Assorted thoughts

After 17 years, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to live in their luxury apt. with his new lover. So he asked his wife to move. She agreed, if he gave her 3 days alone at the apt. to pack up her things.

She spent the first day packing. On the 2nd, she had movers collect her things.
On the 3rd, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, & feasted on a pound of shrimp & a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she finished, she went into each room & put a few half-eaten shrimp shells in he hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned the kitchen & left.
When the husband returned with his new gal, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping & airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they replace expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer & decided to move. They couldn’t find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a fortune to buy a new place.

The moving company arrived & did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home.....including the curtain rods. DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN!

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. "So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found this note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, & Holy Ghost are not referred to as Dad, Jr. & the spook.
8) David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock & knocked off his donkey. Don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this & eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.”
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there’ll be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.

The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to all who share it. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this or send $. Just forward it to 12-friends u wish good luck & a great laugh. Something good will-happen to you four days from now if the chain isn’t broke.

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench. One turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 & full of aches & pains. Ur about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, "Like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker asks, "Really? A new born babe???"
”Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair & I just pissed in my depends diaper.

A young woman in NY was so depressed she decided to end her life by jumping into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He pitied her & said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morn. If u like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you & bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder & added, "We'll keep each other happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches & fruit, & they made mad passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain found her.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food & a trip to Europe, & he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the S. Island Ferry."

Doctor's Journal- true stories.. A man comes in the ER & yells, "My wife's gonna have a baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted her dress & removed her panties.
Suddenly I noticed there were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I put a stethoscope on an elderly & slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," she remorsed.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife her husband died of a massive myocardial infarct. Moments later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Su Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient 20 feet from the chart & began, "Cover your r. eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned & discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his dr., he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours & now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress & discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions did not include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about 20 years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, ORI was caring for a lady from Kentucky & asked, "So how's your breakfast today?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," she replied. I then asked to see the jelly & the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI A Nurse was on duty in the ER when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, & wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined she had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had consciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing & further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work & sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No dr., but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." -- Dr. wouldn't admit his name

THE YEAR 1904. Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1904 ...one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the US statistics for 1904: The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a phone. A three-minute call from Denver to NYC cost $11. There were only 8,000 cars in the US, & only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, & Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a vet between $1,500 & $4,000 per year, & a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. Over 95% of all births in the US were at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education. They attended med schools, many of which were condemned in the press & by the gov’t. as "substandard. "Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen.Coffee was 15 cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were:1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. Tuberculosis; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5. Stroke.
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, & Alaska weren't admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans graduated h.s. Marijuana, heroin, & morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach & bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health. (Shocking!) 18% of US households had at least one f/t servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind

"Sex" is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation. The other 8 are unimportant." --Henry Miller
Bisexuality instantly doubles your chances of a date on Sat. night."--Woody Allen

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!And Finally. Be Good To Your Family & Friends. U never know when u are going to need them to empty your bedpan..
Every day tell someone that you love them! Have a happy day!!!