Friday, July 31, 2009

Save the Earth with baking soda!

Save the Earth with baking soda!
Inexpensive tips for cleaning your home the toxic-free way
By BETH LEVINE

B1ACK IN APRIL, AMID THE Earth Day hoopla, you probably vowed to help save the planet So, you now recycle newspapers and cans. You turn you nose up at fur, and turn off the water when you brush your teeth.

But you may not have thought to change your housecleaning habits.
''Vast quantities of detergents, bleaches and polishes are manufac­tured from toxic chemicals like hydro­chloric acid, sulfuric acid and benzene," says Diane MacEachern, author of "Save Our Planet: 750 Ev­eryday Ways You Can Help Clean Up the Earth" (Dell. $9.95).

"Just disposing of the 'empty' con­tainer these chemicals come in can send them right to the landfill, where the toxins leach into the groundwater- possibly to end up back in the kitchen, coming out of the tap," Mac­Eachern points out.

Fortunately, there are alternative cleaners that are easy to create and environmentally sound.
MacEachern recommends the fol­lowing:

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER: Mix 1 gal­lon hot water, 1 cup sudsy ammonia, 1 cup vinegar, 1 tablespoon baking soda.

WARNING: Use gloves and do not mix with other compounds, espe­cially chlorine bleach. Mixing ammo­nia and bleach produces a toxic gas.

DRAIN CLEANER: Mix 1 cup baking soda, 1 cup salt, 1 cup cream of tar­tar. Pour 1 cup of this mixture into the drain, followed by a pot of boiling water.

TOILET BOWL CLEANER: A strong solution of a natural acid, such as vin­egar, will remove lime scale without polluting water.

GLASS CLEANER: Mix 1 tablespoon borax or washing soda and 3 cups wa­ter. Spray onto glass using a pump sprayer. Avoid streaking by cleaning with a squeegee.

The famous "hints" columnist Helo-ise, author of "Hints for a Healthy Planet" (Perigee. $7.95), believes we can solve all household cleaning problems using various combinations of vinegar, baking soda, cornstarch and ammonia. Some of her sugges­tions are:

• Clean shower stalls, tubs, toilets, tiles, and glass and ceramic surfaces with baking soda sprinkled on a damp sponge. For a more abrasive cleaner, scrub surface with half a lemon dipped in borax. Rinse.

• Adding 1/2 - 1 cup of vinegar to rinsewater will soften your laundry and cut the soap.

• Spray starch can be made by mixing 2 tablespoons of cornstarch with one pint cold water. Store in a spray bottle and shake well before using.

Environmentally sound substitu­tions can also be made for health and personal care products, says Nancy Birne, author of "Cheaper and Bet­ter: Homemade Alternatives to Store-bought Goods" (Perennial Library. $11.95).

Here are some of her tips:

TOOTH POWDER: Place 2 table­spoons of dried lemon or orange rind in a food processor and grind until you have a fine powder. Add 1/2 cup baking soda and 2 teaspoons salt and process a few seconds more. (If you don't have a food processor, use a mortar and pestle.) Store the powder in a salt shaker and shake directly onto your toothbrush.

FACIAL CREAM: Combine in a glass or ceramic bowl: 1 ounce glycerin, 1 ounce witch hazel, l/2 ounce rose water, 3 tablespoons honey, 3 tablespoons wheat germ oil. Store in a tightly sealed container at room temperature.

AFTERSHAVE: Mash one large cu­cumber in a blender. Strain through a coffee filter and remove pulp. Crush 1 teaspoon mint or 2 sprigs fresh mint. Combine with cucumber and 1 cup witch hazel, 1 cup alcohol (reduce to1 tablespoon if skin is dry), 1/2 cup lem­on juice, 1/4 cup lime juice. Let mix­ture sit for 30 minutes, strain andstore in a tightly capped bottle.

(Beth Levins is a freelance writer.) •

Stop Spending My Inheritance

Stop Spending My Inheritance
By BOB MORRIS


NEW YORK was aghast last week at the dark drama surrounding Brooke Astor, the 104-year-old philan­thropist and socialite. Her grandson is taking his fa­ther, her only son, to court for not providing for her needs and for cutting back on her care. Her son is shocked by the charges. But what is the real story? Has her son been with­holding necessary care and looking af­ter his interests instead? Or does it all boil down to a disagreement about the kind of care a woman with Alzheimer's disease truly needs?

As gothic as it all is, there is some­thing more familiar in all of this than many of us care to discuss. When caring for an aging parent, irreproachable selflessness doesn't al­ways come easily.
My own father died recently, and much as I hate to ad­mit it, there were plenty of moments during the last year when I was consumed with an invisible ledger in my brain: my inheritance versus his health costs. Fifteen hundred dol­lars a week on this. Six thousand a month on that. It could all add up to leaving nothing.

Not that I tried to staunch the flow. But even thinking about it was an ugly thing.
And according to lawyers and health care workers who care for the elderly, such dilemmas are becoming more and more common. The final years of life are often weighted with escalating health costs that can either drain an inheritance from adult children (most with far fewer assets than an Astor heir), or threaten to sink them financially.

"And wealthy people are living longer than anyone," said Daniel Fitz-Patrick, the chief executive of Citi­bank Trust. "So Inheritances are de­creasing significantly."

For many families, finances are a taboo topic. Parents often don't tell children about their assets, leaving them won­dering how much there is for daily maintenance and health care. Children, on the other hand, don't inquire about the estate for fear of appearing greedy.

• But not knowing can lead to worry, re­sentment and guilt. And when multiple family members are making decisions, the re-. suit can be toxic.

