Sam stole the rabbi's gold watch & felt bad. So he decided, after a sleepless, night to go to the rabbi.
'Rabbi, I stole a Gold, watch.' 
'But Sam! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately!'
'What shall I do ?'
'Give it back to the owner.' 
'Do you want it '
'No, I said return it to its owner.'
'But he doesn't want it.'
'In that case, keep it.'
 
                                                                     Business Partners
 
Cohen & Levy have been antique dealers across the street from each other for years.
Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff (crook), liar & ignorant, bum & says so publicly.
Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the shop door open & goes out for a few minutes.
Cohen takes the opportunity to steal a magic, lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing - it.  A genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because u released me from a millennium of confinement in the lantern, I'll grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if ask for a beautiful, woman, Levy gets two?"
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"What?" asks the genie. 
"I wish I were half dead."
                                            
                                                                     What's For Dinner?
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked, Ham with glazed, sweet, Potatoes.
Rabbi Cohen regretfully, shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded, Father Kelly, playfully, "are you going to forget your silly, rule & eat Ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied, "At your wedding, reception."
                                                                 
                                                                   Son-In-Law
Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new, future, son-in-law, Sol.
He tells Sol (who is very religious), "Nu (well) tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, u are going to marry my daughter, how will support her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah & it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah & it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home & Mrs. Shwartz, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him & he already thinks I'm G-d."
 
                                                                 Home, Sweet Home
A good, old, American, Jew felt the death is close & asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die & be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons put him in a Jerusalem, Hospital & awaited death. However, once in Jerusalem he felt better & was full of life soon. He called his sons & told them: "Take me quickly back to the US."
 
The sons were disappointed & asked: "Father how come?
You said you want to die in the Holy Land & be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's ok, but to live here....!?"
 
 
                                                        A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years, to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
                                                          Chanukah Gelt
It was two days before Chanukah & Mr. Feldman, despondent, trudged home. "Where will I get $ to buy holiday, presents?" he asked himself, sadly, thinking of his kin. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
 
$100 To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to his problem! He went in, joined, & was given the $100. That evening, he told his family how he got his $. "And here's the $100," he announced grandly, waving it before them.
 
"Darling," said his wife, " remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much?"
"Only $50. It's worth at least 85."
 
Feldman gave it to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long- time I've been saving up to buy a ten- speed. I have most of the $.
I need a bit, more."
"How much?"
"$25."
Feldman handed it over.
 
"Daddy," said his teen age, daughter, "next week our school is having the most important, dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
 
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"$25, Daddy dear."
 
Feldman handed over the remaining $, & grinned. "It never fails: the minute we Gentiles have some $, u Jews take it  from us!"
 
                                                                Oy Yoy Yoy
Three bubbes (grandmas) sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!" (oh.)
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply & says "Oy vey!" (Oh my)
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!" (Woe is me)
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed not to talk about our children!"
 
                                                      Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town’s walking past a construction, site with his wife.
One of the workers stops & calls her.
"What's new, Sara?"
 
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several, minutes.
 
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We dated in high school. I even considered marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "U don't realize how lucky u are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
 
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
                                                                     
                                                             What's In A Name?
A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old, boy just wants to know her family name. The young, guy says Ford. The old, boy tells him that Ford is not a good, Jewish, name & he must forget, her, & find a nice, Jewish, girl. So time passes, & the young, guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father again says,find a nice, Jewish, girl, with a nice, Jewish, name. So more time passes, & the young, guy finds another, girl.  This time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg.                        
 
"Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real, good, Jewish, name, from a good, established, family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favorite, names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young, guy. "It's Whoopi"
 
                                                                   A Word To The Wise
These two, Jewish, men are sitting in a wonderful, deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish, section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
 
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable, Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything.
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think.
After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old, friend also fluent in Yiddish,
"Where did your waiter learn such fabulous, Yiddish?"
The owner looks around, leans in so no one will hear& says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
 
                                                                  Election Day
The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher."
"Mama, I'll be the president, I can get it."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come, ma"
"Ok, ok.  If it makes u happy.
The great, day comes & Ma is seated between the Supreme Court Justices & Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see the boy, the one with his hand on the Bible" "His brother's a dr!"
                                                     
                                                                  Tickets, Anyone?
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady, on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, & scalpers are retiring on this one.
 
Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.
But a few- minutes, later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at my late, husband's funeral."
                                                     
                                                                        From The Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the séance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real, Gypsy, & she brings the voices of the dead from the other, world. We all talk to them!
Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for $20 u can talk to your zayde (grandpa) who you miss so much!"
 
