Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Day I'll Never Forget

A Day I’ll Never Forget By M. Asinoff & Jack Simony 11/28/09 - His idea-95% me.

It was a Monday, like most others, I guess, except on this one the home for retarded adults I work in was going canoeing. Yes, retarded. So I'm politically incorrect. What can I say? Sue me.
Anyway, I was a bit worried because they can't swim. But I'll get back to that.
Meanwhile, we were deciding who'd drive when I got a brain-storm. (I get them sometimes. Unfortunately, they don't always work as well as they sound at first). But I bet my friend, Irene the guys would beat the girls there, anyway. She was reluctant. But I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
It took two hours to get there. And hear they made it in one because she got directions. I knew I made a wrong turn 5 miles back…But I was too macho to stop for directions…So I followed my ego & drove around. (What can I say...? It’s a guy, thing).
Anyway, next thing I know I heard a big splash and someone scream, "Oh, my God...! Al fell in the water!!!..."
Instantly, my worst fears were reality…! My heart-was-racing…! I told my boss this was a bad idea.... But he wouldn’t listen.... He said I worry too much and laughed... I looked around. EVERYONE was frozen with fear & shock... I knew someone had to something.... FAST...! So I jumped in... I was TERRIFIED he'd drown…! It was ALL I could think of…! I don’t think I ever swam so hard in my life...Luckily, I was captain of my college swim-team for two years, or I probably would've been scared out of my mind...
My mom and coach will be so glad to hear they were right: all those laps really did pay-off. I'll have to call the coach... Call!...Yes!...I just remembered my cell phone's-in the car...

They can call 911 while I give him mouth-to-mouth, I thought... Lucky, I know CPR... God, I hope I reach him in time... I never thought I’d hate being so right before... It's so over rated sometimes.

Al’s family will sue... I read about something like this... The family sued for Millions & the home went under...
Many of the residents came here. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to us...It'd be a real shame... What would they do...? Where would they go...? God, I hope they won’t have to worry about that. I’ll reach Al in time.
Then finally...after a few minutes that seemed like eternity, I reached someone...I figured it was Al & was so relieved...I hope it’s him & I’m in time… I took a big, lunge forward, reached out & grabbed a foot…A foot…? Huh. That's weird…How’d I get a foot...?
Oh God...Oh, God…I hope he didn’t fall and hit his head on a rock…PLEASE, God..! Let it be Irene’s… PLEASE. God…! I’ll NEVER, EVER ask you for anything, again! I SWEAR! I know I said that before! But I mean it this time! I swear! I really mean it! I’ll never, ever ask -You, for anything again! Al’s a nice guy. He didn’t do anything wrong! He doesn’t deserve to die! You know that! Please, God! Please let it be Irene’s foot! Please let her have dived in after me & catching her breath while looking to see if he came up...I hope he doesn’t panic or cramp... He treads water a bit…I think…I hope! If he drowns I’ll never forgive myself for not trying to persuade the director harder...!

I’m out of breath, I must get some air or my lungs will burst & they'll be fishing me out too! That's all we need...I can see the headline now...councilor drowns trying to save retarded, adult... (They’ll say I was politically incorrect, too)!
I’m more out of shape than I realized…I just gotta quit smoking... I can’t believe I started again...I did it to look cool in front of Irene...I was so proud of myself for quitting “cold-turkey” a year ago...
Mom’s right: some guys will do anything to impress a babe... especially a “hot”, one, like Irene.... Mom was a gal once...before she married dad...That’s how she got him…She knows we jocks don’t think with our heads...
Hey, I’m a jock...That’s cool...We’re chick magnets... I don’t have to smoke to look cool for Irene...I can get any, girl I want... I can just hear mom saying I told you so... She loves being right... It's a mom, “thing”.
Plus cigarettes are $9 a pack, for Heaven’s sake..!. At least muggers use guns & knives, & don’t insult or try to play you with crap like it’s for your own good... I prefer a hug & kiss when getting it... I’m-”funny” that way...

O.k., that’s it...! I can’t hold my breath anymore... I swear my lungs will explode in a minute. I better surface... While I get some air I can see if whoever’s foot I grabbed found him...

So I surfaced.... You won’t believe whose foot it was... When I tell you you’ll swear I played you... I didn’t! I swear! I’d NEVER even think of it! When I surfaced & looked-up he was standing there...! That's right…! Standing…!

I just could not believe it…! I still swear it was all a bad dream, scene from a movie, or a commercial. I was bleary from oxygen depravation or something, I thought! It can’t be…! I must be hallucinating! The lack of oxygen & heat must be making me delirious! I rubbed my eyes again... when I opened them he was standing there… laughing, hysterically...!

So was everyone else...! Can u imagine the look on my face when I realized the water was five-feet...? Boy was I embarrassed… & soaked in mud.
Irene thought it was hysterical... So I chased her & tried to rub mud on her. She took photos & threatened to blackmail me by saying she’d post them on line... She said it’s -a “Jack Moment” come -back to “bite me in the ass”... It’s a line I coined... it's- “cousin” to the “Kodak Moment”... It’s when I make-someone... usually a chic... turn 3…or more… shades of magenta.... (3’s my lucky, #)...

I did it to an ex publicly... It was payback for leaving me before mid-terms & having my book. So I couldn’t study....We were debating about gays. I said they're sick. And any guy wanting to see all of me…desperately needs shock therapy...I don't even want to see it...I shower in the dark…
She laughed & said she didn't blame me...if she were me she would too...I'm not very pretty when dressed.

So I asked if she wanted to know a secret…just between us…Still laughing…rather, smugly…obviously quite, pleased with herself… she asked what?

I publicly, announced there was a time…not long ago… when you thought I was rather, pretty…enough to hug & kiss…amongst several other things... while wearing nothing...but contacts...!

Boy...that was a “Jack Moment”...! We'll never, ever forget it…as long as we live...! I had no clue a person could turn so many shades of magenta, pink & purple. She turned them all...three times! (I told you it’s my lucky, #).
Anyway, we split into couples & Irene rode back with me…We were laughing over my "rescue" & she said we had such fun & she didn't want it to end. I’m on a "lucky" streak…& should keep it going at Atlantic City. I agreed
So we went to my house. I showered & changed.

Irene wanted to drive. But proving once again macho’s incurable, & some guys never learn I drove. (Luckily, I knew the way this time). Hey, at least I have “stones” Many guys “swap” their jeans for a dress long before they say I do.
When dating their gals say jump & they do. After marriage guys ask how high & change their last names. Husbands go to baby showers, dept. stores & restaurants have diaper changing tables in the men’s room, for God’s sake! What the Hell’s the world coming to? Before you know we’ll pee sitting. Guys say they’re happy & omit that their wives telling them they are. And they better say so or what’s left of their manhood will hang- from their rear view mirrors. Then clipped to their wives’ key chains, taken to work to show all the girls and help groom the single ones for marriage.

“Luckily”, I have my kid, sister, Ann. She a typical woman: “little general”: suggests what & when I do, eat, feel, say, think & wear. Sometimes I salute her when she gives me orders. If she sees me on- line, late she says go to bed. She thinks she’s my big, sister. It’s a “miracle” I got this far without her. Lucky I have her to think for me now. It was a job & ½ backing her down from orders. I face “The Wrath of Khan”, for calling- her-a soccer-mom, asking her if she wants to carve a slot in back of my head for her hand, install a pull string for when she wants me to talk & writing-a hilarious, parody about her-suggestions. I posted on a Google Blog under a pen name: mrmitch06 She’s-not amused over it & denied trying to prep me for marriage & fix me. I asked if my girlfriends didn’t do it with love & sex how- will- she?

Anyway, we got to AC & strolled around. Irene's some dancer, so we whirled around the floor. Before we knew it two-hours "flew"-by & I felt like gambling. We're here already I told myself. How can you come here & not gamble, I asked her? Since we're by the roulette table it seemed like as good a place as any to start.
Before I knew it I blew 75 bucks!...I still had a $25 chip left…And was determined to go home either rich or –broke…nothing in between! No guts, no glory! It’s another single guy thing. To married men it’s a faint memory.

After seeing me lose 75 bucks and now about to blow my last 25…Irene said I'm a typical guy...with more macho than brains...Then she picked up the chip and walked away.

The casino was crowded. But I didn't care...I wasn't going to let a little thing like that stop me from hitting the jackpot. At that moment the wheel stopped...I won't say where...I'll let you guess.... I will say we hit my “Jack Pot” later…
And when all was said and done, it was a day we'll never forget...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

German Gov't. Unveils secret Nazi files to 60 Minutes

Whether you pass this on or not the youtube videos are fascinating.