"When siblings fight it is usually over par­ents needing more or less care," said Theodore R. Wagner, a lawyer who helped Mrs. Astor close her Vincent Astor Foundation. "Some feel guilty because they can't help but wonder if it's worth spending so much on luxurious residences and amenities when a parent is so mentally compromised."

* Ed Johnson is the executive director of Atria 86th Street, a pleasant Upper West Side retirement residence with medical support services. "All too frequently when chil­dren come to tour our facility," he said, "one child wants to spend the money, while the other doesn't. It can become a terrible situa­tion for everyone." Especially when resi­dential costs start at nearly $4,000 a month.

Annette McClusky, the president of Auro­ra Nurses Professional Registry in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., is often at odds with her three siblings about their mother's care. "After my mother's heart surgery, one of my sisters didn't think she needed to be in rehab," she said. "Another time, I felt she needed a walker and my sister didn't. Ev­erything is always an issue." She sometimes pays for her mother's needs without asking her siblings to share in the costs because she can afford it.
"You just do what you have to do," she said.

Most children do want to provide for the comfort of parents regardless of costs. Da­vid Goldfarb, a Manhattan lawyer who spe­cializes in the elderly (and is representing Mrs. Astor's grandson) said it is usually the parents who do not want to spend too much money on health care because they want to leave mpney to their children.

But other children can't help begrudging the dwindling of the estate.

"Some children do feel ambivalent about parents living longer when they're not that functional," said Roberta Satow, the author (of "Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents Even if They Didn't Take Care of You." "And then you may not be wanting to spend so much."

But money, she says, is never about money. It's about other things.

Usually anger and guilt. In her own case, Dr. Satow constantly confronts her own an­ger at having to deal with the needs of a 95-year-old mother she did not find all that lov­ing while growing up.
"And when there are conflicts in child­hood," she said, "they can emerge in all kinds of ways when the roles are reversed and the children are in control as caregiv-ers."

We all have feelings about our parents that we are not proud of, said Barbara Silverstone, an author of "You and Your Aging Parent." When disability kicks in, what's bad in a relationship becomes worse" she said, adding that many siblings feel guilty for havin g the schocking but not untypical responce of feeling resentful of a sick old parent.

"If you can face feelings of resentment, accept them but don't act on them, then you can mix them with love and compassion and move on."

I guess so. But memories of my selfishness toward my father still haunt me.
For his 83rd birthday present, he had re­quested a pair of backless shoes that would make his life a little easier. We had flown down to Palm Beach so that he could see friends, and I was serving as his driver, travel agent, valet, aide-de-camp and bud­dy. Leaving him in our rental car, I went into a store and found the shoes he had in mind. But they were so expensive that I put them down and bought him a shirt and some pajamas instead.

Now that he's gone, I wonder why I did that. Maybe I was angry at having to be away from my busy life in New York. May­be I was angry at him for becoming depend­ent when he'd always been a gleeful get-about guy.

If I had to do it again, I would buy my fa­ther those shoes then and there. As it turned out, I bought a similar pair for him when we got back to New York, at half the price.
"Perfect," he said.
Well, not quite.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

2001 Darwin Awards

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. They are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable -elements from the human gene pool. In other words, only the most anal & idiotic people and events are selected for this prestigious award.


5th RUNNER-UP: A San Anselmo, California man, who died when he hit a lift tower, at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam- pad.

22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at the hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., & the sheriff said, “Hubal & his pals hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley & undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers,” said Police Lt. Mike Donnelly.

The pads protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope & Hubal crashed into a tower.

It was determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.


4th RUNNER-UP: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, he grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth & walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.

Paramedics removed the 6-inch wiener from his throat where it choked him to death.


3rd RUNNER-UP: Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock & was killed instantly when it fell on him.


2nd RUNNER-UP"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Va. party (probably related to last year’s winner: an Arkansas man who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, & tongue.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery & was trying to explode it.""It wouldn't go off.

So he said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it in his mouth, bit down, blew all his teeth out & his lips & tongue off,” Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries.

"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.


1st RUNNER-UP: Drs. at Portland U. Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive & will be released soon.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.

Drs. said that had the arrow gone 1 mm to the left, a major blood vessel would’ve been cut & he’d have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. John Delashaw at U. Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards that he & his pals were drinking that day.

Roberts said, "I feel so dumb about this."

No charges were filed, but Josephine County DA's office said it is under investigation.



THIS-YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky & his pal, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of Washington State decided to go to a Metallica concert without tickets (but had 9 beers each), they thought it’d be easy to "hop" over the 9 ft fence & sneak into the show.

They parked next to the fence & planned for Pernicky, 100-lbs. heavier than Hawkins) to hop over & then help his pal. Unfortunately for (the late) Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side.

After climbing over he crashed through a tree.

His fall was abruptly broke, along with his arm by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling with a broken arm, he saw some bushes below him.

Figuring they’d break his fall he removed his pocket knife & cut off his shorts to free himself. Finally free, he crashed into holly bushes.

The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body & now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.

To make it worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.

Hawkins saw his pal in agony. So he threw him a rope & was going to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck & slowly driving away.

However, in his drunken haste /state, he put the truck into reverse & crashed through the fence & over his pal, killing him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 ft from the truck & dead from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratched up, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, & his shorts dangling from a tree branch, 25-feet high.

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1) Crack -open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"

2) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3) Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.

4) Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

5) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6) On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.

7) Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)

8) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead & muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you, just shut -UP!"

9) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11) When arriving at your floor, grunt & strain to yank the doors open, then- act embarrassed
when they open by themselves.

12) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13) Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake & ask them to call you, "Admiral".

14) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear
the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

15) One word: Flatulence!

16) Leave a box between the doors.

17) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, & then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

18) When at least 8 people board, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"

19) Give religious literature to each passenger.

