British Yiddish Humor VI

The special cookies
As 80 year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom, he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard, he leans against the kitchen door frame and stares in. "I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. "Am I really in heaven," has asks himself, "or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I exit from this world a happy man?" Then with one final effort, Benny propels himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that he will soon experience. All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand with her wooden spoon. "Please don't touch them," she says, "they're for the Shiva."

Too clever by half - Little 5year old Benjy was practicing spelling on his fridge using a set of magnetic letters. Freda, his mother, had watched him put together words such as ‘mum’, ‘dad’, ‘dog’, ‘cat’ and ‘car’ and was very proud of her clever son. But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what I spelled, mummy." Freda looked at the fridge and saw that he had put up the three magnetic letters, ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’. "Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said, "why don’t you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?" "OK, mummy," he said. But just as Freda was thinking that the Jewish school he went to was starting to have an impact, Benjy’s little voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

Kosher PC - My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
Microsoft Office includes, "a little byte of this and a little byte of that."
Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
The KPC start button is labelled, "Let's go already, I'm not getting any younger."
When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the tuchus."
KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant I should fix this?"
When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
KPC email always opens with "You don't write and you never call."
The KPC options button is labelled, "But on the other hand."
When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?"
The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.

Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.
Drive-in cash - Hyman received the following letter from his bank: - "The President of the Bank of Golders Green is pleased to announce that two ‘drive-through’ cash dispensers have now been installed to enable customers to withdraw cash without leaving their cars. To help our customers make the most effective use of this new service, we have come up with the following guidelines. These were drawn up following intensive behavioural studies of drive-in services.


PROCEDURES FOR MALE CUSTOMERS

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine
4. Enter PIN number
5. Enter amount of cash required
6. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
7. Wind up window
8. Drive off


PROCEDURES FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse a bit to align the car window with the cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down your car window
5. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Turn down the radio
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to access cash machine due to its distance from car
9. Insert card into machine
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Empty handbag again to find diary with the PIN number listed
12. Enter PIN number
13. Press ‘cancel’ and re-enter correct PIN number
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror
20. Drive away and then stop after 8 feet
21. Reverse car back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Restart stalled engine and drive away
24. Drive for 2-3 miles
25. Release handbrake


Quickies -
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch? A: Reservations
Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks, "Oy, do you have matzoh balls?" "No," replies the waiter, "I always walk like this."


Identification -Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading the Financial Times. "Excuse me," she says, "can I ask you something personal? Are you Jewish?" "No, I’m not," replies the man. A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him, "Please, are you sure you’re not Jewish?" The man replies, "No, I’ve told you I’m not," and continues to read his paper. A few minutes later, "Excuse me, are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?" At that, the man gets quite frustrated and replies, "All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you leave me alone?" Rivkah looks at him and says, "Funny, you don’t look Jewish."


The search party - Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go skiing whilst she unpacked. "Don’t worry about me," he said, "I’ll be back within 2 hours."

Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross. After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.

As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out, "Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?" When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time, "Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross." And then they heard a faint voice say, "It’s OK. I’ve given already."


The flight home - Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served. "Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.


Marriage etiquette
Naomi had only recently got married and was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says, "Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits his friends have?"


Gender Confusion
A Tel Aviv college professor of IT knew that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." But what gender, he thought, should computers be addressed? So he decided to ask his class. He set up two groups of computer experts, one comprised of women and the other of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or masculine gender and give 4 reasons for the choice. The women said that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Although they have a lot of data, they are still clueless. They are supposed to help solve problems but most of the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that had you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, said that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender. No one but God understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you commit to one, you start spending money on accessories for it.

The new member - Rivkah had been trying for some time to become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she becomes a member. Unfortunately, at her first golf club dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her. Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown, Rifka jumps up and shouts, "Oy Vay." Then, looking around her, she adds, "Whatever that means."

Directions - Avrahom has just been shopping and is walking home down Golders Green High Road carrying lots of parcels when a man comes up to him. "Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Levy’s bagel bakery?" Avrahom hands over the parcels he is carrying to the stranger, spreads his arms out as wide as he can, shrugs and replies, "How should I know?"

Philosophical thoughts - I had a shock the other day when I read in the papers that 1in 4 Londoners suffers from some kind of mental illness. I’m fairly certain my 3 best friends are normal, so it must be me. Oy vay. I’m not into working out because my philosophy is, "no pain, no pain."

But I am in shape. Well, round is a shape. My bubba believed we should all stay in shape. As soon as she reached 60, she started walking four miles every day. She’s 75 now and we have no idea where she is. I’m neither for nor against apathy. I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator. However, I never got round to it. I’ve always wanted to be somebody. Maybe I should have been more specific. I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it. I plan to live forever. So far, so good. You don’t stop laughing because you’ve grown old. You’ve grown old because you’ve stopped laughing. [So keep on reading these jokes]

The bonding - On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living. The first little girl replies, "My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman." The next little boy replies, "I'm Peter and my dad is a gardener." But the next little boy says, "My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night." Christine quickly changes the subject. Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?" Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The benefit of Private Medical Insurance - Benjy is getting chest pains and goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub it in twice a day."

Well, I never - Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room. Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for £250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren't worth anywhere near £250 and asks to speak the Manager. The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use. "But we didn't use them," Yitzhak complains. "Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers in the UK perform here," he says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains Yitzhak again. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager. "But sir," the Manager says, "this cheque is only made out for £75." "That's right," says Yitzhak. "I charged you £175 for sleeping with my wife Fay." "But I didn't," exclaims the Manager. "Well," Yitzhak replies, "she was here and you could have."

Who has enemies? One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, "Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies." About 50% raise their hand. This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question. This time about 80% raise their hand. But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question. This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul. Rabbi Landau asks, "Mrs Levy, aren't you willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any enemies," she replies. "That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?" "I'm 98, Rabbi." "Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world." Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, "I outlived the momzers, that’s how."

The promise - Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Sarah says, "I'll miss you."

The soldiers - Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal. Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule." Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey." As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement. The Rabbi looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work." As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?" "No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."

Rebecca and Hyman are silently rocking on their rocking chairs in front of the fire when Hyman suddenly says, "Rebecca, we’ve been married now for over 50 years and it's good that the children are all grown up, living on their own and don’t disturb us much." They continue to rock silently for a few more minutes, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, we certainly aren't getting any younger." They maintain their silent rocking for some more minutes, then Hyman continues, "You know Rebecca, I’ve been thinking. One of these days, one of us is surely going to die." They maintain their silent rocking a bit longer, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, if one of us does die, I'm going to take that trip to Israel we promised ourselves."

........................Warning: Naughty Jokes Below.......................

Sabbath sex - Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath." Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

The flasher - Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

The brothel visit - The madam of a brothel answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.

Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--" "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The rabbi paid out the necessary money and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time than the first.

As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."