British Yiddish Humor

British Yiddish Humor Monday, June 13, 2005 2:26 AM from: "Howard A Asinoff"


The night out
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.

Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”

Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
“The teeth.”


Dog attack
Sidney loved dogs. He thought nothing of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how vicious a reputation it had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked him. So serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained.
If you ever come across Sidney’s grave, you will find these words inscribed on his headstone, “HE HAD NO MAZEL”

The greeting
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says.
“Nu, is this how my friend greets me?” says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
“So how are you, Hymie?” Avrahom asks.
“Don’t ask.” replies Hymie.

Good reading
Max was crossing over Hendon Road one day when he was hit by a bus. He was immediately rushed to Hendon hospital and put in intensive care. A few day’s later, Harry, his best friend, visits him.
“So how are things, Max?” Harry asks.
“Not good. My wife Leah visits me three times a day.”
“So what’s bad about that?” says Harry.
“Every time she comes,” replies Max, “she sits at my bedside and reads to me.”
“What does she read?” asks Harry.
”My life insurance policy.”

Declining morals
Rabbi Levy and Rabbi Landau met one day and within minutes were discussing how quickly morals in the western world were declining.
”Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my wife before I got married.” said Rabbi Levy, “Did you?”
”I can’t be sure,” said Rabbi Landau, “what was her maiden name?”


The neighbours
Sharon lives in a block of flats. One afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow who lives next door.
So Sharon says to her son Paul, "Boobalah, be a good boy. Go find out how old Mrs Himmelfarb is?"
A few minutes later, Paul returns.
"Nu?" asks Sharon, "Is she OK?"
"She's fine mum, but she's quite angry with you," replies Paul.
"Angry with me?" says Sharon, "What has she got to be angry about?"
"Well," says Paul, “she said, ... it's none of your business how old she is."


Room service
Jacob is staying at a London hotel and decides to phone his friend. He calls the operator and in broken English with a heavy Eastern European/Yiddish accent, he asks for 266418.
Ten minutes later, Jacob hears a knock on his door. When he opens it, he sees two gorgeous, sexy women standing there.
One of them says to him, “Was it you who ordered two shikses for one night?"


To be a doctor
A doctor needs three things to be successful
1. To have grey hair, to look distinguished;
2. To be moderately overweight, to look prosperous;
3. To have painful haemorrhoids, to have a constant look of grave concern.


A call to the doctor
Sarah had recently given birth to her first child. Sarah was also a bit of a worrier to say the least and she hadn’t been home long before she rang her doctor in a state of panic.
“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the doctor.
“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.
The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but …how are you taking it?”
Sarah replied, “Oh, I'm holding up pretty well, doctor.”

The business competitors
Benjy and Issy were in conversation. Benjy says, “Did you know our synagogue has not one but two podiatrists as members?”
“Yes,” replies Issy, “and did you know that they have both just opened new clinics in the same street?”
“Well, that doesn’t really surprise me,” says Benjy with a gleam in his eye, “after all, they were arch enemies."

Doctor’s advice
Sam is recovering from a recent heart attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist. After a full check up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, “OK, but what if I only look for women who live on the ground floor?"


The wedding ceremony
Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.

Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Maurice, "Pull down your trousers."
"Rabbi, I've changed my mind," says Maurice, "I think I prefer the traditional service."


A really stupid joke (for children)
Shlomo the tomato was out walking one day with his wife and young son Benjy the tomato. Unfortunately, Benjy the tomato was not walking fast enough and he kept falling behind his parents. So Shlomo the tomato turned round and shouted at Benjy, “You meshuggener, ketch-up.”


Time off for a happy event
Issy went to see his personnel manager. “Could I please have this Friday off so that I can have a long weekend?”
“Why?”
“Because my wife is expecting a baby,” Issy replied.
“But of course you can, Issy,” came the reply. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? When is the event due?”
“About nine months after I get home.”


