Jewish Humor

So who’s kidding who?
Maurice & Rifka -are a lovely old couple, in their 80’s.
One day, she says to him, “Do u know what I’d like right now-an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice.

“That’s sweet, dear” she says.   “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”   “I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka.

“Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do u want?”
“I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream.
Please write it down.”

“I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I want butterscotch sauce on top. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka.

“I don’t need to, honest.  Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,” says-Rifka, “I’d like nuts & Cherry on top. Will u remember?”

“Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice & leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!
Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?”         

                                                             A Trip to the Old, Country

Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for
London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.

"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.

"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.

"Mother, in London, it is
very difficult to keep kosher."
> Then silence, whilst his elderly ma ponders what she heard.
> Then she leans over & whispers in his ear, "Ben,
> tell me, are u still circumcised?"                                                                                                                                   
A visit to the doctor

Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s the matter?"

"Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has t. b.?
Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Dr. Cohen & sort it out now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told
her she has tuberculosis."

The dr. said something to Abe & Abe began lol.

"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful, disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big ass
tochus’" (‘tochus’ is Yiddish for ‘bottom’).                     

                         The perfect shot?

Gary stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity.
He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured-the
wind direction and speed. Then he started over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts.

Finally Benny said, "Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball, will you already!" Gary replied,

"But Benny, my wife Suzie’s up there watching from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, Gary.
You'll never hit her from here!"      
                                                                             
‘Tired and thirsty’ from around the world The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired & thirsty.I must have Diabetes."                   

                        The prophecy

Moishe, a medieval, Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the
king’s favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the
woman died a short, time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him,
"Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. 
"I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."      

                Shaggy buffalo story

A -family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter,
Minihorowitz.

"So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "You'll never believe."
"What?" says Pocayenta.
"Today, at high- noon, someone proposed to-me."
"So what did you say?" says Pocayenta."

"I said yes"
"That's wonderful," says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that
Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married."

"I heard," says Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?" says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them.
How can we feed & get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

"Geronowitz, get me a Buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a
Buffalo."

So he goes out to hunt a buffalo.
A day and night goes by and he has not come back. Another
day and half the night and he comes- home exhausted,
staggering and empty-handed.

"Geronowitz I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my Buffalo?"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high & low
& I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a Buffalo. He was big, with lots of meat and lots of hide,
but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest, Buffalo I
ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the
Buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I carried on looking.
I went up hills and down hills & I found a big, Buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful, Buffalo.

If I say-so myself it was perfect, I thought. 
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the Buffalo. I raise my Tomahawk, slowly over the Buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I've brought the dairy, Tomahawk!" 

Well trained Sam invites Issy to see how his dog Cindy’s doing with her obedience training. Issy says, "Why not get Cindy to do a trick for me?"

Sam says, "Cindy, fetch."
Cindy immediately starts to whine & says, "Oy! What a terrible day I'm having, you wouldn't believe it could get any worse. And the food he
gives me is not even fit for a dog, it’s- rubbish. And he wouldn’t even take me out for my daily exercise this morning."

Issy doesn't understand why Cindy should behave in this way. So Sam explains,
"Cindy hasn’t got the best of hearing these days. She thought I said kvetch."                                                                                           
                         Quickies

Q:  What is a Jewish princess's idea of a dream home?
A:  6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen & no bedrooms.                               

Did you hear about the guy who called his girlfriend MEZZUZZA because she liked to be kissed?                                              

Q:  Why were gentiles invented?
A:  Somebody has to pay retail.                                  
                                        
                  The joker

Dan and Hette are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop. Hette goes in.

While-Dan’s waiting-outside a prostitute comes up to him and says, "Would you like to come back to my place?"

Being a bit of a joker, Dan decides to string her along.
He replies, "How much do you charge?"
"100 pounds," she says.

"I'll give you 10," Dan says with a wink.
She gives him the V sign and walks away.

Hette comes out the shop & they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette & says to Daniel, "You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?"                                       
                       One over the minyan

Nine male Jews are very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know
that the eleventh Jew is also very important? Why is this so?

When the eleventh person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud,
"Thank goodness."

The 11th arrival always responds,
"But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the reply,
"You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!" Holiday of a lifetime. 

A north, London congregation decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years
of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to NY.

When Rabbi Bloom arrives/checks in, he’s surprised to find
a naked, girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a
word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue
long-distance & says, "Where is your respect?
As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.

Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, "Where are u going? I'm not mad @ you."
                                                                       
And they lived happily- ever- after Shlomo & Ruth were celebrating their Golden, wedding>anniversary. Their long-lasting & happy marriage was the
talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask the secret of their
successful, marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo.
"We visited the Grand Canyon & took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s
Mule, stumbled. She looked at the mule & quietly said
'That's once.'

"We had only proceeded a little, farther when the mule
stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes &
quietly, said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone more than a half-mile more when the Mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack & shot the mule dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."                                   

                                                     The gift

Jeremy asks his wife, Naomi what she wants for their 40th
wedding, anniversary.

"Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.

"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.

"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday, home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again passes.

"Well what would u like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"A divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.        
                                                                                                My Fathers’ sayings                               
                                                                              Don't ask me, ask your mother.
You didn't beat me. I let you win.                      
                                                                              Don't worry. It's only blood.  
Don't you know any normal boys?

I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
Who said life was supposed to be fair?
If you forget, you'll be grounded for eternity.

This will hurt me a lot more than you.  
Don't give me any of your lip, young lady!  

You call that noise "music?"
We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.
When I was your age, I respected MY dad.

As long as u live under my roof, you live by my rules.
I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why!

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
This is your last warning!

I'm not sleeping. I was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!  
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?

I don't care what other people are doing!
I'm not everybody else's father!

Didn't your teacher learn you nutin'?

You can marry a rich, guy just as easy as a poor. guy.

It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
You know you're always going to be Daddy's little, girl.
I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.

Don't use that tone with me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
Don't make me stop the car!

                     The deal

I say & Howard were brothers who lived / worked in Golders
Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing, good could be
said about them - they ran a crooked, business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.

When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue 100 thousand pounds if you say at the funeral my  brother, Issy was a mensch."

The Rabbi thought long and hard, but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told Issy’s wrong doings.
He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother,
he was a mensch!"