This story was aired on CBS' "60 MINUTES" about a long-secret German archive that houses a treasure trove of information on victims of the Holocaust. The archive, located in the German town of Bad Arolsen, is massive (there are 16 miles of shelving containing 50 million pages of documents) and until recently, was off-limits to the public.

After the German government agreed earlier this year to open the archives, CBS News' Scott Pelley traveled there with three Jewish survivors who were able to see their own Holocaust records. It's an incredibly moving piece, all the more poignant in the wake of the meeting of Holocaust deniers.

Notwithstanding Iran and the other denial speeches in the UN, we're trying to get word out about the story to people who may have a special interest in this subject.
It is now more than 60 years after WWII in Europe ended.

This is a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russia peoples looking the other way! Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be "a myth," it is imperative to make sure the world never, ever forgets.

A recreation of the CBS program can be found on You Tube. Here are the links to "CBS Holocaust, Parts 1 & 2"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9cet2_LoJQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g63zTkDsxfM&feature=related

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Pop's Little Angels

My Pop: The Bird Whisperer and his Little Angels (updated) 11/11/09- By M. Asinoff
I teased my- pop about “suing” Hollywood for “royalties”: he “inspired” the movie “Grumpy Old Men”. He was grumpy “long” before he was old. I suspect he was “born grumpy”. Despite that he had a philosophy on the “joys” of children: “pity” our neighbor & others like them…they’re childless.
His “heart went out” to them, or so he said. I didn't believe him. He “pities” them because they looked so young & happy. They had no clue what they “missed” not having kids. There’s no “joy” like waiting for me to stroll- in…at 3 A.M.
Who needs a tan, or-vacation when you can spend your money & time on your kids, pop- half -jokingly, asked our neighbor. The “selfishness” of never having to sacrifice for the sake of the kids can be “heartbreak”. He had “no –clue” how they “endured” the “agony” of not having to worry about what the kids are doing to the house when they’re away. To him everyone deserves kids (I’ve -no- doubt misery -loves -company). They “must” experience the fights over disciplining, not to mention the “fun” of waiting for a baby sitter…who- never showed.
The early years were “pure joy”, he said. Being awoken at 2 a.m. by a crying baby or having to run to the E.R. is surely “Divine Retribution”. They’ll never know the “glimmering, glistening”-smile of me wearing two grand in braces. He “didn't really want “a new car. Walking is good for your health & the environment. Plus there’s nothing like-the sound of little "monsters" running & screaming at a party. “No” one should miss it.
Ma’s evening updates were “dinner conservation”. Indigestion: a “bonus.” I “saved him $ & calories on desert, helping earn my keep”. These are the “little joys” of parenthood. You’ve “no-clue” what you’re “missing”, pop told the young, happy, neighbor.
You should’ve seen the “tear well up in the corner of his eye & slowly run down his- cheek” as he told- them- the- ”joy” he felt when my evil, dense, brother, “Guido” married a childish, “cement head.” They were dumb & dumber. One- day they & pop were discussing her marriage troubles & he said “something's rotten in Denmark.” Guido responded with a blank stare, then- asked, "What’s Denmark have- to- do with- this?" I–nearly wet myself & LOL so hard I sobbed! You cannot make this stuff up. Truth’s funnier than fiction in both meanings!
Pop said with three boys, & a girl, the most joy by far he got was from beloved “Chickens” (Parakeets)! They’re his pals. He truly, loved them for a generation & often said they don’t open big mouths, like “Guido”& I.
His love for animals was innate: as a kid, Spot, the family dog instinctively knew pop would care for him. Pop said he awoke extra early to walk Spot, cut & washed Spot’s hair. After four years away in Europe & Africa in WW II, pop returned- home. Spot instantly recalled & greeted pop with love & affection.
When ma was dating pop Spot put his head on her knee @ dinner seeking food. She feared him, unfortunately.
Pop’s love of birds began in Sept, 1976 when our neighbor & family, friend, Danny moved to Florida & gave us his parakeet, Birdie. We called him Mr. Pitzy (Yiddish for little one). After a few months we got him a wife & named her Mrs. Pitzy. She soon became pop’s favorite “daughter / grand” bird & regularly got tummy rubs in exchange for a chirp. He loved it as much as her. The rest as they say is history.
Interestingly, opposites really do attract: ma disliked & feared animals. Yet in a rare moment she was talking to Little-Cousin when she jumped up on ma’s head & looked around, as if on top of the world. I ran for a camera and took a picture. It vanished. Luckily, it surfaced…after- ma passed. It’s a memory I’ll cherish for life. It, along-with–several-photos- are-on- Face book as it just “begs” to be shared with the world.
Pop loved them enough for him & ma. They brought out a softer side no-one-knew of. If one of the- family called pop he’d usually grumble what do you want? Don’t bother me. I mimic him for them & ask them can you say too?
A chirpy from his little angels was nature’s music & “magically and miraculously transformed” him from “Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll”. He was shy & quiet out of the house, aside from our best friends & next door neighbor, Al, RIP & his son, Mike (the fourth son my folks always wanted, but never had). Mike had me OTFLOL by recalling pop as a gentle, giant. Sharon, a dearly, departed, cousin & neighbor said pop was soft on the inside. I asked if she’s sane.
I “had to occasionally remind” - pop I'm his “favorite” son, but he still “forgot”. Every time I asked him who's- your- favorite son, his first response was always Fritzky. He was pop’s #1, favorite “son” partially because he was blue & a gift from Rob, a colleague who joined the Army. He truly loved & trained Fritzky. So ensuring he had a loving home was vital. I had no clue I’d have to “reminded” pop… daily…for years that I'm his “favorite” son, not Fritzky as I’m the youngest & he saved the “best“- for –last…
I told my eldest brother, Howard this & pop’s getting “Alzheimer’s”: I “must remind” him Fritzky’s gone. And I'm his “favorite son”. Howard griped, "What do I say? I'm on the bottom of the “totem –pole:” I compete with Fritzky, our evil, brother, “Guido”, a not so merry ex mailman & you. Be glad you're only third on the list. Don't complain until you had the very ‘distinct & unique pleasure of being last!” It just goes to show you, just when you think your life stinks, there is always someone just a bit worse –off.
Most birds are caged 24/7. That’s cruel: God gave them wings to fly. A cage’s a house, not a jail cell. Their house’s a Parrot Cage my sister, Adrienne gave us her with three birds, years ago. That made five. Pop had room in his heart for a dozen They-flew all over the level, called each other from various rooms & figured out to sneak-out between the bars on day one. He said they line up @ attention, little heads high & chests out waiting for him & breakfast like school kids. So I joked, Pitzy “Kindergarten 101”, with “Mr”. Pop. They looked & chirped as I said time for school: get dressed, wash your face, brush your teeth, comb your hair, tie-your shoes & take out your H.W. If you-didn’t- do-it you get a dunce cap. Save excuses like you lack arms, teeth, clothes, shoes, can’t read or write, etc. I added, today’s spelling word is pop & spelled it. Say it & you’ll be promoted, I whispered. They-looked, tilted their little, heads & chirped as if comprehending.
As usual pop grumbled: I’m wasting- my- breath, they’ll- never- say it. I replied you taught my evil, brother, “Guido”. Miracles happen. “Lightning- can- strike– twice”. I debated if Guido can read the letters, or sign his check. Everyone, except my folks, lol because blue was royal to them.
I meet many Born Again Christians who try me to “flip” me, say Jesus loves me & my pets. I suspect He just likes me a lot, tell all my birds He-loves them & they “…have a friend in Jesus…. “(Norm Rosenbaum) That’s - why- they have a long, “Life- of -Reilly.” On Fridays & Saturdays I say Shabbat Shalom (Hebrew for peaceful Sabbath). I also placed a Jewish calendar next to their coupe for fun to “teach” them the day, date & holidays. I review & spell the month, day & date for them daily. They chirp & watch me shave. I tell them they’re too young to. When they grow up I’ll teach them.
During a blizzard I teased pop they want to be snow birds & play in the snow. He laughed & said, “That’ll-be the end of them.” I told them put on a coat, hat & boots if they want to go out. They looked @ me & chirped as they did no matter what we said to them because they know they are absolutely, adored
Adrienne felt exempt because she’s the only gal and Fritzky was a boy. So since we were bird less one father’s day I got pop a girl and named her Little Buddy. I thought she was sleeping at first. For weeks she just ate and slept. Returning- her meant death. At first pop grumbled she’s sickly. Then God and pop’s love rejuvenated her to exceptional, energy and a great appetite. Soon she was pop’s sole joy. He adored her. She was his new “daughter / grand” bird and profoundly, pampered, parakeet like all the others before and after.
Buddy was smart too: gave the cage the “evil eye” & called us to open it. So she can eat, drink & kiss the-mirror. What lungs! We heard her loud & clear across the level & downstairs. If that didn’t wake me she grabbed banged a wood towel rack against the wall. She knew my room was next door & I’d open her coupe. So she often woke me.
They sat on pop’s finger as he lovingly spoke Yinglish. He swore they understood when they tilted- their heads & looked him in the eye. They were tucked in every night. When sick, they got a heat lamp & medicine. Blue Bell had the runs stuck to his feathers. So we cleaned him. Pop gave them fresh water & food daily. I joked- they & the seeds are “Kosher”. When- they passed we buried them in back. I still talk to them in Yinglish. Unfortunately they can’t chirp anymore.
Fritzky and Whitey had a summer and winter home. Pop made Buddy a “wading pool” (car wax cover) because they were his favorite “daughters/grand” birds, too. He’d remove his glasses & asked them if they know him. They looked intently because they know his voice, yet he was different. Fritzky flew to pop, climbed down his arm, looked up, tilted his head & chirped as pop talked to him. One time pop had coins in his hand & Fritzky began tossing them. It became a regular trick. He was nicknamed the “barber” because he sat on pop’s shoulder & pulled hair. When watching TV pop asked if he liked the show or, wanted a different channel, one- chirp- for- yes & two for- no. They looked @ pop & chirped because they knew he was lovingly, talking to them.
Feeding- them was joy for pop: he was greeted by a chorus of chirps …in stereo. They looked at him, he smiled & said, “Hi sweetie, yes- honey. Hello. Are-you- talking to me? Yes. What -are u trying to tell me? Ooh, you’re all excited. Yes, honey, talk-to-me, sweetheart.” Pop retired, and loved to talk to his “pals” a few times a day, every day. They were the only thing that made him smile.
Buddy kissed pop’s nose & “trained” him: heard him coming, chirped & flew to the hall like a child seeking dad’s attention. It worked every time! She relished pop’s love. To swim she looked at pop, chirped & flew to the counter. He filled her “wading pool”. She sat on the inner shower door, chirping for the echo, made us laugh by poking her head around the corner when pop called & enjoyed his door rides. She looked all around. One winter he heated a three story house for her. In summer she got cold, water 3X a day. He put fresh seeds atop a bed of shells. Buddy lived & played in a big, bathroom with a “see saw” (dr.’s scale). Pop asked how much she weighed. She chirped & flew to him for attention. One night Buddy wouldn’t go to bed. I told her in Yiddish I’d get-pop, he’d yell & spank her. She looked me in the eye, like a defiant kid. I called pop. She went in. We-LOL -the-next-day. He told her in Yinglish go to bed or else. His tone said he’s mad. She knew, chirped & flew-to his shoulder like a little girl “wrapping daddy around her- little-finger”, to avoid scolding. Buddy also laid many eggs. Despite begging in Yiddish to sit on them she would not sit on them. She- just chirped & flew to me. Adrienne joked, use French. It’s the language of love. Pop & I would’ve learned a few words if it would’ve helped.
Adrienne gave us a widower I named Sunny Boy. Pop hoped for “grand” birds for his and Buddy’s birthdays. Unfortunately, we didn’t get any because he was neurotic from a “traumatic childhood”. It took years to get him from fear to indifference because no one ever loved him. All he got was food and water. Every living thing needs love.

