The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace. “The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice, on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”


Mind reader
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.


The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."


You can't hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking, mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish mother.


Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.


Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but she doesn't really care.


Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.


It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.


Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!


The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.


The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"


The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.


Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying a 'shiksa.'
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."


The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for after the funeral."



Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800's, Moishe had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still see 'em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah, I couldn' shoot'em." "Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? I've known him ince he was only dis big!"


Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don't know but his face certainly rings a bell."


Quasimodo Levy - 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man's brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato - hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and asked, "who was that man?"
Replied Quasimodo Levy, "I don't know, but he's certainly a dead ringer for his brother."


Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.


Noah's ark
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”

And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”

And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”

And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah, my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”


A sign of prosperity
Maurice started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man. One day, his bank manager rang him and said, “Maurice, I have a query on one of your recent cheques. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years, you've been signing all cheques with two X’s but this one is signed with three X’s. Is it yours?”
Maurice replied, “Yes, it is. Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”

Latest inventions from Chelm
· A water-proof towel
· Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
· A solar powered torch
· A book called ‘how to read’
· Water-proof tea bags
· A pedal-powered wheel chair
· A full index for a dictionary


Short summary of every Jewish holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.


The Jewish diamond ring
A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said, "it's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."


The Arab and the little old Jewish man
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".
Hymie replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie, I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."


The Bush
George W. Bush, Jr. was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".


The Japanese tourist
A tourist from Japan is walking the streets of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"


At the tavern
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered, "Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"


(#235) The Jewish mother
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for over twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.


Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."


The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"


The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"


Getting Old
G-d grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If G-d really wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
These are not old, unless you heard them before. Steve