British Yiddish Humor III

The prayer
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank G-d he's in bed!"
In the hospital ward Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can't figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, "Look how smart those Jews are! He's taking his own blood pressure.


A visit to the Vet
Solly took his King Charles spaniel dog to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Dr Cohen stepped back in shock, "Solly, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."


Going to shul
Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulke and sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
"I'm not going to shul today!" he said to Sarah emphatically.
"Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
"No I'm not . . . I don't think I really want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people down there don't like me, they ignore me sometimes . . . they don't appreciate me at all . . . and I won't go back."
"Yes, you will go today, and you will continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I'll give you two reasons. Number one, you're 45 years old ... and Number two, you're the Rabbi!"



The fur coat
David Levy and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Hendon furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" David says.
So the furrier goes into the storeroom and comes out with an absolutely stunning full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes over to David & discreetly whispers in his ear, "Ah, sir, that particular fur coat goes for £20,000."
"No problem! I'll write you out a cheque."
"Very good, sir," says the furrier. "Today is Friday, you may come by on Tuesday to pick it up after the cheque has cleared."
So David and the woman leave.
On Tuesday, David returns to the shop, on his own. The furrier is outraged to see him.
"How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your bank account."
"I just had to come by," grinned David, "to thank u for the most wonderful weekend of my life."


The colour white
Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows everyone that your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise -- "All domestic appliances are white!"



Conversation with the Rabbi
Rabbi Bloom asked young Paul what his favourite bible story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied Paul.
"That was a good story," said Rabbi Bloom, "and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"
Paul thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so...they only had two worms."


On their way
A catholic woman, a protestant woman and Hette die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The catholic woman says," I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left.
Hette tells St. Peter," I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family." St. Peter tells Hette to step to the right.
Hette immediately asks him, " Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?


The visit
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."


Quick thinking
A minister, a priest and Rabbi Samuels went for a walk in the country. It was a very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water naked. When they came out, they were feeling so refreshed that the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
But as they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and Rabbi Samuels covered his face.
After the ladies had left and the men had got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked Rabbi Samuels why he covered his face rather than his privates.
Rabbi Samuels replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize."


The accident
One day, Moishe is crossing the street and gets knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, an ambulance is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Moishe and a pillow under his head and asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
Moishe looks up and says, "Vell, I make a living!"


Groan, groan
Bernie and Yossi were down on their luck and decided to do some part time external decoration work to earn extra money. To start off their new venture, they asked their Rabbi if he would be interested in their painting the outside of his house - for a very keen price, obviously. The Rabbi said yes and so Bernie and Yossi went out to buy the paint.
They drove to the local Sainsbury’s Homebase store and bought some emulsion. It was cheap enough as paint goes and they planned to mix half paint and half water to further increase their profits. Then they went back to the Rabbi’s house and started work.
When they had finished painting the Rabbi’s house, Yossi called the Rabbi and his wife to come out and inspect their work.
"It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said. But as he started to hand them their cheque, it started to rain quite heavily. All at once there was thunder and lightning, the Rabbi’s house was drenched, and the paint started running down the walls.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven roared . . . "Repaint. Repaint and thin no more."


Mathematics
A little something I'd thought you'd like to know . . .

5765 Year according to Jewish calendar
4702 Year according to Chinese calendar
-------
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food


What a coincidence!
Moishe and Bernie are walking down Regents Street when Moishe suddenly says to Bernie, "Don't look! Don't look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Bernie sneaks a peak & says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"


The last request
Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Cohen.
"Oh, Rabbi, I've got terrible news," replied Esther.
"Well what is it, Esther?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi."
"Oh, Esther", said the Rabbi, "That's terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther.
"What did he ask, Esther?"
Esther replied, "He said, 'Please, please Esther, put down the gun...'



The visitor
A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."
"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels here."
"Then what are those things in the window?"
"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."
"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?"
"We eat them," says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"


It’s the way I ask ‘em
Two Yeshiva students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement.
So Yankel says to Moishe, "We will go and ask the Rebbe."
When they find the Rabbi, Yankel asks him, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice: "Certainly not!"
Moishe then addresses the Rabbi, "Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?"
The Rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, "Yes, of course!"


