British Yiddish Humor IV

Punishment
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God."
A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled them first."


The facelift - 1
Hette has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees G-d and asks if this is the end for her.
G-d says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Hette is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of G-d, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40years?".
G-d replies, "I didn't recognize you."


The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, Morris thought why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later, the lady says, "OK, it's done. I now know that you are 47."
Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was brilliant. How did you do that? "
She replies, giggling, "We were behind you in the Fenwick’s queue."


The homecoming
Hette arrives home. She runs into the house, slams the front door, and shouts at the top of her voice, “Harry, quickly pack your bags, I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery.”
Harry says, “Oh my goodness, what fantastic news. Should I pack for Florida or skiing?”
Hette yells back, “I don’t care where you go, just get out of my life.”


Suddenly Single
Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely." Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"I'm lonely,” he said, "Because I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the room, she shouted, "Carol. It’s OK, he's single!"


If I had my life to live over by Erma
• I would have talked less and listened more.
• I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
• I would have eaten snacks in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come in wearing shoes.
• I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
• I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just been styled and sprayed.
• I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
• I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
• I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching real life.
• I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren't there for the day.
• Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
•When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later, now go get washed up for dinner."
•There would have been more "I love you" ... more "I'm sorry" ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute ... look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back.
•I would tell all my friends that I need and love them and that my life would be empty without them!


Five stupid jokes
Stupid #1
Freda walks into a wine bar and asks the barman to give her a double entendre. So he gives her one.


Stupid #2
Two Jewish aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!


Stupid #3
Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is fully mature?
A: He has a bark-mitzvah!


Stupid #4
I came from a very poor family. One Chanukah, my dad gave me an empty box and told me it was an Action Man deserter kit.


Stupid #5
Morris’s local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.


School Friends
Four old school friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman, says, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic woman then says, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just sat there and sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6", has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Oh, my G-d...'."


Two quickies
Q: What is the difference between a tailor and a psychiatrist?
A: A generation

Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor, to make their mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood


The eye of the beholder
Mrs Stein a rich tourist goes to Paris to visit the art galleries. She decides to hire the services of a guide to show her around the Louvre.
"Oh!" said Mrs Stein looking at a painting, "That's a Monet isn't it?"
"No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied the guide.
"And that one, it's a Pissaro?"
"Er... no I'm sorry Madame, that's a Monet."
"Oh, I see. Now that one I’m sure of - that's a Picasso isn’t it?"
".... no Madame, that's a mirror."


The visit to the Rabbi
Hette goes to see her Rabbi and she is very, very angry. She tells him she wants to divorce her husband.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"

A little bit over the top
Harry and Alf are bragging with each other about their recent fishing expeditions.
"Harry says, "I caught a fish so huge, it must have weighed 50 lbs!"
"That's nothing," scoffs Alf, "I caught an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!"
Harry stared at his friend incredulously and then replied, slowly, "Listen Alf, I'll tell you what, we must stop this boasting – so how's this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed only 5 lbs and you ... well, you put your light out!"

A visit to the doctor
Yenta went to see her doctor. "Dr., I need your help," she said, " I just can’t help talking to myself." "Do you suffer any pain?" asked her doctor.
"No."
"In that case," said the doctor, "go home and don't worry. Millions of people talk to themselves...It’s nothing to worry about."
"But doctor," cried Yenta, " you don't know what a boring person I am!"


It’s obvious
Moshe and his friends had been arguing for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled.
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi.
"Why the moon, of course," replied the Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all."


How are you going to do it?
One summer, Abe Cohen went swimming in the sea at Margate and almost drowned. Luckily, when he cried out for help, some swimmers came to his aid. As he was helped out of the water, he took a solemn oath:
"I swear I shall never to go into the water again until I learn how to swim!"


Talk to me, please
Moishe goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in Waitrose and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”
She asks, “Why on earth do you want me to do that?”
Moishe replies, “Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”


The unhappy woman
One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong.
The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
Hette asked again, "Well, why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning.
Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old lady replied, "I can't remember where I live!"


The conversation
Two Rabbis were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one of them self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"


A conversation with G-d
G-d: And remember, Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: “So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.”
G-d: “No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.”
Moses: “Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.”
G-d: “No, Moses, listen to me. I am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!”
Moses: “Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....”
G-d: “Moses, do whatever you want..........”


How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, "Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in a card table. So you think I'm going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you're talking!"


Grown up for his age
Little nine year old Ira was walking home from Grodzinski’s Bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his mum and their local Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, "Hello Ira! How are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?"
To which Ira replied, "Yeah, and a loaf of bread, too!"


The truth, the whole truth and …
Harry gets stopped by a police car. When the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, " Shut your d*mn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."


Memories
Freda and Mona, two elderly ladies, were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Edgware. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting and enjoying each other’s friendship.
One day, Freda turns to Mona and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . . What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
Mona stares at Freda, looking very distressed, and says nothing for two full minutes. Finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"