The Optomist sees the bagel...

This is from a little book called "The Optimist Sees the Bagel, thePessimist sees the Hole. --

Life's Little Jewish Instruction Book, by Leonard Sorcher-
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.-

It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

- If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

- Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

- WASPs leave and never say good-bye.

Jews say good-bye and never leave.

- Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

- Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

- There's nothing like a good belch.

- Israel is the land of milk and honey;

Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

- Never pay retail.

- Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

- No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.

- The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

- And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

- If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

- Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

- Always whisper the names of diseases.

- One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

- If you don't eat, it will kill me

- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

- The most important word to know in any language is 'sale'.

- Where there's smoke, there may be smoked, salmon.

- Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

- Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

- Next year in Jerusalem.

The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

- Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

- Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

- The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended. (for all you NY'ers)

- You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

- A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

- A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

- Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

- Before you read the menu, read the prices.

- There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up & tell his mother he's an adult.
This usually happens at around age 45.

- According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.-

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying a non Jew.

- If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

- No meal is complete without leftovers.

- What business is a yenta in? Yours!

- If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

- The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

- Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

- Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.