20) Do Tai Chi exercises.

21) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22) Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24) Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.

25) Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

29) Meow occasionally.

30) Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk & announce it’s your "personal space".

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

50. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

26 Beautiful One-liners

26 Beautiful One-liners


1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A -lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you. Now take a minute & give this a shot!
Let's just see if Satan stops this one. All you do is say a small, prayer for whoever sent you this, e.g. LORD, God, bless this person in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day....)

Then sit back and watch the power of God work in 'your' life for doing the thing that you know He loves. What we do in life echoes in eternity....

15 Ways to be Annoying Part II

15 Ways to be Annoying Part II



9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance".

10) Occasionally-talk into your hand in public.

11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.

12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.

13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.

14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.

15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

Inspirational words can motivate success. They can also tide you through bad times. Here’s a collection of top 10 inspirational quotes.

Inspirational words can motivate success. They can also tide you through bad times.

Here’s a collection of top 10 inspirational quotes. Read what the greatest minds have to say & share these inspirational quotes.

1) Twain: 20 years from now u’ll be more disappointed by things you didn't do than ones u did. Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

2) Luigi Pirandello: In bed my real love has always been the sleep that rescued me by allowing me to dream.

3) Reverend Martin L. King Jr.: Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

4) Zig Ziglar: People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

5)T.S. Elliot: Only those who’ll risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

6) Buddha: All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

7) Ralph Waldo Emerson: Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path & leave a trail.

8) Peter F. Drucker: We know nothing about motivation. All we can do is write books about it.

9) Nora Roberts: If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.

10) Stephen Covey: Begin with the end in mind.
11. George Bernard Shaw: You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

12. Seneca: It’s not because things are difficult that we don’t dare, it’s because we don’t dare that they’re difficult.
13. Alphonse de Lamartine: There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.
14. Henry David Thoreau: If you’ve built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that’s where they should be.

15. Stephen Covey: Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.
16. Arthur Koestler - Nothing is more -sad than the death of an illusion.

17. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
18. Helen Keller: One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

19. Michael Flatley -Whenever I hear, "It can't be done," I know I'm close to success.

20. Croquette Sonia: Your own words & the bricks & mortar of the dreams u want to realize. Your words are the greatest power u have. The words u choose & the use establish the life u experience.

21. Gandhi: When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love has always won. There have been tyrants & murders, & for a time they may seem invincible, but in the end they always fall, always.

22. Jesse Jackson: We've removed the ceiling above our dreams. There are no more impossible dreams.

23. Fosdick, Harry Emerson: The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
24. M. Ali: The fight is won or lost far away from the witnesses, behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road; long before I dance under those lights.

25. John Updike: Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.

26. Robert H. Schuller: Every burden is a blessing.

27. Dale Carnegie: Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by those who’ve kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

28. T. Roosevelt: Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

29. Marcel Proust: A Cathedral, a wave of storm, a dancer's leap, never turn out to be as high as we had hoped.

30. Ambrose Redmoon: Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Holding Our Marriage Together

Holding Our Marriage Together



Dear Terri: I know the counselor said we shouldn't speak during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day u left, I swore I'd never talk to u again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always u who came crawling I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot.


I'm tired of pretending I don't miss u. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says. "There's no one like u," I look for u in the breasts of every woman I see, but they're not u. They're not even close.


Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room & brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth & a childhood spent ice skating can give. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe & an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?


But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.


But u –see- what- I'm getting at? Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her smutty, shameless hunger, but something else, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because u weren't there, to watch.
Do-u-know -what I mean? Nothing feels the same without u, baby. Hell, I'm just going crazy without u.And everything I do just reminds me of u. Remember Carol, the single mom we met at church? She drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, a few glasses of wine & next thing u know we're doing it in our old bed. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her career.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandma's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor & we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, & we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later) U- know-what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? U get -so caught up in the routine of marriage & lose-sight of each other. And- then- u –lose-yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with u. Saturday, your sis dropped by with my copy of the restraining order. Shannon's just a kid, but she's got a pretty sharp. She's been a real pal. She's given me lots of good counsel about u & about women in general. (She's pulling for us to reconcile). So we're drinking in the hot tub & talking about happier times. Here's this hot gal with your DNA (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) & all I can do is think of how much she looks like u when u were 18. And it makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into sex & that gets me to thinking of how many times I pressed u for it & that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do u see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart u know- it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances & start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure u so. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you because I love u.

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE: Please Read to end!

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE:

Please Read all the way to the end! If -you –take- the -time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective.

The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis! They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......I've learned...the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned...when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day,' makes my day.
I've learned...having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned...being kind is more important than being right.I've learned...you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned...I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in another way.

I've learned...no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a pal to be goofy with.

I've learned...sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned...walks with my dad around the block on summer eves as a boy did wonders for me as a man.

I've learned....life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....when you plan to get even with someone, you’re only letting him continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... the easiest way to grow as a person is surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.I've learned.....life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... when-your-new born, grandbaby holds your finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.

I've learned....everyone wants to be on top of the mountain, but all the joy & growth occur when climbing.

I've learned.... The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

To all of you....

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.It's National Friendship Week.
Show your friends how much u care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!
YOU’RE MY PAL & I AM HONORED!

Now send this to every friend you have & your-family. This was sent to me.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. (Kirstie)

Subject: Being White

Subject: Being White


I have been wondering about why Whites are -racists, & no other race is.

Proud to be White Michael Richards- makes- his- point...

Michael Richards, Kramer on Seinfeld makes a good point.This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act.

He makes some very interesting points... Someone finally said it... How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.

And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman' ... and that's OK.
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you...So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.

You have Martin Luther King Day.

You have Black History Month.