Seeing pop, a grumpy, old, truck mechanic melt over a little bird was comical and cinematic. He was a bird “whisperer.” “Grand” birds would’ve done “mission impossible”: made pop truly, happy. He liked watching them play because they have personalities: Mr. & Mrs. Pitzy used to watch TV in the living room in the evening with pop. When they wanted to go to bed they flew to the bottom of the stairs, hovered and called for pop to put on the light. When he did, they flew up and hung on a door ledge till pop came up and put on a light in their room. Then they flew into their house. Since they’re small you often can’t see them when you pop in to check on them. Pop joked, a pet he must look for. I say calling all angels. In- summer: screens permit them to hear & “talk” to birds out side. Sometimes they hang on the screen & “chat” with “pals’ on the window ledge.

They- hang upside down, like Bats. Buddy crawled in the shower door track to peck @ reflections for hours and turned her body around. She was double jointed. When I called her she turned and looked @ me as if to say yes. Some sit on the edge of their house and look out like it’s a “front porch”, play, run and “Kamikaze” dive. They love the sound of running water. When I shower they run across the track chirping “up a storm”, looking at & talking to me.

Pop laughed when Houdini would swing because he poked Little Cousin in the head with his tail. I sing rock a bye (whichever angel we had @ the time)… They climbed, jumped & slid (sometimes involuntarily & slowly while looking around in bewilderment) like firemen, gymnasts & acrobats. Fritzky flew to and from the mirror on ma’s dresser to his room, next door & called his reflection. He thought it was another bird. It was always there, yet didn’t follow him. We lol when they run because it’s sideways.

We couldn’t think of a name for one bird. So we called her No Name. Her room was next to mine. So if I was on the computer or phone she’d hear me and chirp. If I called her she’d come in and sit on top of the computer, look @ me and chirp while I spoke to her in Yinglish. She loved the attention. If pop came in and called her she’d call him to let him know her local and go to him if he was in her room or walked into mine. He’d talk to her and she chirped away quite loudly and happily

Like Whitey, RIP, Sunny’s meek, whereas- Buddy’s- a- bully. They had a ritual: fly to opposite ends of the room and call each other. She chased / cornered him, he squawked and they kissed. It was like a movie. When she bullied him I exclaimed, Little Buddy Asinoff! She halted and looked at me. I added, I’m watching- u! So is pop! We love you. And want-you to behave or you’ll get potch in tuchas (spanking). Then I use the peace sign and motion from my eyes to her or wag my finger. Her look said she knew she must “chill” Sometimes I made her bust for biting: grounded: put in a small cage she can’t escape for a day. She lived and loved to run, jump and play, all day, every day. They all do to varying degrees.

The parts about Fritzky, Buddy and my kin are true. Pop said, “If-u knew Fritzky like I did you’d understand me.” I say if you knew pop like I did, you’d understand me. Sometimes pop and I were-watching TV and the public service announcement came on: it’s-10 pm. Do you know where your children are? I’d joke: we’ll do u know where your chickens are? He’d do something very rare: smile. Then say “fashlufen in huse” (asleep in their house).

Adrienne said they look like little angels. That’s when I suddenly realized what I’ve known for a generation: they’re –pop’s angels! I told Sunny in Yinglish, daily. I also tell them they’re angels because they have wings & “sing” nature’s music. And performed a miracle equal to Moses’: made pop happy…for a generation. If I wasn’t an eye & ear witness I’d never believe- it.







For music appreciation class I sing to them in English, The Beatles I love-you eight days a week, Love me too & Shake it up, baby, now. Twist & shout. & Good Day, Sunshine. We do The Penguins’ Earth Angel, Curtis Lee’s Pretty-Little-Angel-Eyes, Taveres’ Heaven must be missing an Angel cause- you’re here with me right now. When they zoom out of the coupe I say Meatloaf’s bat out of hell. They like …you’re once, twice, three times a lady… by The Commodores. Charlie Prides Did u see the most beautiful girl in the world...evokes chirps. When they move to music I say you should be dancing… (The Bee- Gees). If one’s scared I do War’s Why can’t we be friends. Sometimes I do Sister Sledge: We are family. Sing it to me… When they run I sing K.C & The Sunshine Band: Get down. Get down. Get down, tonight, baby… We appreciate The Partridge Family’s Oh, I think I love you. The Archies’ Sugar, Sugar is- good too. Debbie Boone’s a hit with U light up my life. We sing -The Doors’ Hello, I love you. Won’t -you tell me your name. When they chirp I-ask,-”Oh, who can it be now?... (Men @ Work. Since Jews are all about guilt if they misbehave I say don’t go breaking by Neil Sedaka. If they won’t sit on my finger I say don’t make a grown, man cry…by the Stones. If that’s futile I sing “Don’t you want me, baby?” by Human League. Sometimes I parody Mike Myers’ Saturday Night Live Coffee Talk & tell them talk amongst your selves. I’m all farclempt (choked up). G. Harrison’s good too: “Here comes the sun...” John Denver’s “Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy…” is a good way to start the day. If they’re chirping up a storm with the birds out side I sing the Pointer Sisters: “I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it! I’m about to lose control! And I think I like it...!” For religious instruction we sing The Byrds: “To everything there is a season. To everything there’s a purpose, a time to be born, a time to die. A time to laugh, a time to- cry. A time to love…” I like Kojak. So I ask who loves u, baby? Sometimes I bark, meow or chirp for them. They love it & chirp away.

