Banking

Subject: Banking, my style

This-letter to the bank is an actual letter that was sent to a bank, by a 96- year- old women.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY Times.

Dear Sir, I’m writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my

plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his

presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of

course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,

has been in place for only eight years.

You’re to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and for debiting my

account a $30 penalty for your inconvenience. My thankfulness springs from the manner in

which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From

now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will

arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any

other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to

complete.

I’m sorry it runs eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank

knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history

must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial

situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I’ll issue your employee a PIN # which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I

regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but, again, I have modeled it on the # of button

presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer to my living room in case I’m there.

4. To transfer to my bedroom in case I’m sleeping.

5. To transfer to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu & to listen to options 1 - 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of

the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover

the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New-Year.

Your Humble Client.