Divorce II

Effects of Divorce on Children

Unfortunately, divorce has become all too common today! People do not realize the severe long-term ramifications it has on children. It can, and does affect them in many, many different ways because people are so complex.

When some parents divorce they often tell their children they do not love each other anymore. "Children should never be told that their parents are divorcing because they do not love each other anymore. The children will take the next logical step and assume that it's just a matter of time before they will no longer be loved either." (Brown)

I think most problems begin during the courtship period. There is no doubt that people close their eyes to many unpleasant things because they do not like what they see and are hoping it will go away. I’ve seen this so many times. "A couple goes out and puts their best foot forward. Then they wind up falling in love with a fantasy. When reality sets in they wonder what happened to the person they fell in love with." (Paul) That is why "when a couple goes out on a first date they should wear jeans and a t-shirt and be themselves." (Brown)

If people did this maybe they "would marry someone they think they cannot live without V. someone they think they can live with!" (Dobson) Another problem is that too many people do not care that want, need and have are three very different things! They feel that they are adults who can do what they want. Many are in denial because they fear the truth. I do too! But I embrace it in an attempt to control damage and keep any loss to a minimum. I prefer to lose one sleeve, and keep the rest of the-shirt. To me life is a skyscraper: the foundation must be truth and reality! I know that I cannot wave a magic wand, or simply wish the truth away. Sooner or later it comes to light. It is not a matter of if, just when! Unfortunately, people are willing victims because they do not want to hear that. We don't call it the cold hard facts for nothing.

I joke that once a woman turns 40 she has a better chance of being kidnapped by terrorists than getting married! This is especially true of Jewish women because "at 20 Jewish women want a doctor or a lawyer! But by 35, they'll marry a chair!" (Mason) Many a truth said in jest!

Another problem is that too many people "jump-into-bed". Since they do not know each other very well this "causes them to pass things they shouldn't, at light speed." (Brown)

I feel that I should interview an adult to illustrate the long-term effects of divorce on children. Unfortunately, it is not a stage. Nor is it something they grow out of. All too often the ramifications are permanent! To articulate I interviewed a lady. She and her siblings are products of a very badly broken home. She had some very interesting things to say:

My parents are divorced. And it affected me and my younger brother and sister badly. We were all left with long-term, emotional scars.

My dad left my mom for Debbie, a younger woman, whom he eventually married. Their bitter divorce caused me to enter into "safe" relationships. So I wouldn't get hurt. I even deluded myself into having an affair with a married man to play it safe.

Then I met Mike last April, in college. He sat in front of me in math. We hit it off very quickly and began dating. We really got along well and enjoyed being together.

I didn't realize that no matter how good he was to me I always had a ca-sa-ra-sa-ra attitude, until he told me. I said it was unintentional & forgot about it.

One day he got annoyed at me because I did not change and asked me where he stood. I told him I guess I've got some thinking to do. He later said that he instantly knew that he was history at that moment.

I broke up with him that weekend. He tried to persuade me. I knew he was right, but was afraid of getting hurt.

My sister Sally is afraid too. She never made friendships after our parents' divorce. It isn't like she's not a likable person. Classmates tell her to call or suggest getting together, but she never does. Sometimes she'll talk along with our brother, Steve & one of his buddies, but that's his friend, not hers.

She tried to compensate for mom's absence by being daddy's little girl. It got to the point where that became everything to her. She'd kill herself to get an "A" just to please dad. When he remarried and moved to Jersey she was so depressed she just sat home watching T.V. all day, even though she has a Master's in Social Work from N.Y.U.

Mom wasn't around because dad took sole custody of all the kids one day when she was at work. She came home to an empty house. We had no contact with mom for years. Sometimes me and dad talk about it. We feel Sally needs a mom and misses having one.

