A Day I’ll Never Forget By M. Asinoff & Jack Simony 11/28/09 - His idea-95% me.
It was a Monday, like most others, I guess, except on this one the home for retarded adults I work in was going canoeing. Yes, retarded. So I'm politically incorrect. What can I say? Sue me.
Anyway, I was a bit worried because they can't swim. But I'll get back to that.
Meanwhile, we were deciding who'd drive when I got a brain-storm. (I get them sometimes. Unfortunately, they don't always work as well as they sound at first). But I bet my friend, Irene the guys would beat the girls there, anyway. She was reluctant. But I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
It took two hours to get there. And hear they made it in one because she got directions. I knew I made a wrong turn 5 miles back…But I was too macho to stop for directions…So I followed my ego & drove around. (What can I say...? It’s a guy, thing).
Anyway, next thing I know I heard a big splash and someone scream, "Oh, my God...! Al fell in the water!!!..."
Instantly, my worst fears were reality…! My heart-was-racing…! I told my boss this was a bad idea.... But he wouldn’t listen.... He said I worry too much and laughed... I looked around. EVERYONE was frozen with fear & shock... I knew someone had to something.... FAST...! So I jumped in... I was TERRIFIED he'd drown…! It was ALL I could think of…! I don’t think I ever swam so hard in my life...Luckily, I was captain of my college swim-team for two years, or I probably would've been scared out of my mind...
My mom and coach will be so glad to hear they were right: all those laps really did pay-off. I'll have to call the coach... Call!...Yes!...I just remembered my cell phone's-in the car...
They can call 911 while I give him mouth-to-mouth, I thought... Lucky, I know CPR... God, I hope I reach him in time... I never thought I’d hate being so right before... It's so over rated sometimes.
Al’s family will sue... I read about something like this... The family sued for Millions & the home went under...
Many of the residents came here. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to us...It'd be a real shame... What would they do...? Where would they go...? God, I hope they won’t have to worry about that. I’ll reach Al in time.
Then finally...after a few minutes that seemed like eternity, I reached someone...I figured it was Al & was so relieved...I hope it’s him & I’m in time… I took a big, lunge forward, reached out & grabbed a foot…A foot…? Huh. That's weird…How’d I get a foot...?
Oh God...Oh, God…I hope he didn’t fall and hit his head on a rock…PLEASE, God..! Let it be Irene’s… PLEASE. God…! I’ll NEVER, EVER ask you for anything, again! I SWEAR! I know I said that before! But I mean it this time! I swear! I really mean it! I’ll never, ever ask -You, for anything again! Al’s a nice guy. He didn’t do anything wrong! He doesn’t deserve to die! You know that! Please, God! Please let it be Irene’s foot! Please let her have dived in after me & catching her breath while looking to see if he came up...I hope he doesn’t panic or cramp... He treads water a bit…I think…I hope! If he drowns I’ll never forgive myself for not trying to persuade the director harder...!
I’m out of breath, I must get some air or my lungs will burst & they'll be fishing me out too! That's all we need...I can see the headline now...councilor drowns trying to save retarded, adult... (They’ll say I was politically incorrect, too)!
I’m more out of shape than I realized…I just gotta quit smoking... I can’t believe I started again...I did it to look cool in front of Irene...I was so proud of myself for quitting “cold-turkey” a year ago...
Mom’s right: some guys will do anything to impress a babe... especially a “hot”, one, like Irene.... Mom was a gal once...before she married dad...That’s how she got him…She knows we jocks don’t think with our heads...
Hey, I’m a jock...That’s cool...We’re chick magnets... I don’t have to smoke to look cool for Irene...I can get any, girl I want... I can just hear mom saying I told you so... She loves being right... It's a mom, “thing”.
Plus cigarettes are $9 a pack, for Heaven’s sake..!. At least muggers use guns & knives, & don’t insult or try to play you with crap like it’s for your own good... I prefer a hug & kiss when getting it... I’m-”funny” that way...
O.k., that’s it...! I can’t hold my breath anymore... I swear my lungs will explode in a minute. I better surface... While I get some air I can see if whoever’s foot I grabbed found him...
So I surfaced.... You won’t believe whose foot it was... When I tell you you’ll swear I played you... I didn’t! I swear! I’d NEVER even think of it! When I surfaced & looked-up he was standing there...! That's right…! Standing…!