You have Cesar Chavez Day.

You have Yom Hashoah.

You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.

You have the NAACP.

You have BET...If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce,
and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.

Wonder who pays for that??

A white woman can’t be in Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in a Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...You know we'd be racists...

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US.

Yet if there were 'White colleges' that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.

If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.

But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.

But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud...But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is nothing improper about this e-mail but which of you are proud enough to send it on?

Sadly most won't! That's why we have lost most of OUR RIGHTS in this country.

We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD TO BE WHITE! It's not a crime yet, but getting real close!

My Comments

He makes a good point.

I refuse to denounce people for skin color because Satan's not racist: he talks to anyone who'll listen. So evil wears every size, shape and color.

The same goes for God and good.

My own brother's evil. It doesn't get any closer to home. I want to swap him for many blacks I proudly consider kin.

Every time I hear the "N" word I cringe. It's demeaning/ degrading. I won’t say it.

I use The “F” and “R” words: family, friend and relative. If many black neighbors and colleagues were kin I’d be much happier. So I proudly call them kin and show our photos to everyone pointing out the family resemblance: same smile, nose, eyes, dimples, bone structure, fuzzy hair, etc.

I'm going to post the photos on my family tree website.

I've have no clue why it's ok for blacks to say call each other that.
Racism’s dumb: green makes the world move and we all put on her pants one leg at a time.

Bill Cosby says it all. I wish he was president or at least secretary of education.

Think he, his friends and kin use the “N” word?

Now that we have a black president I hope I never hear it again and boys pick up their pants for starters.

I bet he and his family never use the “N” word. And- would- be- indignant- if- anyone- called them that.

Assorted thoughts

Ain't It -The –Truth
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a lady wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Butthead's.
11. I love being married. It's great to find a special person u want to annoy the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for # of consecutive days I stayed alive.
14. Why do we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people, u don't- want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18 When I walk into a singles bar I hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, u don't know where it's been!"
19. A good pal will bail u out of jail...but, a true one will be next to u saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
20. I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if when we messed up we could press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' & restart?
25. Stress is when u awake screaming & realize u haven't fallen asleep yet.
26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).
27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
29. If raising kids was going to be easy, it wouldn’t- begin with something called LABOR!
30. Wouldn't u know it...Brain cells come & go, but FAT cells live forever.
31. Why must I swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments can’t be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....& since it's in English, thank a soldier."
1 Brian Wilson, my assistant tax accountant, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Brian works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Brian never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Brian is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Brian can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Brian be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

Holiday Humor

Christmas and Hanukkah Merger


Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping & maids- a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk & cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might be in the works. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas & Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
................................................................................................................................
Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah

10. No roof damage from reindeer

9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones

8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it

7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races

6. You can use your fireplace

5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games

'4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth

2. Cheer optional

1. No Irving Berlin songs
................................................................................................................................
Hanukkah

It was Hanukkah & the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because they ran out of flour.

Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.

He said, "Don’t vorry, you can use matzo meal for the flour, & the latkes will be just as delicious!"

Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty, think it’ll work?"

"Of- course! Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear!"
................................................................................................................................
My Personal Hanukkah Gift To You

A tree has been planted in your name in Jerusalem - Thursday is your day to water it.

Cetyl Myristoleate/CMO (for sugar, blood pressure & arthritis)

Cetyl Myristoleate/CMO (for sugar, blood pressure & arthritis)

Cetyl myristoleate was discovered by one person on a quest to find a cure for arthritis. Harry W. Diehl, while employed by the National Institute of Arthritis, Metabolism, and Digestive Diseases, specialized in sugar chemistry. He used his chemical knowledge and research instincts to great advantage, identifying and characterizing over 500 compounds, several of which were patented by the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

Diehl's interest in discovering a way to help victims of arthritis began over 40 years ago when his friend and next door neighbor, a carpenter, developed severe rheumatoid arthritis. His condition deteriorated over time until he became disabled. The neighbor had a family to support, but his arthritis made that impossible.

Diehl is a deeply religious man whose feelings overwhelmed him as his friend's condition worsened. He thought, "Here I am working at the National Institutes of Health, and I have never seen anything that was good for curing arthritis."4 He decided to establish a laboratory in his home and search for something to relieve the pain and disability of his neighbor and the millions of people who suffer from arthritis. Unfortunately, he was too late to help the neighbor, but Diehl's research did lead to the discovery of cetyl myristoleate.

Diehl patented his discovery in 1977 and then sought pharmaceutical companies to conduct human trials with cetyl myristoleate, but none were interested. Diehl had made a major nutritional discovery, and no one was interested! Being a scientist, not a marketing expert, Diehl let his discovery lay dormant for about 15 years.

CMO helps with 35 different diseases/conditions including diabetes.

15 Job Seeker Mistakes

15 Job Seeker Mistakes
By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

You talk too fast. You avoid eye contact. You ask too many questions. You wear too much perfume. You lie about your work history. You show up late to interviews. You don’t do your research.

And you wonder why you haven’t gotten a job yet?

There’s no such thing as an error-free job search, says Eli Davidson, business coach and author of “Funky to Fabulous.” Most mistakes can be avoided with a little attentiveness.

“The best way to get a great job is to have a laser beam focus,” Davidson says. “The more targeted and specific you are, the more powerful your job search will be.”

Many people assume only young job seekers are making these mistakes; but in reality, both new and seasoned candidates face different challenges that cause them to slip up, says Kip Hollister, founder and CEO of Hollister Inc., a New England staffing firm.

Younger applicants approach their job search with a “what’s in it for me” attitude, Hollister says. They lack humility and their expectations exceed their qualifications.