Every - morning I open the coupe & say Juice Newton said u -are an Angel in the morning. Then I ring the “school” bell, say pledge allegiance to the flag & “sing” God bless America with Kate Smith, & I’m proud to be an American with Lee Greenwood. I do my Mr. Rogers’ impression too: “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood….”
At Christmas we “sing” carols because we’re Jewish for kicks & to help them be multi cultural. So they know our culture we also do The Broflovski’s “Dreidel Dreidel, Dreidel. Stand -tall by Burton Cummings is well liked too. Since they- don’t have- hands. I say if you are happy & you know it make a chirpy. If you are happy & you know it & you really want to show it make a chirpy.
For cultural influence I play ma’s Jewish music: The Bowery Sisters, Mickey Kat’s (Joel Grey’s dad) parodies, hava nakela hava & My Yiddisha Mama, etc. It’s the only way they can get to know her a bit. I won’t tell them she didn’t love their ancestors as pop did.

When I called pop from work to check on him I always asked nu, vus halsta mit da pitzlah? (Well, how are the birds)? I could hear the joy in his voice when he said, good. After CSI became a hit I’d ask them who are you? When the phone rang pop joked, phone call for (whatever bird we had). Crazy little thing called love by Queen is good for dance class. Stevie Wonder said it all: “I just called to say I love you. They’re the 3 most beautiful words you’ll ever hear. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart… ” We also do Isn’t she lovely, by him. I‘d tell them that. They stare intently @ me when I do Brady Bunch Parodies. They chirp, joyfully…in stereo to John Mayer: Say what you need- to say. Luckily, they’re tone deaf & “sing” along. I tell them pop & all the Pitzy lovers in Heaven are listening & if they make pop a zati (grandpa) we’ll name it for him. They look at me & chirp, as usual.
Doubt anything? Want more detail or humor? Ask pop- yourself…when -you get -to Heaven. He’ll be in the animal lovers’ section. People say there’s no such thing. When I ask who told them they hush. Pop, his angels and all the pitzy lovers are smiling down upon me because I gave pop years of joy by bringing Fritzky & Little Buddy into his life & took such good care of pop & his little angels.

When you find it ask for Mr. Pop. Do not be surprised if he’s grumpy & says what do you want? Don’t bother me! Say you heard he’s Fritzky’s pop. That’ll flip his mood instantly & make him smile wider than the Jericho Mile (7 x 7).
I often asked him to ensure his coherence & give him joy. His response was always, instantly, Fritzky! We didn’t know @ the- time it was his last night, & his last words to me were Fritzky was his favorite son. He was grouchy in my dreams when he was here & hasn’t changed since leaving.
After pop went Buddy ran away. After searching the house & calling her she chirped. I found her sitting on pop’s desk, in the dark, staring at his chair, as if awaiting his return. She sensed the loss on some level as they were so close.
I put her to bed, & very sweetly, said pop loves you from Heaven, wants- you- to- behave & go-to-bed where it’s safe. She looked as if she understood, went to bed & stopped running away. I put his photo by the coupe for fun & said pop wants you to be gootinga clana madlle (good little gal) & is watching you from Heaven & earth, ok? She looked at me & chirped.
Some people say they talk. I never saw it. They’re messy. I told pop clana pitzlah, graca shmutz. (small, birds, big mess). He agreed, but didn’t mind because they were his little angels. And he really loved them from the bottom of his heart. I suggested getting a hunt (dog). Pop said he wouldn’t pick up after a dog. He changed diapers for four kids. That was it. He’s gone, but his legacy lives. I put an earlier copy of this & bird pictures on his heart as that’s where- his angels “live” forever. And swear he smiled when I said their names & tell Fritzky I said hi. If he could’ve pop would’ve made his angels heirs. Although we never discussed it I promised him I’d take good care of them because he loved them so.
So I tuck them in every night, say pop loves & you spend- a fortune keeping them warm in winter. After the last heating bill I lined their coupe with the help wanted ads. When a week passed it was apparent they didn’t get the message. So I said it’s time to start earning your keep. Seek a job acting or modeling. If you don’t find anything apply for unemployment. If denied apply for disability: you re too small to be a carrier pigeon. I asked my accountant about deducting them as dependents on my taxes. He -lol. My –reward for caring for them? Every day: they greet me with chirps…in stereo. I’ll name my next birds Prince, and Princess cause they they’re pampered like royalty.

Unfortunately shortly after pop went Buddy followed from complications due to a difficulty pregnancy. Sunny was very depressed for weeks. He wouldn’t come out, much less chirp. I talked to him daily to comfort. He just sat & looked at me. He was a widower twice.
So I adopted a young, girl & “sang” Cupid, draw back your bow with Sam Cooke. I then followed the Eastern, European, Jewish tradition of naming after dearly, departed. So I call her Baby Ida for my pop, Isidore & his ma, my beloved, Buby Ida. I was her favorite. And talk to her & pop’s photos & the birds whenever I’m on the computer. I took over pop’s desk & moved my computer down the hall to it. But still talk to the birds day & night…in Yinglish I like Groucho Marx, RIP. & “You Bet Your Life.” So- I say the secret word & split a treat. The word’s pop. They chirp.

Sunny is happy although Ida bullies him, as Buddy, RIP did. I beg & plead with them in Yinglish to say pop & make an old, grouch in Heaven happy with a baby Fritzky & 17 others, including a baby Isie. (18 = luck to Jews) They look as if they understand & chirp, but haven’t made any babies.
She chirps up a storm daily & Sunny Boy joins in. He’s so happy with his third wife & back to his old self. Unfortunately, she bullies him too. If I catch her I say Baby Ida Asinoff! I’m watching you! So is pop! Then I motion with my fingers to & from my eyes & add behave or you’ll get gahockta sorus (big trouble)! She halts & looks at me. She knows she’s bad & must “cool it.” Unfortunately, she caught some of Sunny Boy’s neurosis. I try easing her fears with love, daily although it seems futile.
Unfortunately, Sunny Boy passed unexpectedly & Baby Ida was depressed. I put pictures of pop & buby by her house for fun. Then told her who they are, I adopted & named her for them. She was sad so I adopted a boy. Howard & I named him Little Joe for pop’s dad. They’re more in love than any birds I had & cuddle all the time. Unfortunately, they’re also the dumbest & most neurotic. They don’t know how to sneak out between the bars & won’t give me a drop of attention or affection. I told them they must ga shlufen in huse when finsta, nit vana or cokteple (go home not the tub or bathroom when dark) & grounded them for a weekend. They got that message. I praise them for it every night when I tuck then in.

Joe sits on my finger for a second @ best, looks @ Ida & runs to her. They kiss, run, play, run, groom each other, stretch their wings, etc. daily. When they have lovers’ quarrel Ida sits @ opposite ends of the room & squawks. So- I “sing” “Oh, you’ve lost that loving feeling. Oh, it’s gone, gone, gone… ” I wink @ Ida & ask is Donna Summer’s right: Bad Girls….Then add The Star Land Vocal Band’s right: “Why wait until the middle of a cold, dark, night? Have some afternoon delight…” That’s compounded by The Carpenters: “”Rainy days a Monday always get me down… I ask Joe if Elvis is right: “She’s a hunk a hunk a burning love…” Chirping’s tiring. So they “nap” every afternoon like small kids.
I told him I want to be a fetta (uncle) to a baby Fritzky and Buddy. He just looks @ me. Every morning I greet & ask them to make pop a zati (grandpa) & bubby a great bubby in Heaven. Then I say school’s- in with Professor Mitch, your #1, favorite, brother & ask them to say / spell bubby, Heaven, Fritzky, Little Buddy, Houdini, Mr. & Mrs. Pitzie, pop, Little Cousin, Mitch, Blue Bell, Baby Ida, cloud, brother, bird, Life of Reilly, racketeer, earth, aristocrat, royalty, wings, America & love. When they sit on the scale I ask each how much they weigh. Then ask how much they are combined? How many ounces are in a pound? Then say deduct their individual & combined weight from a pound. On Tuesday they get a spelling pretest. Friday’s the exam. Pop’s always a word. They chirp & look me in the eye if they get it & are answering. Every mLook at Israel Exchange Traded Funds:orning I say get out your homework. I want to see it. If you didn’t do it you get a dunce cap. Every afternoon I say school’s- out, do your homework. I also talk to all my birds in Yinglish daily because I’m trying to make them truly multicultural, & I’m a bird “whisperer” too.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Best & Worst Used Cars

Tips & Advice
Provided by:
Best and worst used cars
March 2009

The most reliable models and the ones to avoid

Consumer Reports has no relationship with any advertisers on Yahoo!.
Value-minded consumers know that buying a reliable used car is often the best choice but that finding one takes research. Here we identify the proven Best of the Best in nine categories. They're vehicles with multiple years of above-average reliability, covering 1999 through 2008, that scored well in our tests when new.

