Being Jewish

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which u must starve and
days on which you must over eat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast

Tzom Gedalia ---------- Fast

Yom Kippur ---------- More fasting

Sukkot -------------- Feast for a week +

Hashanah Rabbah ----- More feasting

Simchat Torah ------- Keep right on feasting

Month of Heshvan ---- No feasts or fasts for a month. Get a grip.

Hanukkah ------------ Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet ------ Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat --------- Feast

Fast of Esther ------ Fast

Purim --------------- Eat pastry

Passover ------------ Do not eat pastry for a week

Shavuot ------------- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz ------ Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B'Av ----------- Serious fast (don't even think of cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle.

Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.


There are many forms of Judaism:


Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism ------ we eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism-------- I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism --------- drop the kids @ at Sunday School, go out to eat.

Twice a Year Judaism ----- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when: You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her facethat were always asymmetrical. You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes
(-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

U grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

U grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are u okay?
Are u okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in in over 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as
comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.