Seasoned job seekers, on the other hand, oftentimes come across with more- attitude, indicating they may be uncoachable or won’t adapt to a new career environment, she says. They’re challenged with keeping their résumé competitive and they have unrealistic salary expectations.

Don’t shoot yourself in the foot during your next job search. Here are 15 common mistakes job seekers should avoid:

1. Fire … Ready, Aim: Don’t waste your time shooting out résumés before you’ve aimed for your ideal job, Davidson says. “When you go after jobs you aren’t qualified for, you are rejected more often. Take the time to ready your job search, aim for what you want and pursue your career with fiery determination.”

2. Acting in a video résumé: “Unless you’re looking to be cast in the next play, hiring managers are not interested in watching you act,” Hollister says. Decide whether a video résumé is appropriate to the position for which you’re applying before sending one.

3. Assuming- you’re on a first-name basis: Never call your interviewer by his or her first name, including interviewers younger than you, says career management expert Sally Haver. Until you hear, “You can call me Fred,” or the equivalent, address the interviewer formally.

4. Your life’s an open book: “Keep your private life private,” Davidson advises. “Make sure all of your wild photos on Facebook or MySpace are not available to the public.”

5. Winging it: “One of the biggest turn-offs for a hiring manager is when a candidate they are interviewing has not done the research necessary to understand both the position and the company they are applying for,” Hollister says. Davidson agrees: “Unless you are more prepared, more practiced and more passionate than the other candidates, you are wasting everyone’s time.”

6. Neglecting your appearance: You’ve -heard it once. You’ll hear it again. “Don’t dress too sexy, too casual, too- outrageous or wear too much jewelry,” says Bill Behn, national director of staffing for the Atlanta branch of Solomon Edwards Group, a staffing services firm. “Dress for the position you want to have.”

7. Applying just to apply: Apply only for the jobs and companies that interest you, Davidson says. “Go after that job like an Olympic athlete goes for a medal.” Don’t waste time sending out résumés for positions you don’t really want.

8. Not talking the talk: “An interviewer is not looking for a yes or no response to their question,” Hollister says. “They do want a direct response, but it is OK to support your point with specific examples that are relevant to your work experience.” On the other hand don’t too talk too much. It reveals nervousness or the inability to deliver a direct response.

9. Being unprofessional: “I actually had an interviewee tell me to contact her via e-mail at likes2party@aol.com,” Behn says. “Needless to say, that person was not offered the job.”

10. Sending a phone book: “Sending a 10-page résumé is a mammoth error,” Davidson says. Highlight your abilities in one page. If you’re having trouble, invite someone to help you. “Remember the person reviewing résumés has 15 seconds to decide to bring you in.”

11. Doing it alone: “They say it’s all about networking,” Hollister says. “They’re right.” Not networking with everyone you know cuts your chances of finding a great job, Davidson says. The more people you involve, the better your chances.

12. Shunning assistance: Many applicants think asking for help is a sign of weakness, Davidson says. In reality, it’s one of the most courageous and effective actions you can take. Ask someone you admire for help during your job search.

13. Forgetting to say thank you: Always send a thank you e-mail to the hiring manager. Use it as an opportunity to leave an impression on him or her by referencing something you discussed in your interview, Hollister suggests.

Behn says job seekers often “nail” the interview, get a job offer and then send a mistake-riddled thank you note. “That’s a great way to get your offer rescinded,” he says.

14. Talking negatively about past employers: “Regardless of how valid your point of view is, it’s not necessary to trash your past employer,” Hollister says. If you’re asked to talk about your previous job, be prepared to put a positive spin on it, showing you valued the experience.

15. Not asking good questions: “Not asking open-ended questions is a sure-fire way to show that you don’t care about the company or the position you’re interviewing for,” Behn says. Ask questions like, “Where do you see this position going?” “What is going to make the person who takes this position successful?” “Why is the position open?” or, “How do you see me fitting in here?”

Rachel Zupek is a writer and blogger for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.
Last Updated: Friday, December 28, 2007 - 11:29 AM

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Do you really have it "under control"?
By Jessica Murphy

Madame, that is by far the ugliest nose I have ever seen, and I compliment you on it—it suits you!—Peter Sellers, "The Pink Panther"

It's true: Some comments are better left unsaid. But as a sophisticated man of the 21st century, you already know this. You know you're not supposed to comment on your girlfriend's weight, or tell her that her friends are hot. And you know she probably feels the same way you do about the phrase, "Can we still be friends?"

Additionally, you've found that honesty, while valued in most situations, can sometimes offend. What you say to diffuse tension in an argument often stokes the fire. We understand that the female psyche can be complicated, and we're here to demystify what may seem like strategically placed trapdoors.

Here are 10 things most women don't want to hear

1) "What did you do to your hair?"Unless we've cut our own hair—this is not common—someone else did something to our hair. It wasn't us. And most likely we've gone to a lot of trouble and expense for it. "I like your new haircut" is infinitely better, and shows you're paying attention. It's also far superior to the generic "You look different," which tells us you're as clueless as ever.

2) "They both look the same to me. "We understand you care a lot less than we do about the outfits or the registry dishware we're asking you to compare. But they can't possibly look exactly the same, can they? Give us something. Anything. Mentally roll the dice and pick one, so we don't worry about your vision—or worse, that you don't care.

3) "Relax." A kissing cousin to "Don't get so worked up," this generally creates the exact opposite effect you're shooting for. When you say "Relax," what we hear is that you think that we're being irrational over nothing, and this makes us do anything but relax.

4) "I've got it all under control." Ha! Famous last words. Refrain from using them if you don't want us to take fiendish delight in your getting lost because you won't stop for directions (if we're late, there will be fiendish fuming), or because you're missing a piece to your flat-screen television because you said you didn't need to read the assembly instructions.

