On
a lengthy, evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "sr." flight attendant, crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising, altitude &
will be turning down the cabin, lights. This is for your comfort & to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
Upon landing, a Westjet, stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
Also from Westjet: "There’s 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 off this plane. So pay attention!"
"Thank u for flying Delta Business Express. We hope u enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking u for a ride."
As a Continental plane landed & was stopping at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, & pull tight. It works like every other seat belt; &, if you don't know how to use one, you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public alone. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with u, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If u r traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. The Captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank u, & remember, nobody loves you - or your $ - more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore & feel free to take them home with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth & nose, before assisting children, or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, & I know what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy & bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." A Canadian pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile & repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally, there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer & said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies & Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash & the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared & the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door, & you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank u folks for flying with us. And, the next time u get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways." A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies & gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight # 293, nonstop from NY to LA. The weather ahead is good &, therefore, we should have a smooth & uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax and.... OH, NO! LOOK OUT!!!"
Silence followed, & after a minute or two the captain came back on the intercom & said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared u earlier. While I was talking to u, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which she ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!"
Upon landing, a Westjet, stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
Also from Westjet: "There’s 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 off this plane. So pay attention!"
"Thank u for flying Delta Business Express. We hope u enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking u for a ride."
As a Continental plane landed & was stopping at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, & pull tight. It works like every other seat belt; &, if you don't know how to use one, you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public alone. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with u, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If u r traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. The Captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank u, & remember, nobody loves you - or your $ - more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore & feel free to take them home with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth & nose, before assisting children, or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, & I know what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy & bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." A Canadian pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile & repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally, there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer & said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies & Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash & the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared & the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door, & you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank u folks for flying with us. And, the next time u get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways." A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies & gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight # 293, nonstop from NY to LA. The weather ahead is good &, therefore, we should have a smooth & uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax and.... OH, NO! LOOK OUT!!!"
Silence followed, & after a minute or two the captain came back on the intercom & said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared u earlier. While I was talking to u, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which she ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!"
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