IRS Letter

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird & bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions & credits.

The letter speaks for itself. Sirs: I’m responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year & reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She’s brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office answering people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she’s going to college.

It's great that you’ll now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run. So you have the choice of appropriating Dept. of Defense funds to fix it, or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother & I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, & I’m quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a good handle on the - problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about him. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three a.m. by the police bringing Pat home. He & his friends were Te P'ing houses. His hair is purple, permanent dye, temporary, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he’s out of school a few days for instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone # with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives with you. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatable, vehicles, or phones. (They find phones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out 900 & 976 numbers!) Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and magically appeared one year. I'm sure this one’s yours. She’s 10 going on 21 and came from a bad trip in the 60’s. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks- like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked- On Phonics" is expensive, so schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying me! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under 20 understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/ yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair you pick which two you’ll take. I prefer you take the youngest two, I’ll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I’m free!

If you take the two oldest, I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teen. If you take the girls, I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly, Bob (Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)