5) "You're not one of those feminists, are you?"Yikes. Chivalry may be nearly dead, but saying this will drive the last spear through its heart. Feminist or not, a woman is likely to be offended by the question. Just be yourself. Be kind, open the door, offer to pay, and go from there. We can choose to accept or share in your generosity.

"Do you really think you should be eating that?"

6) "When are you due?" Take one second to imagine a woman turning to you and responding, "I'm not pregnant," or "I had the baby six months ago," and you'll understand why you should eradicate this question from your vocabulary. In one nanosecond, innocent—even considerate—curiosity can turn to deadly, if unintentional, offense. And there's just no way to recover from this one.

7) "You're being emotional." In the heat of the moment this may be true. But unless you want your partner to become more emotional or get angry, you're better off keeping this observation and its off-limits follow-up question—"Is it that time of month?"—to yourself.

8) "You're acting just like your mother/my mother/my ex-girlfriend." All three are problematic. An ex should be mentioned sparingly, and never in comparison. Why would we want to remind you of a person you broke up with? And come to mention it, why are you thinking about her? You see the slippery slope. Conjuring an image of our mother or your mother can be equally grating. We want you to treat us as individuals and not as mere products of your (or our) upbringing.

9) "You complete me."We've seen "Jerry Maguire" and most other romantic comedies far more often than you, and while we may (or may not) like cheesy movie lines, they usually fail in real life. We understand that the possibility of romance makes inexplicable things come out of a man's—and sometimes a woman's—mouth, but keep the compliments real and honest and sincere and say you love someone when you mean it.

10) "Do you really think you should be eating that?" Yes. She should be eating it. Even if she told you she's given it up.

Jessica Murphy is a freelance writer based in Seattle.

10 Things Women Understand

10 Things Women Understand


Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

Crying can be fun.

FAT CLOTHES.

A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a "peak life experience".

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. A

nd the number one thing that only women understand:

OTHER WOMEN!

Angel Food: Making Pancakes

Angel Food: Making Pancakes

Six year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk & added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated.

He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove & he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix & reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white & sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process! That's how God deals with us.. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...I was thinking, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling, old grudges that need forgiving or three words needing to be said.

Sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them.

Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

Pass this to others.... Suppose one day you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them?

Angel Food: It's not like it was...

President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq.

Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.

Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people's duty to back those leaders.

Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.

And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today. Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty.

Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.

Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.

You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the president. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our president. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And a bunch even enlisted.

And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a Pledge of Allegiance and with prayers for our country and our troops!

Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies.

A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being 'tortured' by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.

There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crack heads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets.

No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve.

It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the land- of Oz. We unitde for a short while after 9/11, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.

We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause...Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits.

So...we either win it - or lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing.America is not at war. The military is at war. America is at the mall.

(Author unknown)

7 reasons not to mess with a child

7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its' throat was very small.

The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale couldn’t swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five & six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father & Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mom do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed her mom had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. So she asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mom replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong & make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while & then asked, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hair’s white?"

The children had all been photographed, & the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you > > > are all grown up & say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's- dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, & I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause -your feet ain't- empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child wrote a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Concert

Name: M. Asinoff

Course: 20th Century Music

Date: April 25, 1994

Concert: The Sounds of Talujon Percussion Quartet.

Type of concert: Percussion Quartet (April 21, 1994).

General reaction: I felt that the Amphitheater was cozy and provided excellent acoustics. It also provided such good visibility of the band that every seat was good. It was much better than if they had performed across the street at the Klitkord Auditorium, as it would have been too big and many people would have had to sit too far away to enjoy the concert.

Composition I liked best: I especially enjoyed the sixth piece, Boren Baum, by The Brazilian Slaves, as it was used to help them study Martial Arts in the fields 500 years ago. It was a unique and interesting variation upon a one gong theme. They used a Nut Shell Rattle filled with peas for a very unique musical sound effect. The music performed was totally different from anything I ever heard before. I could not even begin to compare it with anything other kind of music. The performance was totally improvised and the band probably could not even recreate it again even if they wanted to. They must work very, very, hard to not only express themselves as individuals, but to then blend their individuality into a cohesive form which is twice as demanding. Yet, they not only manage to do this they also manage to make it look easy. In my humble opinion that is definitely the mark of truly good artists.

The work and value of an artist: Boren Boren was very interesting, different and unusual, but made a good conclusion as it was somewhat upbeat. I especially appreciated the fact that they use their individuality and explored their talents as individuals first and as a group second. It is great to be able to do that. Unfortunately, the Beatles split because they were unable to explore their talent individually. Creative differences can very easily drive a wedge between a group. Being part of a group can stifle an artist's creativity. The freedom to explore enables an artist to mold, shape, hone and express themselves and their soul. That is what being an artist is all about. It is a not a job, or even a career. Unlike the United States Navy, it is more than an adventure. Being an artist is a labor of love that cannot be compared with anything else in life, nor can we measure their creativity in terms of money, or anything. It gives life a meaning and sense of purpose that nourishes the soul. I know because I am an artist. I am a writer. I paint a picture using words as a paintbrush to express my thought and feelings the way musicians use music to express themselves.


Overall performance: I thought they were very professional. They took the time out to explain things like the eight kinds of drums and "found instruments" like the empty metal food cans, aluminum pot and cow bell they used in their act. They were very nice and helped to dispel the old adage that all artists are temperamental. They even took time out between sets to spell out the names of some of the many different types of instruments they used in their performance and the story of how each set was created. They did not complain about having to repeat themselves for the people who did not write it down the first time. They explained how and why they used instruments like the Bongo, Djembe, Tom- Tom, Hadgedin and Clay drums. I thought the seven planks of wood and different metal pipes also produced some unique sounds. I liked the plastic water cooler jug, the Chinese wooden blocks and the various sounds that the Copper and Aluminum pipes produced too.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

buby on a cruise

The children & grand kids of an old Jewish lady sent her on a cruise...

