Assorted thoughts

Ain't It -The –Truth

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a lady wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Butthead's.

11. I love being married. It's great to find a special person u want to annoy the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for # of consecutive days I stayed alive.

14. Why do we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people, u don't- want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18 When I walk into a singles bar I hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, u don't know where it's been!"

19. A good pal will bail u out of jail...but, a true one will be next to u saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

20. I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if when we messed up we could press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' & restart?

25. Stress is when u awake screaming & realize u haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising kids was going to be easy, it wouldn’t- begin with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't u know it...Brain cells come & go, but FAT cells live forever.

31. Why must I swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments can’t be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....& since it's in English, thank a soldier."

1 Brian Wilson, my assistant tax accountant, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Brian works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Brian never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Brian is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Brian can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Brian be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.