Toyota and Honda vehicles dominated the majority of the nine categories, demonstrating consistent reliability and performance. But some recent domestic models are also worthy choices, including the Buick Lucerne (V8), Ford Fusion, and Mercury Milan.

Reliability data are derived from our Annual Auto Survey, which generated responses about more than 1.4 million new and used vehicles. The Best of the best and Worst of the worst are based on our larger lists of Reliable used cars and Used cars to avoid (both available to subscribers). These comprehensive lists give you a rundown of all the models that were found, from our data, to be above or below average in reliability. Owners reported on any serious problems they had had with their cars, minivans, SUVs, and pickup trucks in the previous year. For advice on shopping for a used car, see our used car buying guide.

To minimize the risks, look for vehicles that have proved to be reliable. The following lists of models from 1999 through 2008 will steer you to the gems (and away from the duds) among the thousands of used vehicles on the market.

Honda Civic
Honda Civic

The Honda Civic is reliable, economical, and fun to drive. It grew with the 2001 redesign, and 2003 saw the introduction of the Hybrid model. The 2006 redesign included standard antilock brakes (ABS), curtain air bags, and a better ride. An alternative with more cargo room is the Scion xB, which also has standard electronic stability control.

Other good choices:
• Toyota Echo
• Scion xB
• Toyota Corolla
• Toyota Matrix
• Pontiac Vibe
• Mazda3
• Mazda Protege
• Subaru Impreza


Family cars
Honda Accord

The Accord has been a very reliable used-car choice. The 2003 redesign made it quieter and more agile, and it received standard ABS. Standard ESC arrived on V6 models in 2006 and on all models with the 2008 redesign. The Ford Fusion and Mercury Milan have very good reliability, tested well, and are very affordable.

Other good choices:
• Toyota Prius
• Ford Fusion
• Mercury Milan
• Toyota Camry (except '08 V6)
• Subaru Outback (6-cyl.)
• Nissan Altima

Upscale cars
Lexus ES

The ES has been very reliable through its many generations. This quiet and comfortable sedan was redesigned in 1997 and 2002 but got a stronger, more fuel-efficient engine in 2004. ESC became standard in 2007. The Acura TL and TSX are sportier alternatives.

Other good choices:
• Lexus IS
• Toyota Avalon
• Acura TSX
• Lincoln MKZ, Zephyr (FWD)
• Infiniti G20
• Acura TL
• Infiniti I30, I35
• Infiniti G35 (sedan)
• Volvo S60
• Buick Lucerne (V8)
• Nissan Maxima

Luxury cars
Infiniti M35

Since 2003 the M has been a reliable model, but the 2006 redesign made it comfortable when cruising the highway and on twisty roads. The V6 is strong, and the interior is well finished. The Lexus LS is a more luxurious choice.

Other good choices

• Lexus LS
• Lexus GS (6-cyl., RWD)
• Acura RL

Sports and sporty cars
Mazda Miata

The slick shifter, nimble handling, and good performance make the affordable and reliable Miata fun to drive. ABS became standard with the 2006 redesign; look for the optional ABS on older models. A practical alternative is the Subaru WRX, which gives great performance along with standard AWD and four doors.

Other good choices
• Lexus SC
• Honda S2000
• Toyota Camry Solara
• Acura RSX
• Toyota Celica
• Scion tC
• BMW Z3, Z4
• Acura Integra
• Porsche Boxster
• BMW M3
• Subaru Impreza WRX/STi
• Ford Mustang (V6)
• Nissan 350Z

Minivans
Toyota Sienna

Toyota's first-generation Sienna is refined, but the third-row accommodations are snug. In 2003 a redesigned Sienna went on sale. It is roomier and more powerful, and it's available with AWD. Reliability has been very good overall. The Honda Odyssey isn't as plush but has better handling.

Another good choice:
•Honda Odyssey
Small SUVs
Toyota RAV4

Introduced in 1996, the RAV4 was the first car-based SUV. It was agile and comfortable but small and underpowered. The 2001 redesign brought more power and a roomier interior. ESC arrived in 2004. For 2006 Toyota added an available third row. Throughout its life the RAV4 has had stellar reliability.

Other good choices:
• Honda CR-V
• Subaru Forester
• Mitsubishi Outlander

Midsized and large SUVs
Honda Pilot

Introduced in 2003, the Pilot is roomier than its MDX sibling and less expensive. It's roomy and refined, delivers good fuel economy, and has flexible seating for eight. Crash-test results are impressive, and reliability has been excellent. The Toyota Highlander is a good choice with an optional third-row seat.

Other good choices:
• Toyota Highlander
• Lexus RX
• Toyota Land Cruiser
• Toyota 4Runner
• Infiniti FX35
• Acura MDX
• Infiniti QX4
• Lexus GX
• Hyundai Santa Fe
• Subaru Tribeca
• Nissan Xterra ('05-08)
• Toyota Sequoia

Pickup trucks
Honda Ridgeline

Honda's pickup rides and handles like a sedan but delivers the utility of a truck. The V6 engine is smooth and responsive, and the cabin is nicely detailed and easy to access. The in-bed, weather-tight, and lockable trunk is a plus. Opt for the Tundra if you need more towing or off-roading capability.
Other good choices:

• Toyota Tacoma ('05-08)
• Toyota Tundra
• Subaru Baja
• Nissan Frontier ('05-08)

Worst of the worst

These have multiple years of much-worse-than-average reliability among 1999 to 2008 models. Listed alphabetically.

Audi A6 Allroad
Audi A8
BMW X5 (V8)
Buick Rendezvous (AWD)
Cadillac SRX
Chevrolet Blazer
Chevrolet Colorado (4WD)
Chevrolet S-10 (4WD)
Chevrolet Uplander
Chevrolet Venture
Chrysler Pacifica
Chrysler Sebring convertible
Chrysler Town & Country (AWD)
Dodge Grand Caravan (AWD)
GMC Canyon (4WD)
GMC Jimmy
GMC S-15 Sonoma (4WD) Jeep Grand Cherokee
Kia Sedona
Land Rover Discovery, LR3
Mazda RX-8
Oldsmobile Bravada
Oldsmobile Silhouette
Pontiac Aztek
Pontiac G6 (V6)
Pontiac Montana, Montana SV6
Porsche Cayenne
Saturn Relay
Volkswagen Cabrio
Volkswagen Jetta (V6)
Volkswagen New Beetle (turbo)
Volkswagen Passat (V6, FWD)
Volkswagen Touareg
Volvo XC90 (6-cyl.)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

How Cap and Trade will Work (or not).

In just a few minutes you'll clearly see the writing-on-the-wall as to how Cap-n-Trade will work (or not!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 31,2009, the once largest aluminum plant in the world will shut down. With it goes another American industry and more American jobs. The Columbia Falls Aluminum Company in Montana will shut down its aluminum production because it cannot purchase the necessary electrical power to continue its operations.

How did this happen in America? America was once the envy of the world in its industrial capability. America's industrial capacity built America into the most productive nation the world had ever known. Its standard of living rose to levels never before accomplished. Its currency became valuable and powerful, allowing Americans to purchase imported goods at relatively cheap prices.

America grew because of innovation and hard work by the pioneers of the industrial revolution, and because America has vast natural resources. A great economy, as America once was, is founded on the ability to produce electrical energy at low cost. This ability has been extinguished. Why?

Columbia Falls Aluminum negotiated a contract with Bonneville Power Administration in 2006 for Bonneville to supply electrical power until September 30, 2011. But, responding to lawsuits, the 9th US Circuit Court ruled the contract was invalid because it was incompatible with the Northwest Power Act. Therefore, the combination of the Northwest Power Act and a US Circuit Court were the final villains that caused the shutdown of Columbia Falls Aluminum.

But the real reasons are much more complicated. Why was it not possible for Columbia Falls Aluminum to find sources of electricity other than Bonneville?