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?

He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to there and showed her ticket to the purser.

He said, “You also have an O.C.”

"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed the cabin boy her ticket.

He said, "U also have B.I.B."

“B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

He answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

The next morning, bright & early, the staff brought her BIB.

She said, "F.U.C.K."

Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?"

She replied, "F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock!”

Jay Leno on President Bush

Jay Leno on President Bush

No matter what your political convictions are this is eye opener. What a thankless people we are!!! Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush (Surprising).

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see...."As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark. The other day I was reading Newsweek and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67% of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed & 69% of the country is unhappy with the president’s performance. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and- want -a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?' A. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 / 7? B. Is our unhappiness due to a/c in the summer & heat in the winter? C. Could it be that 95.4% of these unhappy folks have a job? D. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? E. Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present id - papers, as we go through each state? F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean, safe motels we’d find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either. H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up & provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital. I. Perhaps you are one of the 70% of Americans who own a home. J. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments & use top notch equipment to douse the flames, thus saving you, your family, & things. K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. L. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping & pillaging residents, & 90% of teens own cell phones and computers. M. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy. Fact is we’re the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31%t approval rating?

Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut -taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The- commander-in- chief -of an -all-volunteer- army, that’s out there defending us? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?

Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq & Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, & in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ' 'general' discharge, an 'other than honorable' discharge or, worst case scenario, a 'dishonorable' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why is there flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69% of Americans?Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news.
Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, & when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the NY Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'"

Jay Leno

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth- records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated valuable lessons: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer car pool, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and- I'm -A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

DEPRESSION RAISES RISK OF DIABETES, STUDY FINDS

DEPRESSION RAISES RISK OF DIABETES, STUDY FINDSBy Nicholas Bakalar

Depression is associated with an increased risk for diabetes in older adults, even in people who have no other risk factors for the disease, a new study reports.Researchers studied 4,681 men and women over 65, following them over a 10-year period, after excluding anyone who already had diabetes at the start of the project. They used a well-validated questionnaire to measure symptoms of depression each year, and tested all participants at two- to four-year intervals for blood sugar. They also calculated body mass index and noted alcohol intake, smoking status and antidepressant use.After controlling for these factors, they found that even a single report of high depressive symptoms was associated with an increase in the incidence of diabetes.

Increases in symptoms over time and persistently high symptoms of depression were also associated with the disease. Over all, people with the highest scores on the depression questionnaire were roughly 50% more likely to develop diabetes than those with the lowest scores. Adjusting for race, sex, smoking status, alcohol intake and body mass index made no difference in the result.

Mercedes R. Carnethon, the lead author and an assistant professor of preventive medicine at Northwestern University, said there was no evidence one way or the other on whether treating depression could reduce the risk for diabetes. "People in our study who were on antidepressants didn't have an elevated risk for diabetes," she said."But we don't know if that's because of the antidepressants" or for some other reason.

The study appeared April 23 in The Archives of Internal Medicine.Dr. Jonathan W. Stewart, a research psychiatrist at the NYS Psychiatric Institute who was not involved in the work, said that the conclusions "fit with what else we think we know," but he was troubled by one aspect of the work."

I worry that some of the items on the questionnaire could be attributed to diabetes rather than to depression," suggesting that there is some overlap between the symptoms of the two disorders, he said. "This doesn't make the study wrong or inaccurate, but it's a serious limitation which they didn't mention."Inflammation has been proposed as an explanation for the connection because it is associated with both diabetes and depression. But this study found that having higher or lower levels of C-reactive protein, a marker of inflammation, did not alter the association between the two disorders.

Instead, the authors suggest, other biological mechanisms may be at work in the autonomic nervous system, which controls heart, digestive, respiratory, glandular and other involuntary processes. Previousstudies have shown that depression is associated with dysfunction in that system, which has also been detected before the development of diabetes. The stress response associated with depression may increase the risk for diabetes by decreasing insulin secretion from the pancreas, which then causes increasing glucose levels in the blood. This can result in a blood sugar level above normal, the defining characteristic of diabetes.The authors acknowledge some weaknesses in their study.

Measures of physical activity were not consistently available during follow-up, and assumptions about this may have introduced error. Also, some of their data were gathered with self-reports, which are not always reliable. In addition, while their questionnaire detected depressive symptoms, the researchers were not able to make definitive diagnoses f clinical depression.Still, Dr. Carnethon said, depression "is a novel risk factor for diabetes, so we need to look at factors beyond physical inactivity and diet for an explanation."

Depression is common in older people, she added, and 15 percent of those over 65 have diabetes."The most important thing to keep in mind," Dr. Carnethon said, "is that depression has a lot of effects on the body, one of which may be the development of diabetes, which can lead to a number of other diseases. So addressing- depression is important, not -only for improving mood, but for protecting overall health."

ClassicQuotes ny Ann Taylor

Classic Quotes by Ann Taylor (1782-1866),

English -children's -writer, & - poet.

Who ran to help me when I fell,And would some pretty story tell,Or kiss the place to make it

well, My mother.- My Mother (St. 6)

Recall Notice

The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary & central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype -units code named Adam & Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some symptoms include: 1. Loss of direction 2. Foul vocal emissions 3. Amnesia of origin 4. Lack of peace and joy 5. Selfish or violent behavior 6. Depression or confusion in the mental component 7. Fearfulness 8. Idolatry 9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
-The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
-There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E R. -Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.
- Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
-No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with: 1. Love 2. Joy 3. Peace 4. Patience
5. Kindness 6. Goodness 7. Faithfulness 8. Gentleness 9. Self control Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded. - For free emergency service, call on Jesus. DANGER: The human being units never responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!GOD- Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "knee-mail."

