"Marriage: Advice From A Maven (expert)" By Professor Mitch Asinoff = 6/26/09

"Marriage: Advice From A Maven (expert)" By Professor Mitch Asinoff = 6/26/09

I created some rules that will guarantee a happy marriage. They're my philosophy. And should be yours too, if you want a good marriage! To start off, these rules were designed for women. The reason is there are none for men, because we're superior in every way! All women should be required to swear allegiance to them along with their wedding vows. Then they should be framed & hung, to insure that they're seared into women's memories! They are entitled, "The Gospel of Marriage According to Mitch." There’s no doubt these rules are very effective. If all wives follow them religiously divorce will virtually disappear. And everyone will live happily ever after, just like in the movies! Sorry all you divorce lawyers. You can do prenuptial agreements

1: Men are bosses, not lumps of clay, or blank canvases to be transformed by your vision. Nor are we new shoes to be broken in, or a house to remodel. We are what we are! We belch, burp, fart, etc. Don’t try to trade our pants for a skirt or God will punish u.

2. We need time out with the boys. So don’t try to keep us on a leash.

3. If- a husband's nice enough to tell his wife he won't be home for dinner it's fine. She can’t ask where he's going. If she does he'll think she distrusts him. A good wife must always trust her husband completely if she wants him to be happy. If she doesn't do everything she can to please him he'll leave!

4: Men never do anything to cause a divorce. All marriage troubles are caused- by women, over one dumb thing or another. They MUST follow these rules to the letter! It's the only way a marriage will work. Total faith is required, from wives 24/7, if they expect to be happy. Women must remember how easy it is for a man to pack up & go. Women are like a bus at rush hour: if you miss the first another will be along in five minutes!

5: When the man comes home a good wife never asks where he's been, or with who. If she does he'll think she's insecure. No man will stay with a woman who’s so insecure. Who’d blame him for divorcing her?

6: A good wife must always keep her husband well fed. Regardless if there's not- enough for her. She can't be nearly as hungry as everyone knows that men work much harder than women!

7: A good wife always keeps her husband's clothes in perfect condition, no matter what. They must be washed, ironed, folded & hung. Wives who don't are lazy. No one would blame him for divorcing a lazy wife who doesn't even take care of his clothes!

8: A good wife keeps her husband's car clean at all times. If he doesn't have one she's obligated to get him one. Any sacrifice she makes to do so is her way of showing him she's a good wife.

9: Should she get herself pregnant, it's her responsibility to care for it, especially when he comes home after a hard of real work. Kids are annoying to a man when asking lots of questions, especially if he doesn't have the answers!

10: Good wives give husbands sex, no matter what, even if she's tired. She shouldn't be. Everyone knows housework isn't real work. So she can't have a bad day at work the way guys do!

11: Good wives never ask husbands for money because he works so hard for it. She's supposed to make due on whatever he gives her. That's one of her responsibilities!

12: Good wives stay size ten. Who'd blame a guy for leaving a woman that let- herself- go? That would be grounds- for a divorce & we all know she’d never get alimony because of it!

13: Last, but not least, good wives never tell their husbands any of their troubles. Everyone knows a woman does not have any compared to men's!

I never married. But that shows I'm smart. I'm still an expert and am guaranteed a good marriage if whoever my future wife is follows these rules!

Marriage should be classified between death and taxes. It's worse than taxes. But we'll never answer the question that's plagued mankind for eternity: is marriage worse than death? Yes, no, maybe? It is one of the great- mysteries of the universe. One that we are destined to always -ponder!

People often ask if I’m married. I reply I’m still taking applications. That’s why I’m happy.