It’s not my fault
Jacob is in court facing the judge. The judge says to him, “It has been brought to my attention that you are now 4 months behind with your alimony. Do you realise that this is a serious omission?”
“Yes, your honour, but let me explain,” replies Jacob, “It’s all because my second wife Judith isn’t very well at the moment and she can’t work too hard.”


Jewish Women’s Shopping Centre (JWSC)
Rivkah goes to the new shopping centre in Hendon. It’s unique because it’s only for Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands. Potential husbands are the only goods on display. This is why Rivkah is there.
When she enters the building, there is a large sign, which says: -


THE HENDON JWSC
•This JWSC centre is laid out over 5 floors
•The men here have increasingly better attributes the higher up you go
•The rules for entry are simple – you are only allowed in once
•Once you open the door to a floor, you must choose a man from that floor
•If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to leave the centre


BEST OF LUCK
Rivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on the door says

Floor 1: All the men here have jobs, love children and are certainly not lazy
Rivkah thought, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving children, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes to the next floor. The sign says

Floor 2: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy and are extremely good looking.
"That’s better," thought Rivkah, "but I wonder what's further upstairs?" Up she goes. The sign says

Floor 3: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and are not strictly orthodox.

"Wow," thought Rivkah, "almost perfect and very tempting. But I’ve come this far and there's more further up!" And so again, up she goes. The sign says

Floor 4: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, are not strictly orthodox, are very romantic and know how to satisfy their partner.
"Oy vay, wonderful" she said aloud, "but just think what could be waiting for me upstairs" So up to the fifth and top floor she goes. The sign here says

Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that Jewish women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day.

Reductions
Moshe’s haberdashery business was doing very badly and he decided he had to reduce his staffing level by two if he wanted to survive. So two had to go. But it didn’t help for long and he soon had to let another two go, and then soon after that, another two. Moshe died not long afterwards. All who knew him said that the terrible strain of running his business contributed to his death.
Later, as they were carrying Moshe’s body to his grave, Moshe suddenly pushed off the lid, sat up in his coffin and asked, “How many men are carrying me?”
“Eight,” came the reply.
“Better lay off two,” said Moshe, lying down again.

Silence is not golden
Bernie and Estelle had a big argument, which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This ‘silence’ went on for three days. But then Bernie realised he needed Estelle’s help because he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldn’t bring himself to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow.
It said, "Please wake me at 5 am. I have to catch an early plane."
Next morning, Bernie woke and found to his horror that it was 9 am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen and there was a note on his pillow.
It said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."

Sneaky
Sam goes into a barber’s shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and replies, "About 30 minutes."
Sam thanks him and leaves.
Two days later, Sam again enters the shop, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 45 minutes."
Sam again thanks him and leaves.
A week later, Sam sticks his head into the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and says, "About 35 minutes."
Sam once again thanks him and leaves.
Issy is bewildered by this strange behaviour so he says to his assistant, "Could you please follow that man and let me know where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he would have to wait for a haircut but doesn't return."
Five minutes later, his assistant comes back, laughing aloud. Issy asks him, "So where did the guy go when he left here?"
The assistant looks at Issy and replies, "Your house."

The mermaid
It’s Sunday morning, and as usual, Abe, Issy and Benny are out fishing. Suddenly, Benny catches a mermaid. The mermaid begs him to set her free. In return, she will grant each of them a wish.
Abe doesn't believe her and says, "If you can really grant wishes, double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Abe starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyses what he's recited with great insight.

Issy is amazed and says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Issy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been puzzling the greatest scientists of the world - the mathematicians, atomic physicists and chemists.

Benny sees the changes in his friends, so he says to her, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him with a worried look and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but in this case, I really think you should reconsider. You just don't know what you're asking for. It will change your entire view of life as you now know it. Please, ask for something else. Ask for £1m and I’ll give it to you. Ask for anything, please."

Benny replies, "I hear what you’re saying but I’ll take the chance. I want you to increase my IQ to five times its usual power. If you don't, I won't set you free."
So the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
Shazzam. Benny turns into a woman.

............................. Caution: Naughty Jokes ..................

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.

