Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dave Barrie's Colonoscopy Journal


This is from newshound, Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend, Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon. It’s a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place. At one point passing- briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring & patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but didn't -really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR REAR!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, & a prescription for a product called 'Movi Prep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave. I’ll discuss it in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around, nervously. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my prep. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day. All I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the Movi Prep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug. Then- fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Movi Prep tastes-& here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit & urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great, sense of humor, state- after u drink- it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement- may result.' This is kind of like saying that after u jump off a roof, u may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
But have u ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience with-u-as-the-shuttle. There are times when- u wish- the commode had a seat belt. You spend several-hours pretty much- confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. U -eliminate everything. And then, when u figure u must be totally empty, u have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future & start eliminating food u have not eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
& totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led-me to a room full of other colonoscopy, people, where I went inside a little curtained, space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when u put it on, makes u feel even more naked than when u are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little, needle in a vein in my left-hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, & I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom. So you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, & I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen', by ABBA. I told Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' asked Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more -than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea, really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me & asking how I felt. I was excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, & my colon passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On- the-subject-of-Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart, yet?'
3. 'Can u hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand-in, u take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And- the- best- one- of- all.
13. 'Can u write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

No comments: