A week @ the gym I’ll NEVER forget, although I wish I could

A week @ the gym I’ll NEVER forget, although I wish I could

If u can- read this without lol....well......This is dedicated to everyone who ever tried to get into a regular workout, routine.Dear Diary, for my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) gave me a week of personal training at a local health spa.

Although I am still in great shape since being- a H.S. cheerleader 40+ years ago, it seemed like a good idea. I called the club & made reservations with a trainer named Belinda. She identified herself as a 26-year-old, aerobics instructor, athletic clothing & swim wear model.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club & Belinda waiting. She's something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes & a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour & showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back & push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter & moving my mouth back & forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a -little too perky for early in the morning; & when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine. It’s VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape & enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like, teeth exposed as her thin, cruel, lips pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour-late. It took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.

She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b****, Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little cheer leader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

If you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off & I landed on a health & nutrition teacher. Why couldn't he have been softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't go today. Just hearing- her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote & ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go & thank GOD this week is over.

I’ll also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like root canal or a-Hysterectomy. If God wants me to bend over, He’ll sprinkle the floor with diamonds!!!