this is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness.
The Candle of Love, Hope & Friendship () --- --- ---This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!
May God richly bless you! Please keep this candle alive.
Don't-walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Work Rules
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Lida A. KroonCorporate Banking SectorBN-OWS-8Ph. (212) 635-1302Fax (212) 635-1481 Lkroon@bankofny.com
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Lida A. KroonCorporate Banking SectorBN-OWS-8Ph. (212) 635-1302Fax (212) 635-1481 Lkroon@bankofny.com
WORRY
WORRY
"It's the absence of faith in God." (Pastor Dave Watson, 8/02)
"If you worry and nothing happens you worried for nothing.
If it does you worried twice." (Unknown)
What's the use of worrying? You're either going to live or die, if you live there is no use in worrying.
If you die, you'll either go to Heaven or Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends and relatives you won't have time to worry!!!
"It's the absence of faith in God." (Pastor Dave Watson, 8/02)
"If you worry and nothing happens you worried for nothing.
If it does you worried twice." (Unknown)
What's the use of worrying? You're either going to live or die, if you live there is no use in worrying.
If you die, you'll either go to Heaven or Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends and relatives you won't have time to worry!!!
GREETINGS:
GREETINGS:
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started.
It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you. Here are the things that I have finished today:
Two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreo's, a bottle of wine, and a small box of chocolates.
I think this really works because I feel better already!!
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started.
It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you. Here are the things that I have finished today:
Two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreo's, a bottle of wine, and a small box of chocolates.
I think this really works because I feel better already!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up, who- they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure).
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, u should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do -Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. - Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9 (bless u child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up, who- they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure).
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, u should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do -Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. - Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9 (bless u child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
How to Give a Cat a Pill
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, & throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, & close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be firm about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to e.r., sit quietly while dr. stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, & throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, & close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be firm about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to e.r., sit quietly while dr. stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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