We need to look no further than the many environmental groups like the Sierra Club and to America's elected officials who turned their backs on American citizens and in essence themselves, for they too are citizens of this country. These officials bought into the green agenda promoted by the heavily funded environmental groups. Caving to pressure, they passed laws and the environmental groups filed lawsuits that began turning off the lights in America. The dominos started to fall.

They began stopping nuclear power plants in the 1970's. They locked up much of our coal and oil resources with land laws. They passed tax credits, which forces taxpayers to foot the bill for billionaire investors to save taxes by investing in less productive wind and solar energy projects.

In 1988, the Environmental Protection Agency called a meeting of atmospheric scientists and others with environmental interests. I remember well the meeting I attended in the San Francisco Bay Area. The meeting was in a theater-like lecture room with the seating curved to face the center stage and rising rapidly toward the back of the room. Attending were many atmospheric scientists whom I knew from Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, Stanford Research Institute and some local colleges.

The room became silent when a man walked up to the lectern. He told us that the next big national problem was global warming. He explained how human carbon dioxide emissions were trapping the earth's radiation like a greenhouse and causing the atmosphere to heat beyond its normal temperature. He said this will lead to environmental disasters. He finished by saying the EPA will now concentrate its research funding toward quantifying the disasters that would be caused by our carbon dioxide.

The room was silent. I was the first to raise my hand to ask a question, "How can you defend your global warming hypothesis when you have omitted the effects of clouds which affect heat balance far more than carbon dioxide, and when your hypothesis contradicts the paper by Lee * in the Journal of Applied Meteorology in 1973 that shows the atmosphere does not behave like a greenhouse?"

He answered me by saying, "You do not know what you are talking about. I know more about how the atmosphere works than you do."

Not being one to drop out of a fight, I responded, "I know many of the atmospheric scientists in this room, and many others who are not present but I do not know you. What is your background and what makes you know so much more than me?"

He answered, "I know more than you because I am a lawyer and I work for the EPA."

After the meeting, many of my atmospheric science friends who worked for public agencies thanked me for what I said, saying they would have liked to say the same thing but they feared for their jobs.

And that, my dear readers, is my recollection of that great day when a lawyer, acting as a scientist, working for the federal government, announced global warming.

Fast forward to today. The federal government is spending 1,000 times more money to promote the global warming charade than is available to those scientists who are arguing against it. Never before in history has it taken a massive publicity campaign to convince the public of a scientific truth. The only reason half the public thinks global warming may be true is the massive amount of money put into global warming propaganda.

The green eco-groups have their umbilical cords in the government's tax funds. Aside from a few honest but duped scientists living on government money, the majority of the alarms about global warming - now called "climate change" because it's no longer warming - come from those who have no professional training in atmospheric science. They are the environmentalists, the ecologists, the lawyers and the politicians. They are not the reliable atmospheric scientists whom I know.

Nevertheless, our politicians have passed laws stating that carbon dioxide is bad. See California's AB32 which is based upon science fiction. (For readers who take issue with me, I will be happy to destroy your arguments in another place. In this paper, we focus on the damage to America that is being caused by those promoting the global warming fraud.)

In the year 2000, America planned 150 new coal-electric power plants. These power plants would have been "clean" by real standards but the Greens managed to have carbon dioxide defined legally as "dirty" and this new definition makes all emitters of carbon dioxide, including you, a threat to the planet. Therefore, using legal illogic, the Sierra Club stopped 82 of these planned power plants under Bush II and they expect it will be a slam dunk to stop the rest under Obama.

And now you know the real reason the Columbia Falls Aluminum Company had to shut down. America stopped building new power plants a long time ago. There is now no other source where the company can buy energy. Our energy-producing capability is in a decline and it is taking America with it.

I used to belong to the Sierra Club in the 1960's. It used to be a nice hiking club. In the late 1960's the Sierra Club began turning its attention toward stopping nuclear power. Then I quit the Sierra Club. It continues to prosper from the many subscribers who think they are supporting a good cause. What they are really supporting is the destruction of America brick by brick. The Sierra Club and similar organizations are like watermelons - green on the outside, red on the inside. They are telling us we have no right to our own natural resources, and in doing so they are sinking America.

Inherent in ecology are three assumptions: "natural" conditions are optimal, climate is fragile, and human influences are bad. Physics makes no such assumptions. By assuming climate is fragile, the global warming supporters have assumed their conclusion. In fact, the climate is not fragile. It is stable. The non-adherence to physical logic in the global warming camp is what makes many physical scientists say that global warming is a religion.

So we have a new age religion promoted by environmentalists, incorporated into our laws and brainwashed into our people that is now destroying America from the inside.

Like a vast ship, America is taking a long time to sink but each day it sinks a little further. The fearsome day awaits, when America, if not quickly recovered by its real citizens, will tilt its nose into the water to begin a rapid and final descent into oblivion ... her many resources saved for whom?

--Edwin X Berry, PhD

References:

* R. Lee: "The 'greenhouse' effect" J. Appl. Meteor. 12, 556-557 (1973)

Gerhard Gerlich and Ralf D. Tscheuschner: "Falsification of the Atmospheric CO2 Greenhouse Effects Within The Frame Of Physics," Version 4.0 (January 6, 2009)

International Journal of Modern Physics B, Vol. 23, No. 3 (2009) 275-364.

http://www.worldscinet.com/ijmpb/23/2303/S02179792092303.html

Page 37: "Lee's paper is a milestone marking the day after which every serious scientist or science educator is no longer allowed to compare the greenhouse with the atmosphere."

Bulgarian Jews Saved in WWII

A great many Jews know the story of how the Danes rescued 8K Jews from the Nazi's by smuggling them to Sweden in fishing boats.

Very few Jews, know the story of how all 50K Bulgarian Jews were saved.

Not a single Bulgarian Jew was deported to the death camps, due to the heroism of many Bulgarians of every walk of life, up to & including the King & the Patriarch of the Bulgarian Orthodox Church.

In 1999, Abraham Foxman, the National Director of the Anti Defamation League flew with a delegation to Sophia to meet the Bulgarian Prime Minister & gave him the first Bulgarian language copy of a remarkable book, "Beyond Hitler's Grasp," written in 1998, by Michael Bar Oar, a professor at Emory University. (A Bulgarian Jew who had migrated to Israel & then the US). This book documents the rescue effort in detail. The ADL paid for & shipped 30K copies to Bulgaria. So that the population could partake in the joy of learning about this heroic facet of their history.

This story is clearly the last great secret of the Holocaust era. The story was buried by the Bulgarian Communists, until their downfall in 1991.

All records were sealed, since they opposed glorifying the King, Church, or Communist parliamentarians, who at great personal risk, stood up to the Germans. And the Bulgarian Jewish Community, 45K of -whom went to Israel after the War, were- busy building new lives, & somehow the story remained untold.

Bulgaria is a small country & at the outset of the War they had 8 Million people.

They aligned themselves with the Nazi's in hopes of recapturing Macedonia from Yugoslavia & Thrace from Greece.

Both provinces were stripped from them after W.W.I. In late 1942 the Jews of Selonica were shipped north through Bulgaria, on the way to the death camps, in sealed box cars. The news of this inhumanity was a hot topic of conversation.

In early 1943, the pro Nazi Bulgarian government was informed that all 50,000 Bulgarian Jews would be deported in March. The Jews had been made to wear yellow stars & were highly visible. As the date for the deportation got closer, the agitation got greater.

43 ruling party members of Parliament walked out in protest. Newspapers denounced what was about to happen. In addition, the Patriarch of the Bulgarian Orthodox Church, Archbishop Krill, threatened to lie down on the railroad tracks. Finally, King Boris III forbade the deportation.

Since Bulgaria was an ally of Germany, & the Germans were stretched militarily, they had to wrestle with the problem of how much pressure they could afford to apply. They decided to pass.

Several points are noteworthy: The Bulgarian Jews were relatively unreligious & did not stand apart from the local populace by virtue of garb, or rites.

They were relatively poor by comparison to Jews in other countries, & they lived in integrated neighborhoods. Additionally, the Bulgarians had many minorities, Armenians, Turks, Greeks, & Gypsies, in addition to Jews.

There was no concept of racism in that culture. The bottom line here is that Bulgarians saw Bulgarian-Jews as Bulgarians V. Jews. And, being a small country, like Denmark, where there was a closeness of community that is often missing in larger countries. So, here was a bright spot that we can point to as example of what should've been.

The most famous of those saved was a young graduate of the Bulgarian Military Academy. When he arrived in Israel, he changed his name...to Moshe Dayan.
What a great story to pass on....

