To My "Adoped Family", February 7, 2007

A - blessing-in-disguise. No doubt you’ve heard that term. I like to think it describes me. When we first met you had NO clue we were being BLESSED with a surprise you NEVER fathomed you’d ever have or want: a new (Kosher) relative.

I’m told people enter our lives for a reason. Perhaps you needed one of the Chosen People to enhance life. Naturally, there are times when we’re not each other’s favorite person. Despite that I’ve NO doubt the good OUTWEIGHS the bad, by the Jericho Mile (7 x 7) for numerous reasons: my wit, thoughtfulness, consideration, integrity, etc!

Furthermore, a very nice, charming, witty lady with a heart BIGGER than Texas said I made our anniversary a holiday. I think of her as one of my many, many adopted relatives, especially since she made me realize that God brought us together, not me. And -I’m glad He did, want to celebrate it and think of you all as kin.

She’s FLATTERED, grateful, agrees, now considers me her new #1 (Kosher) –nephew in-law and happily answers to Tonta (Aunt) Nancy. I tell her she should be in health care because she’s so CARING, compassionate and sympathetic. If I had to be 1/10 as nice as her I’d be- LONG dead of a heart attack. I now wear gloves around her for fear her niceness is contagous.

I FONDLY consider the rest of you aunts, uncles and cousins because I’m the Olive Garden: everyone’s - family. This is in large part because Chrissy, a truly “dynamite” lady I call cuz said something so poignant and unfortunately true: “with (biological) relatives you don’t- need enemies!”

I have three siblings. Pop nicknamed my older brother Guido as he’s by far the worst and says he’s an unpolished, backyard boy. I call Guido the Devil’s disciple because he’s -evil, helps make my home the Asinoff Asylum and me wish someone would adopt him. I tried to bribe our neighbor to take him or at least slip him a "mickey." And leave him in the woods when they moved upstate. They laughed. I begged and pleaded. They thought I'm hysterical. I was serious.

This is why I want to be adopted by you. If you were me you would too.

I told Aunt Nancy’s #1 favorite husband and dr., because he’s a very fine, witty gentleman and my friend. Then asked if he were me wouldn’t he want to be adopted.

He replied, “No, I’d want to run away!”

I instantly realized that’s a wonderful idea and asked him to leave the back door open.

Nancy and he are not amused as I am, because they’re a tough “room”. Despite that I affectionately call him Fetta (Uncle) Al.

If I live to be 100, I’ll NEVER, EVER forget the look on his face, or vocal inflection when I boasted to a patient in Yiddish he’s my fetta. They asked which side of the family I’m on.
I said both.

They looked at Al and he said, with resignation. And a DEEP-sigh, “Yea, I’m Fetta Al.”

ALL our friends and relatives are LAUGHING OT LOUD!

Despite having a terrible memory he’ll NEVER forget that day.

I chose you as family SOLELY because of who you are on the inside. And- am–setting- up- a web site posting family photos: mitch'sfamilytree.net. If you have second thoughts about our photo, you may want to begin pondering a plausible explanation as to why you’re wearing a big Star of David and a Yomicha. I wish I could be there to see you explain it.

Anticipating the overwhelming demand to adopt me after reading this you can hit reply, type your commentary and click send. If you are reading a hard copy of this and want me, you know how to reach me.

If nothing else adopting me will keep you laughing. I hear it’s the best medicine and when you laugh everyone’s with you…

Sincerely,

#1 (Kosher) professor/writer/relative