My brother Jack won’t bother with mom because the night of his Barmitzfah she had an argument with dad and filed a false police report saying he abused her and had him arrested. Since I was the only other adult I spent the night bailing him out while Susan went to the ceremony. (Ruth)

Unfortunately, people do not develop much insight into psychology when a relationship ends. I realize that it only explains things and does not change them. But once you understand you have knowledge, the power to change yourself and to find one of the toughest things in life: "...the serenity to accept the things you cannot change." (St. Francis)

Love is a magnet: some people gravitate to it and some are repelled by it. Why? Fear. It’s a funny thing:

"Fear can be a fierce enemy always ruling or a formidable enemy about to retreat." (Dobson) Many people are repelled because they fear one or more of these: abandonment, betrayal, commitment, failure, rejection, success, unknown and intimacy. When two people like each other they should pursue it. We do not have a crystal ball and cannot see the future, or offer a guarantee. But many people are never even lucky enough to find someone they like. Those who do should quit without giving it a chance. If they do one day they will go down the road of missed opportunity, look back and say I could've, would've and should have, but didn't. We all go down that road. It's "the valley of the shadow of death. And the peace that comes from knowing you did all you could is the rod and staff that comfort you." (Psalms 23:4)

Unfortunately, the problem is international:
A recent study of "108 Swedish children between 10 & 12-years-old comprised a divorce, & a non-divorce, group of 27 boys & girls each. Rorschach tests were administered individually & human movement responses were analyzed. Non-divorced children were more cooperative & less hostile that divorced children.

Responses containing figures contained in hostile interaction were most common among divorce girls, whereas the divorce boys had trouble perceiving any interaction whatsoever. The different effect of parental divorce on the ability of girls and boys to develop satisfactory social relationships is discussed. [i]

In Scandinavia a group of psychologists researched the subject too. And learned some interesting things:

In a study of adolescent’s 10-18-years-old were interviewed by phone 4 1/2 years after their parents’ separation. Feeling caught between parents was related to high parental conflict & hostility & low parental cooperation. Being close to both parents was associated with low feelings of being caught in the middle. The relation between time spent with each parent & feeling caught depended on the co parenting relationship. Adolescents in dual residence were especially likely to feel caught when parents cooperated. Feeling caught was related to poor adjustment outcomes. Parental conflict was only related to adjustment outcomes indirectly, through adolescents' feelings of being caught. [ii]

Americans are not immune from this modern tragedy either. A study on the matter was done her as well. It found out some interesting things too:

In the history of child custody decision-making and current custodial arrangements in high-conflict divorce, children, especially boys, are two to four times more likely to be clinically disturbed in emotions and behavior compared with national norms. Court-ordered joint physical custody and frequent visitation arrangements in high-conflict divorce tend to be associated with poorer child outcomes, especially for girls. Types of intervention programs and socially appropriate for these kinds are presented. [iii]

Many parents do not realize how traumatic divorce is on children. A study was conducted on the effects of custody. It raised various concerns and even suggested some possible solutions: What children need to hear:

They often mistakenly believe it is their fault when a parent leaves. And it would not happen if they were good. Whether or not they disclose this, you should assure them that they are not responsible. They need to hear this regularly in order to believe it and dismiss their feelings of guilt.

When a parent leaves, young children feel abandoned and unloved. Tell them that you and your spouse still love them and will continue to look after them.

Tell children what to expect, i.e., who will be moving, and where.
Assure them that both parents will still spend time with them and remain involved in their lives. [iv]

Canada is no exception to this horror. A group of experts over there got did a study too. They also offer some ideas to help do damage control for you children:

What can you do?
Encourage young children to talk about, or act out their feelings.
Indirect communication works well with young children. For example, you may tell a story about a child in a similar situation, including their specific worries and fears. Ask questions such as, "How do you think this boy feels?" and "Do her parents still love her?"

Do not upset your child's routine. A regular schedule and familiar activities help offset feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Cooperate and support each other's relationship with your children. They need time with both of you. Avoid long separations from them, especially at this time.

