Work Rules

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: MANAGEMENT

Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill

SICK DAYS: If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Lida A. KroonCorporate Banking SectorBN-OWS-8Ph. (212) 635-1302Fax (212) 635-1481 Lkroon@bankofny.com