But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."

The advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced 6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good in bed.

Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?” Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?


The Chanukah party
Rachel and Moshe Cohen were invited to a posh masked, fancy dress Chanukah party.
Unfortunately, Rachel got a terrible headache and told Moshe to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Moshe protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Moshe put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.

After sleeping soundly for an hour or so, Rachel awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. She knew that Moshe didn’t know what costume she was going to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acts when she was not with him. So Rachel put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party.
Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner and devoted all his time to her - to the new beauty that had just arrived.

Rachel let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make for his behavior.

Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe came in and she asked what kind of time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I never even danced one dance. When I got t the party, I bumped into Yossi, Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”


The sinner
Rabbi Goldberg stood before the Recording Angel, who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Rabbi Goldberg, can it be? Your record shows nothing but mitzvahs! Tell me, in your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?”
“Mr Angel,” replied the Rabbi, “I tried to live like a G-d fearing Jew.”
“But in a whole lifetime, not one - single - sin?”
“No, I’m s-sorry.”

“Well I can’t let you into heaven, Rabbi Goldberg! You already are an angel. I am going to have to send you back to earth for 24 hours and if you want to get into heaven, you’ll appear back here with at least one sin on your record. Goodbye.”
Poor Rabbi Goldberg was scooped back to earth. He wandered about, desolate, seeking to stray from virtue, not knowing how. The hours passed and the Rabbi grew uneasy.
Only 12 hours now remained. “Oh, G-d, blessed be your name, help me. Help me to sin. Just once!”

And then a woman signalled to him from a doorway. His prayers had been answered. How swiftly Rabbi Goldberg responded. The voluptuous woman led him to her room …. and to her bed.

Hours later, the Rabbi awoke. “What time is it?”
“Half past six.”
The Rabbi smiled. “At seven o’clock, someone is picking me up.”
He started to dress, chuckling.
But the chuckles froze when, from her bed, he heard the woman sigh, “I’m over 40 year’s old and I was a virgin - Oh, mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night!”


A pointed story
Nathan, an elderly Jewish man, was out shopping in Brent Cross and came upon a pair of crocodile shoes.
He took a fancy to them so much that he buys them and even decides to wear them to go home in. He walks in the front door and says “Sylvia. Do you see anything different?”
She replies “No, Nathan”
Nathan says, “Take another look honey. Don't you see?”
“No”, she says.
So Nathan tells her to wait there. He then goes into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except the shoes. He comes back downstairs and says “Now do you see anything different?”
She looks closely and says, “No, it’s drooping now, it was drooping yesterday, and it will be drooping tomorrow.”
“But honey, it’s looking right at my new shoes. Don’t you see?”
She says, “I think you should have bought a new hat instead.”


Riddle
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.


The visit to the chemist
Abe walks into a chemist and asks for some condoms.
“Yes sir, do you want the Catholic pack, the Protestant pack or the Jewish pack?”
Abe asks, “What’s the difference?”
The chemist replies, “The Catholic pack has six, one for each day of the week but never on Sunday. The Protestant pack has eight, one for each day of the week and twice on Sunday. And of course the Jewish pack has 12”
“Why twelve?” asks Abe.
(The chemist sighs and counts on fingers) “January, February, March....”


His 80th Birthday present
Moshe Levy was soon to be 80 years old and his friends didn’t know what to buy him. His wife had died some years ago and he did not go out very often, at least, not with the opposite sex.
In the end, they came to the conclusion that Moshe needed a Hooker, so they hired one.
She knocked on his door. When Moshe answered she said to him, “Happy birthday to you Mr Levy. I’ve come to offer you super sex.”
He replied “If it’s all right with you, I’ll have the soup!”


Dancing not allowed
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That could lead to dancing!"


The date
Two elderly Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much. I’m just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg who lives in Finchley?
Sadie: Yes, him.

Rose: Oh Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg only last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me out to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. As soon as we were in my living room, he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there and then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah.


A medical problem
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week’s time."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."


The broken watch
David’s watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."

David was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"