Be patient with toddlers who may need time to get reacquainted with each visit. Phone calls and a photo of the absent parent help the child remember and feel close. If new childcare arrangements need to be made, accompany your child there for a preliminary visit. Let her take along familiar objects, such as stuffed animals, toys or a prized blanket. Keep consistent routines all day. [v]

Various studies were done on the subject. They often try to focus on one of the aspects that result from divorce. This one suggests looking for warning signs. Hopefully it will help parents’ head off some of the problems at the pass:

Some common problems to look for
Young children who can’t verbalize their feelings may exhibit signs of distress such as waking during the night, bed-wetting, aggressive and/or anti-social behavior, crying and/or clinging, appetite loss, language skills and toilet training (toddlers). Sleeplessness, and/or recurrent bad dreams. [vi]

Many bad marriages could be avoided if they underwent premarital counseling to help prepare them for the very bump road ahead. Marriages should be built on levels like a house: friendship and love should be the foundation.

The next level is acceptance as it is a two-way-street: you must give it to get it! Don't marry someone to change her! Appreciation, compromise (eliminates many irreconcilable differences), communication (means listening too), consideration, fidelity, forgiveness (releases you from past), honesty, patience, preference, reciprocation, trust, teamwork and understanding can go a very long way.

It is not much of a friendship, much less marriage if you cannot speak your mind! Suppressed anger festers & reemerges later. "Love doesn't mean you should know what your partner is thinking or feeling. You can't read minds. It means you're willing to listen." (Brown) Doing this helps make you both so happy, you have very little to fight over. It often takes little things such as spending a little quality time together after coming from work and not seeing each other all day. Do not read the mail or be on the phone because that is a sign of rejection. It unconsciously tells your partner whatever you’re doing is more important than her. So she gets angry & defensive because no one likes rejection.

When all that’s done, use courage and determination as cement to combine it all. Mix a dash of luck & spirituality in to the mix and you’re all set for a happy marriage. If you have children they’ll probably be very well adjusted. "Some people say you must be free and unencumbered to succeed. But to the contrary you can only do your best when you are secure." (Bradshaw) Knowing that you are loved and wanted provides a springboard that you can catapult into a happy, healthy life.

I close by saying to call divorce a civil war would be a huge understatement! And doesn’t even begin to cover it, or the problems that emanate from having your whole world turned “upside-down” and “inside-out”! Unfortunately, children are the biggest casualties of this war! Many marriages could be saved and casualties spared if people were willing to work at it. "People must go to a religious counselor if they really want to save their marriage because psychology focuses on self gratification, instead of what's right and best for everyone." (Schlesinger)

Works Cited

Brown, Joy. The Dr. Joy Brown Radio Show. WWOR 710 - AM. 17 January 1997.
Dobson, James Dr. Insight For Living Radio Show, WMCA 570-AM, 12/12/96. Broer, Paul. Personal Interview 29 January, 1997.

Goldberg, Ruth. Personal Interview 2 March, 1997.
The World According To Me, Jackie Mason. Channel 13 WNET, 14 March 1997.
The Bradshaw Difference T.V. Show. Dr. John Bradshaw. WWOR-UPN, Ch. 9. 3/3/97.

1. Kings James Bible. The Old Testament, Psalms 23:4.
2. Spiglemnan G. Spigleman A. Parental divorce as a factor in children's perception of human relationships: an analysis of human movement responses in the Rorschach test. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 32 (3): Pp.218-24, 1991.
3. Shaw DS. The effects of divorce on children's adjustment. Review and implications. Behavior Modification. 15 (4):456-85, 1991 October.

4. Guidelines for child custody evaluations in divorce proceedings. American Psychological Association, Committee on Professional Practice and Standards (COPPS). American Psychologist 49 (7):677-80, 1994 July.
5. Life goes on, Helping Children Live with Separation and Divorce. Health Canada Communications Publications; Ottawa, Ontario, K1AOKO.
6. Children and Family Break-Up pamphlet. The Canadian Child Care Federation: Association of Family Recourse Programs, Dundas Street west, Toronto, Ontario, M5G 1Z8. September 1996.
Schlesinger, Laura. The Dr. Laura Schlesinger Radio Show, 3/9/97. WABC 770-AM.
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