A Military Can Do Wonders for an Economy

A Military Can Do Wonders for an Economy
Understanding Israel’s economic miracle.

Why is Israel so economically successful? Dan Senor and Saul Singer go beyond stereotypes and beyond the continuing Mideast conflict to analyze this question in their new book, Start-up Nation: The Story of Israel’s Economic Miracle. Senor, a former Bush-administration official in Iraq, took questions from National Review Online’s Kathryn Jean Lopez on what Israel’s done right, what stands in her way, and how we can learn a little from our ally.

KATHRYN JEAN LOPEZ: What’s so special about Israel?
DAN SENOR: Israel represents the highest concentration of innovation and entrepreneurship in the world today: the most start-ups per capita; the highest percentage of GDP invested in civilian R&D; more companies on NASDAQ than all of Europe, Korea, Japan, India, and China combined; and the biggest destination for global venture capital per capita. Israel raises 2.5 times as much global venture capital as the U.S., 30 times more than Europe, 80 times more than India, and 350 times more than China — and these numbers are from 2008, when the world was in the midst of an economic meltdown. Israel all but escaped the crisis that ripped through economies everywhere else.

LOPEZ: What makes Israel an economic miracle? What’s most impressive?
DAN SENOR: The jaw-dropping data above would be impressive for any country, but to accomplish all this while under a near-total regional economic boycott, under physical attack, and absorbing millions of refugees in a tiny country with no resources is hard to comprehend.

LOPEZ: What’s the secret of its success?
DAN SENOR: Our book dives into many interacting factors, but one of the most important is the training and battlefield experience that most Israelis receive in the military. The military is where many Israelis learn to lead and manage people, improvise, become mission-oriented, work in teams, and contribute to their country.

They tend to come out of their years of service (three for men, two for women) more mature and directed than their peers in other countries. They learn “the value of five minutes,” as one general told us. They even learn something more uniquely Israeli: to speak up — regardless of ranks and hierarchy — if they think things can be done better.

LOPEZ: Where has Israel fallen behind?
DAN SENOR: The non-tech portion of the economy is overconcentrated, overregulated, and overtaxed, and has consequently performed at a mediocre level. If the conditions that have allowed the high-tech sector to flourish were applied to the rest of the economy, Israel could grow even faster. If Israel also were to address the low labor-force-participation rates in certain demographics, we agree with Prime Minister Netanyahu that Israel could become one of the top ten largest economies in the world.

LOPEZ: Has this been an ethical success story?
DAN SENOR: We believe that the free-market system is progressively eliminating the extreme poverty that was the lot of the world throughout history. This process is largely driven by improvements in productivity, which are in part a result of advancements in technology, especially by small, scrappy start-ups. Also, Israel has specialized in life-enhancing and life-saving technologies like medical devices, water conservation, desalination, and irrigation, not to mention the information technology that is making the world smaller.
The great thing about innovation is that, unlike physical resources, ideas can be shared & duplicated by all without taking from anyone else.

LOPEZ: Is there something particularly Jewish about Israel’s success?
DAN SENOR: Many people conjecture that there is something specifically Jewish at work. The notion that Jews are “smart” has become deeply embedded in the Western psyche. We saw this ourselves; when we told people we were writing a book about why Israel is so innovative, many reacted by saying, “It’s simple — Jews are smart, so it’s no surprise that Israel is innovative.” But pinning Israel’s success on a stereotype obscures more than it reveals.

For starters, the idea of a unitary Jewishness — whether genetic or cultural — would seem to have little applicability to a nation that, though small, is among the most heterogeneous in the world. Israel’s tiny population is made up of some 70 different nationalities. A Jewish refugee from Iraq and one from Poland or Ethiopia did not share a language, education, culture, or history — at least not for the two previous millennia. As Irish economist David McWilliams explains, “Israel is quite the opposite of a uni-dimensional, Jewish country. . . . It is a monotheistic melting pot of a Diaspora that brought back with it the culture, language, and customs of the four corners of the earth.”

While a common prayer book and a shared legacy of persecution count for something, it was far from clear that this disparate group could form a functioning country at all, let alone one that would excel at — of all things — teamwork and innovation.
Indeed, Israel’s secret seems to lie in something more than just the talent of individuals. There are lots of places with talented people, certainly with many times the number of engineers that Israel has to offer. Singaporean students, for example, lead the world in science and mathematics test scores. Multinationals have set up shop in places like India and Ireland, too. “But we don’t set up our mission-critical work in those countries,” an American executive from eBay told us. “Google, Cisco, Microsoft, Intel, e-Bay . . .the list goes on. The best-kept secret is that we all live and die by the work of our Israeli teams. It’s much more than just outsourcing call centers to India or setting up IT services in Ireland. What we do in Israel is unlike what we do anywhere else in the world.”
LOPEZ: What’s the Buffett test?

DAN SENOR: Without spoiling the surprise, let’s just say that Warren Buffett — the apostle of risk aversion — bought his first company overseas in 2006 while Hezbollah’s katusha rockets were landing near the company’s factories. This was his $4 billion acquisition of the manufacturing company Iscar, and the deal was being closed in the midst of the Lebanon War. Buffett didn’t blink. He went through with the deal. Even up against such geopolitical and security volatility, he bet on the Israelis, and in the book, we describe the test he used to justify that bet. It’s key to understanding why so many investors and multinational companies (Cisco has bought nine Israeli companies and is looking to buy more) are willing to take the risk to do business in Israel.

LOPEZ: Can we have an economic miracle too?
DAN SENOR: Yes! America has untapped “Israeli” potential in the tens of thousands of returning veterans whose leadership experience is not appreciated by the American corporate world.

U.S. vets coming out of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are better prepared than ever for the business world, whether building start-ups or helping lead larger companies through the current turbulent period. Yet the capacity of U.S. corporate recruiters and executives to make sense of combat experience and its value in the business world is limited. As Israeli entrepreneur Jon Medved explained, most American businesspeople simply do not know how to read a military résumé.

U.S. military career adviser Al Chase told us that many vets he’s worked with have walked a business interviewer through all their leadership experiences from the battlefield, including case studies in high-stakes decision making & management of large numbers of people & equipment in a war zone, & at the end of it the interviewer has said something along the lines of, “That’s very interesting, but have u ever had a real job?”

In Israel, it is the opposite. While Israeli businesses still look for private-sector experience, military service provides the critical standardized metric for employers — all of whom know what it means to be an officer or to have served in an elite unit. Our book explores ways in which the U.S. might close the cultural gap between the business world and the military communities in the U.S.
LOPEZ: Can economic miracles lead to peace?

DAN SENOR: Israel’s economic success has been a key component in convincing the Arab world that its existence is permanent in the region, which is the threshold incentive for the Arab world to end its attempts to destroy Israel. The moment the Arab world is ready for peace, the opportunities for economic cooperation are great, and Israel could play a pivotal role in helping regional economies advance.
LOPEZ: If Israel is so smart, why can’t it seem to fully outsmart its enemies?
DAN SENOR: Well, on the one hand, you have to be pretty deft and tenacious to be surrounded by enemies who’ve been at war with you since the dawn of your existence and still function like the Israelis do each day. On the other hand, it is remarkable that the Arab world has been attacking Israel incessantly yet has managed to paint Israel as the aggressor.

LOPEZ: Could Iran easily end all this success?
DAN SENOR: No, but if Iran goes nuclear, the possibilities for regional peace shrink to nil, and this is a great opportunity lost for Israel and the Arabs alike.
LOPEZ: What is the biggest threat facing Israel?

DAN SENOR: The threat of radical Islamists backed by an Iranian nuclear umbrella, but this is a threat that would cast a pall over global security and prosperity, not just Israel.
LOPEZ: What makes you two economists all of a sudden, by the way?
DAN SENOR: Aha, you have discovered that this is not a book about economics, really, but culture, history, and chutzpah. We came at this story with the tools of policy analysis, investment experience, and journalism, and tried to tell it for non-economists like ourselves.

LOPEZ: It’s hard not to notice the prominent “A Council on Foreign Relations Book.” When did Israel buy the Trilateral Commission?
DAN SENOR: You’ll have to read the book to find out; but we’re not sure that even we will be able to validate that conspiracy theory.— Kathryn Jean Lopez is editor-at-large of National Review Online.

An Eternal Perspective-Living A Life That Matters

An Eternal Perspective-Living A Life That Matters

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame & temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, & jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, & to-do lists will expire.

The wins & losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived…at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.