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next, séance at Madam Freda's Séance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
 
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...
Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"
 
Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin, voice, quavered.
 
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I'm in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing & gaze upon the shining, face of the Lord!"
 
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each one was zayde answer,
until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "so when did you learn English?"
 
                                                            Truer Words Were Never spoken
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
                                                            
                                                                       My Son The...
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkeh, things couldn't be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkeh, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a doctor!"
                                                          
                                               What's In A Name?
Mr. Goldstein was awarded the job to paint the local Catholic Church and Convent.
After several days on the job, the Mother Superior called him into her office.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said I would like you to please change three things in the performence of your job.
Number one, please remove your painter's cap when you enter the sanctuary. Number two, please refrain from washing the paint off your hands in the Holy Water. and Number Three. Please stop calling me MOTHER SHAPIRO!!!!!
Joke for the High Holidays...
A Jewish sailor was shipwrecked on a desert island and the first thing he did was build two synagogues....
Years later when he was rescued people were bewildered and asked him: Why he built two synagogues... to which he replied.
"Oh that other one... I would NEVER go there!"
                                                        
                                                    The Jewish Olympics
After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes. Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the following: Decathlon: Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem for this particular event.
Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
Challah Chap: How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.
Dream Team: This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
Naches Shlep: Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.
Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
 The Dating Game
It seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, "Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah! What's going to be already?" Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him "Don't worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches. And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."
Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch.
The young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?" "No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like baseball?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother, would he like baseball?"
                                                                          Jewish Dog
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."
 
                                                                      The Big Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The Jewish fellow replied: "I work for the Jewish National Fund."
 
                                                                     All In A Day's Work
Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help a poor war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US business..."
                                                               May I Take Your Order?
Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
              
                                                                       Last Wish
Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.
The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton).
They told the Rabbi: "We're going to kill you first. Any last requests?"
"Only one," said the Rabbi. "All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It's really great. Before you kill me, I'd like to give my sermon".
"No problem" said the chief terrorist. "Give your sermon and then we'll kill you".
He turned to the Cantor: "You'll be second to die. Any last requests?"
"Only one" said the Cantor. "All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once".
"No problem", said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. "You'll be third. Any last wish?"
"Only one", said the Gabbai. "Please kill me first."
                                                       
                                                              Mother and; Daughter
One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!"
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, "So where's the HAT?"
                                                           
                                                              The Three Hasidim
Three Hasidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rebbe:
The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from schul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said Rebbe it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the let of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.
The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from schul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home.
The third said, "Is that all??" We were walking home from schul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Hasidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe and to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....
 
                                                                A Jew In Paris
A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, "Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dun't mind?"
The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'ize-krim', ve say 'glace'."
"Aw K", says Mrs. Ginsberg, "I'll hev a boxl glace. End if you'll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy."
The clerk replies haughtily, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'cookiss', ve say 'pastilles'; and ve do not say 'kendy', ve say 'bonbons'."
"Dot's fine", replies Mrs. Ginsberg, "put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you'll dunt mind, repp it opp, I'll take it vit me."
At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!"
 
                                                       Four Rabbis
So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"
                                                        
                                                       Jewish Joke
A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two, old, Jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."
                                             
                                                        Jewish Light bulb
Q: How many Jewish mother does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
                                                              
                                                           Flying High
An elderly Jewish couple are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unluckily, this Island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we turn off the stove?" and Esther replies, "of course."
"Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course."
"Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oh my G-d, I forgot to send the check!!"
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
 
                                                                 Diamonds Are Forever:
Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'
                                                               
                                                               Born Jewish
Q - How do we know Jesus was Jewish?
A - He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his father's business.
His mother thought he was G-d.
                                    
                                                       Charity Begins At Home
A Priest, a minister and a Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they collected from charity.
The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to G-d.
The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to G-d.
The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let G-d take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!
                                                             
                                                               IOU
Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a supplier. "Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway. Listen, - answers Grinsberg,- he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!
 
                                                              What's For Supper?
Q - What do Jewish wives make for supper?
A - Reservations.
                                                             Going For A Drive
Sam Shwatrz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank G--d for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
                                                                        At The Bar
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
                                                        
                                                                The Jewish Lawyer
Bernie an old Jewish codger, was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!" answers Bernie, "Get me the course!"
Four days later, Bernie got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please Bernie, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Bernie said: "One less Jewish lawyer".
                                                      
                                                       - Hello.
- Hello -that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dolluhs?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called..
 
Q: What's Jewish Altzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything, but guilt...