Quickies

Hette had plastic surgery the other day. Her husband cut up her credit cards.

Show me a Jewish boy who didn't become a doctor and I'll show you a lawyer.

Q: What do Jewish mothers and 60 minutes have in common?
A: They both begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk


The tailor
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"


The holiday
Michael and Hetty, an elderly couple, are on holiday in Devon when they decide to take a drive into the countryside. Hette is driving when she gets stopped by a traffic policeman.
The officer comes up to the car and says to her, “Madam, did you know you were speeding?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says you were speeding.”
The policeman then says to Hette, “May I see your driving licence?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He wants to see your driving licence.”
So Hette gives the officer her licence.
The policeman looks at the licence and then says, “Ah. I see you are both from Golders Green in London. I spent some time there many years ago and I’ll always remember the time that I went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says he thinks he knows you.”


Honesty
One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, G-d appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
G-d went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?", G-d asked. The woodcutter said "No".
G-d again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" G-d asked. The woodcutter said "No".
G-d went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?", G-d asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes".
G-d was so pleased with the man's honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, G-d appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim."
G-d went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", G-d asked.
"Yes", he said.
G-d was furious, "YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you."
The woodcutter quickly said, "Please forgive me, My L-rd. It is a misunderstanding. If I said "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said "No" to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say "Yes". Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that's why I had to say "Yes"...


The curse
Shirley sat next to Hette, a middle aged lady, in shul one Shabbos. She couldn’t help but notice Hette’s wonderful, huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hette, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”
“Oy vay,” said Hette. “Thank you for saying that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it has a curse as well.”
“What do you mean?” said Shirley.
Hette replied, “Don’t you know that this is the Katz diamond?”
Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”
“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond has a curse.”
“But what ever is this curse?” asked Shirley.
“Mr Katz.”


Share and share alike
Moishe was eating in Solly’s restaurant one day when he saw an elderly couple on another table. They had ordered one plate of salt beef and chips, one drink and one extra glass.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the salt beef into 2 portions, then counted the chips and divided them equally as well. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and put it in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat and his wife just sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap.
Moishe had to ask them whether they would accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old man said, “Oh, no, that’s very kind. We’ve been married 50 years now, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50.”
Moishe then asks the old lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “it’s his turn with the teeth.”


The change maker
Freda was looking very sad whilst talking to her best friend Kitty. "Ever since we got married, Robert has been trying to change me. That’s all he seems to do. He got me to stop drinking, cut down significantly on my smoking, and he stopped me going shopping at Brent Cross at all hours of the day. He taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy the fine arts, he got me to enjoy gourmet cooking, classical music and recently how to invest in the stock market. He even sent me to Hebrew Classes."
On hearing this, Kitty said, "Sounds like are just a little bitter because Robert spends so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter, " said Freda. "Now that I'm so improved, I find he just isn't good enough for me any more."


Rodney Dangerfield lines:
•A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went right over... and nobody was home!
•During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel!
•One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
•It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
•I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a radio and a toaster!
•I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
•I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
•I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror and I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect!"


The gift
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist’s studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted:
'You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?'
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewellery.
Rebecca replied: 'When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels'.
The line up
The end of the world has come. G-d looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone & there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
G-d is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


Serves you right
Morris was manager of a local estate agents. One day, he hired a new secretary. She was so good looking and sexy that he decided he just had to try and go out with her, even though this meant he would be doing it behind his wife’s back. He was very surprised how successful he was in his new ‘venture’.
But within a few weeks, he was feeling very unhappy at the way she was working during the day. Her attitude was one of not caring, being rude to clients and coming in to work late. After two more weeks, Morris couldn’t let her behaviour continue and he asked her to come into his office for a little chat.
"Listen, Marlene, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who told you that you could start coming into work late and slacking off?"
Marlene replies, "My lawyer!"