I just could not believe it…! I still swear it was all a bad dream, scene from a movie, or a commercial. I was bleary from oxygen depravation or something, I thought! It can’t be…! I must be hallucinating! The lack of oxygen & heat must be making me delirious! I rubbed my eyes again... when I opened them he was standing there… laughing, hysterically...!
So was everyone else...! Can u imagine the look on my face when I realized the water was five-feet...? Boy was I embarrassed… & soaked in mud.
Irene thought it was hysterical... So I chased her & tried to rub mud on her. She took photos & threatened to blackmail me by saying she’d post them on line... She said it’s -a “Jack Moment” come -back to “bite me in the ass”... It’s a line I coined... it's- “cousin” to the “Kodak Moment”... It’s when I make-someone... usually a chic... turn 3…or more… shades of magenta.... (3’s my lucky, #)...
I did it to an ex publicly... It was payback for leaving me before mid-terms & having my book. So I couldn’t study....We were debating about gays. I said they're sick. And any guy wanting to see all of me…desperately needs shock therapy...I don't even want to see it...I shower in the dark…
She laughed & said she didn't blame me...if she were me she would too...I'm not very pretty when dressed.
So I asked if she wanted to know a secret…just between us…Still laughing…rather, smugly…obviously quite, pleased with herself… she asked what?
I publicly, announced there was a time…not long ago… when you thought I was rather, pretty…enough to hug & kiss…amongst several other things... while wearing nothing...but contacts...!
Boy...that was a “Jack Moment”...! We'll never, ever forget it…as long as we live...! I had no clue a person could turn so many shades of magenta, pink & purple. She turned them all...three times! (I told you it’s my lucky, #).
Anyway, we split into couples & Irene rode back with me…We were laughing over my "rescue" & she said we had such fun & she didn't want it to end. I’m on a "lucky" streak…& should keep it going at Atlantic City. I agreed
So we went to my house. I showered & changed.
Irene wanted to drive. But proving once again macho’s incurable, & some guys never learn I drove. (Luckily, I knew the way this time). Hey, at least I have “stones” Many guys “swap” their jeans for a dress long before they say I do.
When dating their gals say jump & they do. After marriage guys ask how high & change their last names. Husbands go to baby showers, dept. stores & restaurants have diaper changing tables in the men’s room, for God’s sake! What the Hell’s the world coming to? Before you know we’ll pee sitting. Guys say they’re happy & omit that their wives telling them they are. And they better say so or what’s left of their manhood will hang- from their rear view mirrors. Then clipped to their wives’ key chains, taken to work to show all the girls and help groom the single ones for marriage.
“Luckily”, I have my kid, sister, Ann. She a typical woman: “little general”: suggests what & when I do, eat, feel, say, think & wear. Sometimes I salute her when she gives me orders. If she sees me on- line, late she says go to bed. She thinks she’s my big, sister. It’s a “miracle” I got this far without her. Lucky I have her to think for me now. It was a job & ½ backing her down from orders. I face “The Wrath of Khan”, for calling- her-a soccer-mom, asking her if she wants to carve a slot in back of my head for her hand, install a pull string for when she wants me to talk & writing-a hilarious, parody about her-suggestions. I posted on a Google Blog under a pen name: mrmitch06 She’s-not amused over it & denied trying to prep me for marriage & fix me. I asked if my girlfriends didn’t do it with love & sex how- will- she?
Anyway, we got to AC & strolled around. Irene's some dancer, so we whirled around the floor. Before we knew it two-hours "flew"-by & I felt like gambling. We're here already I told myself. How can you come here & not gamble, I asked her? Since we're by the roulette table it seemed like as good a place as any to start.
Before I knew it I blew 75 bucks!...I still had a $25 chip left…And was determined to go home either rich or –broke…nothing in between! No guts, no glory! It’s another single guy thing. To married men it’s a faint memory.
After seeing me lose 75 bucks and now about to blow my last 25…Irene said I'm a typical guy...with more macho than brains...Then she picked up the chip and walked away.
The casino was crowded. But I didn't care...I wasn't going to let a little thing like that stop me from hitting the jackpot. At that moment the wheel stopped...I won't say where...I'll let you guess.... I will say we hit my “Jack Pot” later…
And when all was said and done, it was a day we'll never forget...