What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What’ll matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is-not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What’ll matter is how long you’ll be remembered,by whom & for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance, but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

Christian One Liners

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.
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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.
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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make
which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises'
Are just sitting on the premises.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
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Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message, The message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If this blessed you in a profound way today, Share it with a few friends to bless them! I bet someone else will LOVE it too.

There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

British Yiddish Humor VI

The special cookies
As 80 year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom, he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard, he leans against the kitchen door frame and stares in. "I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. "Am I really in heaven," has asks himself, "or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I exit from this world a happy man?" Then with one final effort, Benny propels himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that he will soon experience. All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand with her wooden spoon. "Please don't touch them," she says, "they're for the Shiva."

Too clever by half - Little 5year old Benjy was practicing spelling on his fridge using a set of magnetic letters. Freda, his mother, had watched him put together words such as ‘mum’, ‘dad’, ‘dog’, ‘cat’ and ‘car’ and was very proud of her clever son. But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what I spelled, mummy." Freda looked at the fridge and saw that he had put up the three magnetic letters, ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’. "Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said, "why don’t you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?" "OK, mummy," he said. But just as Freda was thinking that the Jewish school he went to was starting to have an impact, Benjy’s little voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

Kosher PC - My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
Microsoft Office includes, "a little byte of this and a little byte of that."
Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
The KPC start button is labelled, "Let's go already, I'm not getting any younger."
When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the tuchus."
KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant I should fix this?"
When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
KPC email always opens with "You don't write and you never call."
The KPC options button is labelled, "But on the other hand."
When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?"
The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.

Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.
Drive-in cash - Hyman received the following letter from his bank: - "The President of the Bank of Golders Green is pleased to announce that two ‘drive-through’ cash dispensers have now been installed to enable customers to withdraw cash without leaving their cars. To help our customers make the most effective use of this new service, we have come up with the following guidelines. These were drawn up following intensive behavioural studies of drive-in services.


PROCEDURES FOR MALE CUSTOMERS

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine
4. Enter PIN number
5. Enter amount of cash required
6. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
7. Wind up window
8. Drive off


PROCEDURES FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse a bit to align the car window with the cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down your car window
5. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Turn down the radio
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to access cash machine due to its distance from car
9. Insert card into machine
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Empty handbag again to find diary with the PIN number listed
12. Enter PIN number
13. Press ‘cancel’ and re-enter correct PIN number
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror
20. Drive away and then stop after 8 feet
21. Reverse car back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Restart stalled engine and drive away
24. Drive for 2-3 miles
25. Release handbrake


Quickies -
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch? A: Reservations
Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks, "Oy, do you have matzoh balls?" "No," replies the waiter, "I always walk like this."


Identification -Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading the Financial Times. "Excuse me," she says, "can I ask you something personal? Are you Jewish?" "No, I’m not," replies the man. A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him, "Please, are you sure you’re not Jewish?" The man replies, "No, I’ve told you I’m not," and continues to read his paper. A few minutes later, "Excuse me, are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?" At that, the man gets quite frustrated and replies, "All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you leave me alone?" Rivkah looks at him and says, "Funny, you don’t look Jewish."


The search party - Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go skiing whilst she unpacked. "Don’t worry about me," he said, "I’ll be back within 2 hours."

Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross. After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.

As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out, "Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?" When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time, "Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross." And then they heard a faint voice say, "It’s OK. I’ve given already."


The flight home - Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served. "Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.


Marriage etiquette
Naomi had only recently got married and was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says, "Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits his friends have?"


Gender Confusion
A Tel Aviv college professor of IT knew that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." But what gender, he thought, should computers be addressed? So he decided to ask his class. He set up two groups of computer experts, one comprised of women and the other of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or masculine gender and give 4 reasons for the choice. The women said that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Although they have a lot of data, they are still clueless. They are supposed to help solve problems but most of the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that had you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, said that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender. No one but God understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you commit to one, you start spending money on accessories for it.

The new member - Rivkah had been trying for some time to become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she becomes a member. Unfortunately, at her first golf club dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her. Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown, Rifka jumps up and shouts, "Oy Vay." Then, looking around her, she adds, "Whatever that means."

Directions - Avrahom has just been shopping and is walking home down Golders Green High Road carrying lots of parcels when a man comes up to him. "Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Levy’s bagel bakery?" Avrahom hands over the parcels he is carrying to the stranger, spreads his arms out as wide as he can, shrugs and replies, "How should I know?"

Philosophical thoughts - I had a shock the other day when I read in the papers that 1in 4 Londoners suffers from some kind of mental illness. I’m fairly certain my 3 best friends are normal, so it must be me. Oy vay. I’m not into working out because my philosophy is, "no pain, no pain."

But I am in shape. Well, round is a shape. My bubba believed we should all stay in shape. As soon as she reached 60, she started walking four miles every day. She’s 75 now and we have no idea where she is. I’m neither for nor against apathy. I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator. However, I never got round to it. I’ve always wanted to be somebody. Maybe I should have been more specific. I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it. I plan to live forever. So far, so good. You don’t stop laughing because you’ve grown old. You’ve grown old because you’ve stopped laughing. [So keep on reading these jokes]

The bonding - On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living. The first little girl replies, "My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman." The next little boy replies, "I'm Peter and my dad is a gardener." But the next little boy says, "My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night." Christine quickly changes the subject. Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?" Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The benefit of Private Medical Insurance - Benjy is getting chest pains and goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub it in twice a day."

Well, I never - Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room. Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for £250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren't worth anywhere near £250 and asks to speak the Manager. The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use. "But we didn't use them," Yitzhak complains. "Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers in the UK perform here," he says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains Yitzhak again. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager. "But sir," the Manager says, "this cheque is only made out for £75." "That's right," says Yitzhak. "I charged you £175 for sleeping with my wife Fay." "But I didn't," exclaims the Manager. "Well," Yitzhak replies, "she was here and you could have."

Who has enemies? One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, "Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies." About 50% raise their hand. This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question. This time about 80% raise their hand. But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question. This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul. Rabbi Landau asks, "Mrs Levy, aren't you willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any enemies," she replies. "That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?" "I'm 98, Rabbi." "Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world." Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, "I outlived the momzers, that’s how."

The promise - Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Sarah says, "I'll miss you."

The soldiers - Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal. Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule." Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey." As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement. The Rabbi looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work." As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?" "No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."

Rebecca and Hyman are silently rocking on their rocking chairs in front of the fire when Hyman suddenly says, "Rebecca, we’ve been married now for over 50 years and it's good that the children are all grown up, living on their own and don’t disturb us much." They continue to rock silently for a few more minutes, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, we certainly aren't getting any younger." They maintain their silent rocking for some more minutes, then Hyman continues, "You know Rebecca, I’ve been thinking. One of these days, one of us is surely going to die." They maintain their silent rocking a bit longer, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, if one of us does die, I'm going to take that trip to Israel we promised ourselves."

........................Warning: Naughty Jokes Below.......................

Sabbath sex - Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath." Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

The flasher - Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

The brothel visit - The madam of a brothel answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.

Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--" "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The rabbi paid out the necessary money and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time than the first.

As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."

British Yiddish Humor V

The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace. “The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice, on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”


Mind reader
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.


The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."


You can't hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking, mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish mother.


Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but she doesn't really care.

Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.

It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.

Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.


The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"


The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.

Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying a 'shiksa.'
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."


The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for after the funeral."


Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800's, Moishe had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still see 'em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah, I couldn' shoot'em." "Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? I've known him ince he was only dis big!"


Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don't know but his face certainly rings a bell."


Quasimodo Levy - 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man's brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato - hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and asked, "who was that man?"
Replied Quasimodo Levy, "I don't know, but he's certainly a dead ringer for his brother."


Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.


Noah's ark
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”

And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”

And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”

And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah, my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”


A sign of prosperity
Maurice started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man. One day, his bank manager rang him and said, “Maurice, I have a query on one of your recent cheques. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years, you've been signing all cheques with two X’s but this one is signed with three X’s. Is it yours?”
Maurice replied, “Yes, it is. Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”


Latest inventions from Chelm
· A water-proof towel
· Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
· A solar powered torch
· A book called ‘how to read’
· Water-proof tea bags
· A pedal-powered wheel chair
· A full index for a dictionary


Short summary of every Jewish holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.


The Jewish diamond ring
A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said, "it's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."


The Arab and the little old Jewish man
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".
Hymie replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie, I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."


The Bush
George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".


The Japanese tourist
A tourist from Japan is walking the streets of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"


At the tavern
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered, "Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"


(#235) The Jewish mother
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for over twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.


Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."


The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"


The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"


Getting Old
G-d grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If G-d really wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to Get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
These are not old, unless you heard them before. Steve