don Imus

There's NO defending his words! They should be put in context: he's a schock jock. He's paid a small fortune to say out rageous things.
Why isn't there outcry from the black communitty over comments such as Jesse Jackson saying he was a waiter in his spit in whitepeople's food?
I taught GED in many black schools and heard the race card played by kids to try and get over because I'm white: in Sheepshead Bay High School I was covering a class for a colleague. So I put the assignment on the board and instructed the class to copy. As I peered around the rtoom I noticed a young man wasn't working. So I approached him and asked why.
He said was picking on him because he's black. To his surprise I called him on it by asking what black has to do with it. He was silent.
I worked in another school when another young man camein late and took out a newspaper. When I told him he had to be kidding me and to put it away and copy the assignment he said I was picking on him because he's black
So I called him on it too. He was speechless too.
The kids all used the"N" word.

Banking

Subject: Banking, my style

This-letter to the bank is an actual letter that was sent to a bank, by a 96- year- old women.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY Times.

Dear Sir, I’m writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my

plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his

presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of

course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,

has been in place for only eight years.

You’re to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and for debiting my

account a $30 penalty for your inconvenience. My thankfulness springs from the manner in

which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From

now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will

arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any

other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to

complete.

I’m sorry it runs eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank

knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history

must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial

situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I’ll issue your employee a PIN # which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I

regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modeled it on the # of button

presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer to my living room in case I’m there.

4. To transfer to my bedroom in case I’m sleeping.

5. To transfer to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu & to listen to options 1 - 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of

the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover

the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New-Year.

Your Humble Client.

All about teaching

All About Teaching – Collected and Edited by Mitch Asinoff

Teachers Matter

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point one.....

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman Trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They’re the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel, appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes or scholars whose stories have inspired you. Easier?

The lesson: Those who make a difference in your life aren’t the ones with the most credentials, money, or awards.

They are the ones that care.

Teachers’ Poem

Last night as I lay sleeping,

I died or so it seemed.

Then I went to heaven, But only in my dream.

Up there St. Peter met me,

Standing at the pearly gates,

He said, "I must check your record.

Please stand right here and wait.

"He turned to me and said,

"Your record Is- covered with many terrible flaws.

On earth I see you rallied

For-every losing cause.

I see you drank alcohol,

And smoked and used drugs too.
Fact is you've done everything

A good person should never do.

We can't have people like you up here

Your-life was full of sin.

"Then he read the last of my record

Took -my hand and said, "Come in.

"He -lead- me up to the big boss and said,

"Take her in and treat her well.

She worked for the NYC Dept. of Ed.

She's done her time in Hell.

Teachers V. Educators

A news report said a private school in Victoria, Australia recently had a unique problem.
Girls put lipstick on in the bathroom and pressed their lips to the mirror leaving prints.
Every night, the custodian removed them and the next day, the girls put them back.

Finally the principal decided something had to be done:

she, all the girls and custodian met in the bathroom.
She explained the lip prints were hard to clean every night.

To demonstrate she asked him to clean them.
He took out a squeegee,

dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.

Teaching in the 21st Century

"Let me see if I have this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids

and fill every waking moment with a love for learning.

I'm also to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,

modify disruptive behavior,

observe- them for signs of abuse

and T-shirt messages.I must fight the war on drugs

and sexually-transmitted-diseases,

check backpacks for guns and raise self-esteem.

I'm to teach patriotism,

good citizenship,

sportsmanship,

fair play,

how and where to register to vote,

balance a checkbook and apply for a job.

"I’m to check their heads occasionally for lice,

maintain a safe environment,

recognize signs of potential anti-social behavior,

offer advice,

write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships,

encourage respect for other cultures and,

oh yeah, always make sure I give the girls in my class ½ my attention.

"My contract says I must work on my own time,

summer and evenings at my expense toward advance certification and a master's degree;

and after school,

I’m to attend committee and faculty meetings

and participate in staff development training to keep my job.

"I’m to be a paragon of virtue larger than life,

so that my very presence will awe students into being obedient and respect authority.

"I’m to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics,

and to my current administration. I must incorporate technology in learning,

and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student.

"I’m to decide who might be potentially dangerous and or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused,

and I can be jailed for not mentioning these suspicions.

"I have to make sure all students pass state and federally mandated tests and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned.

Plus, I am expected to ensure all students with handicaps

are guaranteed a free and equal education,

regardless of their mental or physical abilities.

"I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter,

phone, newsletter, and grade card.

I'm to do all of this with just a piece-of chalk,

a computer, some books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile,

all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

Is that all?"

"And you want me to do all of this and expect me not to pray?

"Printed in THE MARIETTA DAILY JOURNAL,

March 26, 2000 - Written by the Rev. Nelson Price

SICK OF THOSE HIGHLY PAID TEACHERS

I, for one, am sick and tired of those highly paid teachers.

Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes and only working nine months a year!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.
That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked,

not any of that silly planning time.
That would be 15 dollars a day.
Each parent should pay $15 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now, how many do they teach in a day....maybe-25.
Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day.
But remember they only work 180 days a year!
I'm not going to pay for vacations.
Let's see...*that's 375 x180 = $67,500.00
(Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair.

Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour.
That’d be $6 x 5 hours x 25 children times 180 days = $135,000.00 per year.
Wait a minute, there's something wrong here!!!
There sure is, duuh????!!
To me the sole hope of human salvation lies in teaching." ~ George Bernard Shaw ~
Make a teacher-smile. Send this to him or her!

fired secretary

Why I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago was my 48th birthday and I wasn't feeling too goodthat morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, boss, "Happy- Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said: "U know, it's such a beautiful day, and your birthday, let's go to lunch, just us.

"I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I heard all day. 'Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "U know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not.

"She said, "Let's go to my apt." After arriving, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in a few minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...on the couch.......... naked.

• State and Local Government:
• How Much Do I Know?
  Test Yourself.
• For each right answer you get 5 points.
• 
  New York State
  
• Executive Branch
  Current Governor: ________________________________________
  Last Governor: ______________________________________
  State Comptroller: ______________________________________
  Lieutenant Governor: ____________________________________
  Attorney General: __________________________________
  
• Legislative Branch
  
• 1. State Senate Majority Leader: __________________________________
  2. Assembly Speaker: ________________________________________
  3. Your State Senator _______________________________________
  4. Your Assemblyman: ________________________________________
  
• Judicial Branch
• 
  Chief Justice of the Court of Appeals: _________________________________
  
• New York City
• 
  1. Current Mayor: ___________________________________________
  
• 2. Last Mayor: ___________________________________________
  
• 3. City Comptroller: ____________________________________
  
• 4. City Public Advocate: ____________________________________
  
• 5. City Council (# of members): ____________________________________
  
• 6. Majority leader: ____________________________________________
• 
  
• 7. Your Councilman or woman: ____________________________________
  
• 8. Manhattan Borough President: ___________________________________
  
• 9. Brooklyn Borough President: ___________________________________
  
• 10. Brooklyn District Attorney: ___________________________________
  
• 11. Police Commissioner:___________ _____________________________
  
• 12. CUNY’s Chancellor: __________________________________________
  
  
• Scoring guide

80 – 100 = excellent,

65 – 80 = good,

50 – 65 = adequate,

40 – 50 = weak,

30 – 40 = inadequate,

0 – 30=

you’ll be deported.

tips

EVERY DAY HELPFUL HINTS

Budweiser beer conditions hair.

Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish.

Cool whip conditions hair in 15 min.

Mayonnaise KILLS LICE & conditions hair.

Elmer's Glue-paint on your face, let it to dry, peel off & see the dead skin & blackheads if any. For Shiny Hair-use brewed Lipton Tea.

Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water.

Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste.

Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

Bee stings - meat tenderizer.

Chigger bite - Preparation H.

Puffy eyes - Preparation H.

Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals).

Stinky feet - Jello!!

Athletes feet – cornstarch.

Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub.

Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's!

Wipe off with a coffee filter paper.

Sticking bike chain-Pam cooking spray. It'll also get paint, and grease from your hands!

Keep a can in your garage.

Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls.

When- doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on.

Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!

Tie Dye T-shirt-mix Kool Aid in a container, tie rubber band around part of the shirt and soak.

Preserving newspaper clipping?

Mix a big bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup milk of magnesia.

Then soak for 20 min. and let dry. It'll last years!

A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!

To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste.

Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.

To remove wax - take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, the towel will absorb it.

To remove labels off glassware, etc. rub with peanut butter!

Baked on food -fill container with water, and get a Bounce paper softener. The static from the Bounce will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight.

You can also use 2 Efferdent tablets and soak overnight!

Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!

Dirty grout – Listerine.

Stains on clothes – Colgate.

Grass stains - Karo Syrup.

Grease Stains- Coca Cola.

It removes grease stains from the driveway overnight and takes corrosion from batteries!

Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand 24 hours.

Maybe this’ll work if you get them back again.

To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer add some Clorox, or 2 aspirin, or use 7-up instead of water.

Wonder which is the freshest when you buy bread?

It's delivered fresh Monday-Saturday?

Each day has a different color twist tie:

M – Blue, T – Green, Th – Red, F – White, S - Yellow.

If today was Thursday, you want red - not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)!

The colors go alphabetically: Blue - Green - Red - White, Yellow, Monday through Saturday. It's easy to remember. I thought this was interesting.

So I looked in the store and saw it, even the one with the plastic clips have different colors.

You learn something new everyday!!!

Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color the day you shop.

men and women speak

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..................49.

Adventurous.............Slept with everyone.

Athletic................No breasts.

Average looking.........Moooo.

Beautiful...............Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure......On medication.

Feminist................Fat.

Free Spirit.............Junkie.

Friendship first........Former Slut.

New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned...........No B.J.'s

Open-minded.............Desperate.

Out going...............Loud and embarrassing.

Professional............Bitch.

Voluptuous..............Very fat.

Large frame.............Hugely fat.

Wants soul mate.........Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes.....................No

No......................Yes

Maybe...................No

We need.................I want

I'm sorry...............You'll be sorry

We need to talk........ You're in trouble

Sure, go ahead..........You better not

Do what you want........You'll pay for this later

I am not upset..........Of course, I'm upset, you moron!

You're so attentive.....Is sex all you ever think of?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry........................................I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy.............................................I'm sleepy.

I'm tired.....................................................I'm tired.

Nice dress..........................................Nice cleavage!

I love you............................................Let's do it now!

I am bored...............................Do you want to do it?

May I have this dance?.................. I want to do you.

Can I call you sometime?.................I want to do you.

Do you want to go to a movie?.........I want to do you.

I would like you out to dinner?.........I want to do you.

Those shoes don’t go with that outfit...............I'm gay.