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Question of the Week:

This question is from my daughter (aged 7 years).
"Why would a supposedly good, just, loving G-d allow so much suffering in the world?"
(I started answering and realised I was not talking on her level. Can you help?) Answer:

You are a bright seven year old. There are many things that you can understand, but your baby brother would not understand. For example, does your baby brother ever get a rash? I'm sure he does. So what happens when a baby has a rash? Mum applies cream to ease it. The poor little baby screams as his tender skin is stung by the ointment. But mum keeps going, ignoring the screams. As hard as it is for her to inflict pain on her baby, she does it, because she knows that it is for his good.

Imagine it would be possible to ask the baby how he feels about the situation. He would probably say, "I am being brutally tortured by the very person who is supposed to love me and care for me the most! My own mother has no mercy. She ignores my cries. Why is this happening?"

And there would be no answer anyone could offer. There is no way in the world we could explain to a baby that no, it is not torture, it is healing. Yes it is painful, but it is only being done in order to prevent pain and make you better. A baby simply can't understand anything beyond the pain he is experiencing.

We are all like that baby. In front of G-d, even the wisest and smartest person is like an infant. We look at the world and we see the suffering and we ask why. And no one can give us a satisfying answer. We can't understand, all we can do is cry from the pain. G-d is moved by our cries, it pains Him to see our pain. He understands us. We don't understand Him.

The gap between our minds and G-d's is even wider than the gap between a baby's mind and an adult's. The baby will one day reach adulthood, and he too will come to understand the ways of his parents. But we will never reach G-d. We cannot begin to understand G-d's ways.

But the baby still loves his mum, even though he doesn't understand her actions. So too we need not understand G-d to love Him. Somehow, all the suffering in the world is a healing, and every painful experience is there to teach and to fix. Why does it have to be this way? G-d knows. We don't.

Mum knows what she's doing. So does G-d.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

To subscribe email rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au

"Marriage: Advice From A Maven (expert)" By Professor Mitch Asinoff = 6/26/09

"Marriage: Advice From A Maven (expert)" By Professor Mitch Asinoff = 6/26/09

I created some rules that will guarantee a happy marriage. They're my philosophy. And should be yours too, if you want a good marriage! To start off, these rules were designed for women. The reason is there are none for men, because we're superior in every way! All women should be required to swear allegiance to them along with their wedding vows. Then they should be framed & hung, to insure that they're seared into women's memories! They are entitled, "The Gospel of Marriage According to Mitch." There’s no doubt these rules are very effective. If all wives follow them religiously divorce will virtually disappear. And everyone will live happily ever after, just like in the movies! Sorry all you divorce lawyers. You can do prenuptial agreements

1: Men are bosses, not lumps of clay, or blank canvases to be transformed by your vision. Nor are we new shoes to be broken in, or a house to remodel. We are what we are! We belch, burp, fart, etc. Don’t try to trade our pants for a skirt or God will punish u.

2. We need time out with the boys. So don’t try to keep us on a leash.

3. If- a husband's nice enough to tell his wife he won't be home for dinner it's fine. She can’t ask where he's going. If she does he'll think she distrusts him. A good wife must always trust her husband completely if she wants him to be happy. If she doesn't do everything she can to please him he'll leave!

4: Men never do anything to cause a divorce. All marriage troubles are caused- by women, over one dumb thing or another. They MUST follow these rules to the letter! It's the only way a marriage will work. Total faith is required, from wives 24/7, if they expect to be happy. Women must remember how easy it is for a man to pack up & go. Women are like a bus at rush hour: if you miss the first another will be along in five minutes!

5: When the man comes home a good wife never asks where he's been, or with who. If she does he'll think she's insecure. No man will stay with a woman who’s so insecure. Who’d blame him for divorcing her?

6: A good wife must always keep her husband well fed. Regardless if there's not- enough for her. She can't be nearly as hungry as everyone knows that men work much harder than women!

7: A good wife always keeps her husband's clothes in perfect condition, no matter what. They must be washed, ironed, folded & hung. Wives who don't are lazy. No one would blame him for divorcing a lazy wife who doesn't even take care of his clothes!

8: A good wife keeps her husband's car clean at all times. If he doesn't have one she's obligated to get him one. Any sacrifice she makes to do so is her way of showing him she's a good wife.

9: Should she get herself pregnant, it's her responsibility to care for it, especially when he comes home after a hard of real work. Kids are annoying to a man when asking lots of questions, especially if he doesn't have the answers!

10: Good wives give husbands sex, no matter what, even if she's tired. She shouldn't be. Everyone knows housework isn't real work. So she can't have a bad day at work the way guys do!

11: Good wives never ask husbands for money because he works so hard for it. She's supposed to make due on whatever he gives her. That's one of her responsibilities!

12: Good wives stay size ten. Who'd blame a guy for leaving a woman that let- herself- go? That would be grounds- for a divorce & we all know she’d never get alimony because of it!

13: Last, but not least, good wives never tell their husbands any of their troubles. Everyone knows a woman does not have any compared to men's!

I never married. But that shows I'm smart. I'm still an expert and am guaranteed a good marriage if whoever my future wife is follows these rules!

Marriage should be classified between death and taxes. It's worse than taxes. But we'll never answer the question that's plagued mankind for eternity: is marriage worse than death? Yes, no, maybe? It is one of the great- mysteries of the universe. One that we are destined to always -ponder!

People often ask if I’m married. I reply I’m still taking applications. That’s why I’m happy.